Acceptance
A little anyway.
The other night when I asked for a kiss, she said no, but added, “I know where you are coming from.” The last part felt like some kind of acceptance. I do doubt in an intellectual sense that she knew where I was coming from, but it does not really matter. She seems to spinning out again right now -- Very distant -- I made the mistake of bringing up money yesterday.
I have been listening to the tapes from last week’s intensive - Adya’s. The have been blowing me away - a nice metaphor for what Adya does. It feels very much like I am dissolving. When I look there is no me there -- this seems to be the way it has always been. The me, the I, seems to have always known this, only in the past I would have said I have memories of coming out of the illusion and remembering that I am that which always was and always will be and is just hanging here enjoying the life the drama of it no matter really what is happening in it. At the moment, and for much of the last several days, this sense of being has been very present.
Nonetheless, this morning I am aware of the deep fear in the pit of my stomach - the fear of being alone. I wonder if this fear is as much the face of God-if-there-is-a-god as the serenity or the joy?
r.slime
The other night when I asked for a kiss, she said no, but added, “I know where you are coming from.” The last part felt like some kind of acceptance. I do doubt in an intellectual sense that she knew where I was coming from, but it does not really matter. She seems to spinning out again right now -- Very distant -- I made the mistake of bringing up money yesterday.
I have been listening to the tapes from last week’s intensive - Adya’s. The have been blowing me away - a nice metaphor for what Adya does. It feels very much like I am dissolving. When I look there is no me there -- this seems to be the way it has always been. The me, the I, seems to have always known this, only in the past I would have said I have memories of coming out of the illusion and remembering that I am that which always was and always will be and is just hanging here enjoying the life the drama of it no matter really what is happening in it. At the moment, and for much of the last several days, this sense of being has been very present.
Nonetheless, this morning I am aware of the deep fear in the pit of my stomach - the fear of being alone. I wonder if this fear is as much the face of God-if-there-is-a-god as the serenity or the joy?
r.slime