Mixed

[redslime]

I wonder if other people are anywhere as confused as I am. I wonder if other people are as terrified of living. I wonder if other people are as glad to be alive. I have no idea who I am. I feel deranged at this moment. I am in a deep depression. I am afraid. I am afraid of my own non-desire to make the world make sense again.

We went to hear Adyashanti, http://www.zen-satsang.org/, last night. It is always good, and always deeply unsettling. I don’t always know that it is unsettling, but this morning I know that it is always so. He makes the world come apart and the pieces feel less connected. He penetrates the veil - reveals the truth of who we are. I easily enter that place where, where, where the holy moment enters.

My wife and I laid down together last night. It was sweet and frightening. I don’t know what it means, except that we both torn by our love and by our daemons.

I have a deep conflict with responsibility and accountability. I have to find the courage to be with the shame, with this fear. My father is there. I am not sure I want to meet him.

We have a wedding to go to today. We will see old friends.

Old friends
The roots of the tree
Ghosts of the past

Today I display my twisted branches
And my gnarled leaves

Today I speak truth
Or not at all

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