(no subject)
Title: Conversations with Fallen Ashes
Pairing: Danny/Steve
Rating: PG-13.
Warnings: Mucho angst.
Word Count: 2273
Prompt Fill: 003. Numb (for h50_50)
Notes: Not BETAed, as always. MAJOR angst.
Summary: On the surface, Steve is his usual collected self. His emotions aren't betrayed by his eyes, his brows, his jaw.
On the surface, Steve is his usual collected self. His emotions aren't betrayed by his eyes, his brows, his jaw. He keeps everything slack and plain, remains silent unless he feels the need to ask a question. Under the hard shell however, his heart is taking a beating from a sledgehammer; breaking into microscopic pieces.
"The minute we got settled in the ER, he completely changed. It was like part of him shut down. When we tried to get him to talk about what happened, he just stared right through us like we weren't there. Chin and I had to change his shirt for him because he wouldn't move. It took almost two days for him to say a word to anyone. He never once left your side, Steve. Had to be forcibly removed a few times just so we could get him to eat. After a while, the staff just gave up, but I brought him stuff because after that first week, he started getting up to call Grace and if there was something there, outside the room, he would eat.
"Danny got angry with all of us, but never once did he let his anger out when he was in the room with you. More than anyone in the hospital, he took the best care of you. He was so gentle, so attentive. First thing in the morning, he'd wash your face and around the ventilator. He'd comb your hair, make sure nothing needed changing, tuck you in as best he could to keep you warm and then read to you." Kono sniffles and then laughs as though she's embarrassed, wiping at her eyes to clear the tears from them.
"The nurses were all scared of him because the minute they did something that didn't sit right with him, he'd lash out at them and then find their supervisor. It was scary though, because he never raised his voice, not even when he was out of the room. I can tell you one thing, boss. When the building blew up, a part of him went with. That's the only explanation for why he's been acting this way."
Steve waves her off after that, leaning back carefully in his office chair and signaling for Chin to come in next. Danny needed to come in to be debriefed on the explosion that caused Sang Min's death and because Steve's still healing--and because Danny refuses to let him out of his sight--he came along and is using the opportunity to get some insights from his colleagues.
Chin's story is almost identical to Kono's.
"He knocked me pretty good, man. It was just a few days after they set you up in the ICU and he was still trying to deal with everything. Mary wasn't answering his calls, Rachel was trying to make him take Grace even when he was at the hospital, and he just had a lot on his plate as a whole. I suggested that he take a five-minute nap and he just lost it; cleaned my clock with that right hook of his and then told me to get out if I wasn't going to be of any help. I should have come back after that--I wanted to come back after that--but he made it very clear that the only people he was letting in the room were those that either needed to be there in a medical capacity, or those that weren't going to try and get him to look after himself a little bit.
“The doctors' were saying that he's suffering from PTSD, bro, and I agree with them. Kono doesn't know this 'cause she was in the surveillance truck the whole time, but after we found you, he literally held your guts in until the ambulance arrived. You know as well as I do that something like that changes a guy. He's been a walking time bomb since then, too preoccupied with your recovery to even think about his own well-being. To be honest, and Kono will probably back me up on this, but we never saw him so much as shed a tear while you were out and he was there every day, hearing the good news and the bad, watching your body heal in slow motion. If he doesn't want to get professional help then that's fine, but you need to talk to him, to see where his head's at because, Steve, those eyes are the eyes of a man living in fear of tomorrow. He's scared of losing you and it's not gonna go away with time."
By the time he's finished talking to Chin, Steve very nearly wants to run from their offices, get away to somewhere where no one can see him, and have the biggest cry he's had since his mother's passing. But as Chin leaves the room, the Governor walks in and makes a beeline for his mini fridge, helping herself to a beer without a word. When she sits down, he notices her eyes are red-rimmed and not for the first time he fights the urge to ask if she's okay. Steve doesn't run, but merely continues to sit behind his desk, looking somewhat numb to anyone who might glance at him. It's a facade that he's perfected over years in the military, and an easy way to hide his true feelings. It works on everyone but Danny, who has, from day one, seen right through him.
"That man loves you, Stephen. Loves you more than anything in the entire world. It's a wonder he's even able to support his own weight on two feet right now. If I had any idea of the hell he was going through while you were in the hospital, I would have made sure that someone was there to help him through it. What he went through when that building exploded Steve, is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. You weren't the only one gravely injured, McGarrett. That boy is the walking dead with all the trauma he witnessed.
With all that being said, I'm putting you and him on temporary leave for a month to give you both ample time to heal. Chin and Kono will continue to work on the task force, before you ask. There's at least six months worth of paperwork for everyone to catch up on with this Sang Min case alone. Now, as your boss, I'm telling you that I do not want to see your face here for that full duration; as your friend I would strongly recommend that you and him get away to a little resort where you don't have to so much as lift a pinky if you don't want to. I've already made arrangements for you at the Kauai if you choose to use them. No one will bother either of you there." She slugs down half the beer and shakes her head as though she still can't believe what she heard in the debriefing. Steve feels like throwing up; it's worse than he imagined if the Governor is basically forcing them to take a vacation.
Steve doesn't have time to respond in one way or another however, as Danny peeks his head in and gives them both a much-too-forced smile.
"Ready to go, big guy?" he asks, jerking his chin in Steve's direction as he opens the door a little further. Still trying to process the all the information he's been bombarded with, Steve nods dumbly, eyes taking in Danny with new respect and a much more profound set of feelings than were there prior to the accident. He stands, grabbing the cane from the corner of his desk and with a silent 'thank you' mouthed to the Governor, he follows Danny out to the Camaro.
Danny drives them home in silence, one hand laced through Steve's in much the same way it has been since he's come home from the hospital, his eyes unreadable as he glances straight ahead.
"So, the Governor basically doesn't want to see us for a month. Set us up at an all-inclusive so we can have a bit of a break..." Steve speaks softly, breaking the silence slowly so as to not startle Danny. The last thing he wants is the Camaro swerving off the road.
"She's a smart lady," is all Danny replies, turning onto the road that will lead them to the house, his face still devoid of any emotion.
"Look, Danno, I'm gonna be straight with you here. She did it because she's worried about you; worried about how you've taken all that's happened. She wants to give you time to relax, work through all the stress--"
"All the stress? Stress, Steve, really? You think I was just stressed?" Danny's voice is suddenly louder than it has been since Steve woke up. He throws a hard right with the wheel and brings the car to a screeching halt in Steve's driveway before fixing his partner with a murderous look.
"Do you have any idea what went through my head when that fucking warehouse blew up? When all the windows blew out and fire exploded out of every corner? Did you know that I had to hold your guts in for almost half an hour until the ambulance got there? That I was trying to hold you closed until rescue arrived? Stressed is putting it mildly, Stephen!" The explosion of anger leaves Steve stunned, eyes wide as he finally snaps out of the numbness he'd felt all day. There's no time to reply however, as Danny tears the key from the ignition and careens out of the car, shoulders practically at his ears with tension.
Steve follows as fast as he can given his circumstances, and by the time he reaches the front entrance to his own house, Danny is nowhere to be seen. Closing the door behind him, Steve looks around, growing more and more worried when he doesn't spot the mess of blond hair that has become as much a part of the house as anything else that rests inside it.
"Danno! Danny! C'mon, man, get down here! We need to talk!" The creak of his mattress gives Danny away, and with a soft sigh, Steve climbs the stairs, taking them slowly so he doesn't flare up his leg.
Inside his room, the light is fading into that soft pinkish-yellow that's so typical of Hawaiian sunsets. Danny's curled up on the bed, back to the door, Steve's own pillow clutched tightly in his arms. The image of a lost little boy springs to mind so easily that Steve finds it hard to keep his own tears from smarting the corners of his eyes. He can't possibly imagine what Danny went through, what fears and anxieties he's still suffering from. The one thing he can do however, is be there fore him. Steve's good at supporting those he loves, and in a realization that's clearer than any he's had in all his previous years, McGarrett can assert without a shadow of a doubt that he does, in fact, love Danny Williams with all his heart and soul.
Slipping in behind his partner, he tugs him close in much the same way he'd done the first night back from the hospital. One hand splayed over his heart and the other smoothing back his hair, Steve tucks his own face into the crook of Danny's neck and whispers his words.
"I'm sorry I made light of what happened. It wasn't how I meant for it to come out. No one will ever say that what you went through was anything less than hell, Danny, but you're still suffering and that's why the Governor is sending us away. She wants you to have time to heal, more so than me. She wants you to have the same care and attention paid to you that you paid to me for all those days when I was in the ICU. She wants someone to make sure that you know you're loved by every single one of us." Steve's shuddered breath escapes before he can stop it, the tears threatening to spill down his cheeks without respite.
"I wasn't thinking of the consequences when I went after him. It hurt you much more than it hurt me, but believe me Danny, I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted you to have to hold my life in your hands the way you did. If I could've seen what was coming, I would have never in a million years gone in there. I love you, Danny. I'd never hurt you."
The words break something in both of them and with a wail that's more anguish than relief, Danny turns and buries his head in Steve's chest. When he speaks, the words are muffled by tears and his partner's shirt, but Steve can make out exactly what Danny is saying.
"I thought I was going to have to bury you! How m'I supposed to live without you, huh? You fuckin' take my heart without permission, like an animal, and then you go and put yourself in a coma. If you'd died, Steve I don't--" Danny can't bring himself to even finish the thought, a keening whimper cutting off the words as he tightens the hold he has on Steve, desperation coursing through every nerve ending.
For the first time since his mother's funeral, Steve lets himself cry openly in front of another person. There, holding onto Danny as tightly as he's being held onto, Steve gives in and lets go.
Pairing: Danny/Steve
Rating: PG-13.
Warnings: Mucho angst.
Word Count: 2273
Prompt Fill: 003. Numb (for h50_50)
Notes: Not BETAed, as always. MAJOR angst.
Summary: On the surface, Steve is his usual collected self. His emotions aren't betrayed by his eyes, his brows, his jaw.
On the surface, Steve is his usual collected self. His emotions aren't betrayed by his eyes, his brows, his jaw. He keeps everything slack and plain, remains silent unless he feels the need to ask a question. Under the hard shell however, his heart is taking a beating from a sledgehammer; breaking into microscopic pieces.
"The minute we got settled in the ER, he completely changed. It was like part of him shut down. When we tried to get him to talk about what happened, he just stared right through us like we weren't there. Chin and I had to change his shirt for him because he wouldn't move. It took almost two days for him to say a word to anyone. He never once left your side, Steve. Had to be forcibly removed a few times just so we could get him to eat. After a while, the staff just gave up, but I brought him stuff because after that first week, he started getting up to call Grace and if there was something there, outside the room, he would eat.
"Danny got angry with all of us, but never once did he let his anger out when he was in the room with you. More than anyone in the hospital, he took the best care of you. He was so gentle, so attentive. First thing in the morning, he'd wash your face and around the ventilator. He'd comb your hair, make sure nothing needed changing, tuck you in as best he could to keep you warm and then read to you." Kono sniffles and then laughs as though she's embarrassed, wiping at her eyes to clear the tears from them.
"The nurses were all scared of him because the minute they did something that didn't sit right with him, he'd lash out at them and then find their supervisor. It was scary though, because he never raised his voice, not even when he was out of the room. I can tell you one thing, boss. When the building blew up, a part of him went with. That's the only explanation for why he's been acting this way."
Steve waves her off after that, leaning back carefully in his office chair and signaling for Chin to come in next. Danny needed to come in to be debriefed on the explosion that caused Sang Min's death and because Steve's still healing--and because Danny refuses to let him out of his sight--he came along and is using the opportunity to get some insights from his colleagues.
Chin's story is almost identical to Kono's.
"He knocked me pretty good, man. It was just a few days after they set you up in the ICU and he was still trying to deal with everything. Mary wasn't answering his calls, Rachel was trying to make him take Grace even when he was at the hospital, and he just had a lot on his plate as a whole. I suggested that he take a five-minute nap and he just lost it; cleaned my clock with that right hook of his and then told me to get out if I wasn't going to be of any help. I should have come back after that--I wanted to come back after that--but he made it very clear that the only people he was letting in the room were those that either needed to be there in a medical capacity, or those that weren't going to try and get him to look after himself a little bit.
“The doctors' were saying that he's suffering from PTSD, bro, and I agree with them. Kono doesn't know this 'cause she was in the surveillance truck the whole time, but after we found you, he literally held your guts in until the ambulance arrived. You know as well as I do that something like that changes a guy. He's been a walking time bomb since then, too preoccupied with your recovery to even think about his own well-being. To be honest, and Kono will probably back me up on this, but we never saw him so much as shed a tear while you were out and he was there every day, hearing the good news and the bad, watching your body heal in slow motion. If he doesn't want to get professional help then that's fine, but you need to talk to him, to see where his head's at because, Steve, those eyes are the eyes of a man living in fear of tomorrow. He's scared of losing you and it's not gonna go away with time."
By the time he's finished talking to Chin, Steve very nearly wants to run from their offices, get away to somewhere where no one can see him, and have the biggest cry he's had since his mother's passing. But as Chin leaves the room, the Governor walks in and makes a beeline for his mini fridge, helping herself to a beer without a word. When she sits down, he notices her eyes are red-rimmed and not for the first time he fights the urge to ask if she's okay. Steve doesn't run, but merely continues to sit behind his desk, looking somewhat numb to anyone who might glance at him. It's a facade that he's perfected over years in the military, and an easy way to hide his true feelings. It works on everyone but Danny, who has, from day one, seen right through him.
"That man loves you, Stephen. Loves you more than anything in the entire world. It's a wonder he's even able to support his own weight on two feet right now. If I had any idea of the hell he was going through while you were in the hospital, I would have made sure that someone was there to help him through it. What he went through when that building exploded Steve, is something I would never wish on my worst enemy. You weren't the only one gravely injured, McGarrett. That boy is the walking dead with all the trauma he witnessed.
With all that being said, I'm putting you and him on temporary leave for a month to give you both ample time to heal. Chin and Kono will continue to work on the task force, before you ask. There's at least six months worth of paperwork for everyone to catch up on with this Sang Min case alone. Now, as your boss, I'm telling you that I do not want to see your face here for that full duration; as your friend I would strongly recommend that you and him get away to a little resort where you don't have to so much as lift a pinky if you don't want to. I've already made arrangements for you at the Kauai if you choose to use them. No one will bother either of you there." She slugs down half the beer and shakes her head as though she still can't believe what she heard in the debriefing. Steve feels like throwing up; it's worse than he imagined if the Governor is basically forcing them to take a vacation.
Steve doesn't have time to respond in one way or another however, as Danny peeks his head in and gives them both a much-too-forced smile.
"Ready to go, big guy?" he asks, jerking his chin in Steve's direction as he opens the door a little further. Still trying to process the all the information he's been bombarded with, Steve nods dumbly, eyes taking in Danny with new respect and a much more profound set of feelings than were there prior to the accident. He stands, grabbing the cane from the corner of his desk and with a silent 'thank you' mouthed to the Governor, he follows Danny out to the Camaro.
Danny drives them home in silence, one hand laced through Steve's in much the same way it has been since he's come home from the hospital, his eyes unreadable as he glances straight ahead.
"So, the Governor basically doesn't want to see us for a month. Set us up at an all-inclusive so we can have a bit of a break..." Steve speaks softly, breaking the silence slowly so as to not startle Danny. The last thing he wants is the Camaro swerving off the road.
"She's a smart lady," is all Danny replies, turning onto the road that will lead them to the house, his face still devoid of any emotion.
"Look, Danno, I'm gonna be straight with you here. She did it because she's worried about you; worried about how you've taken all that's happened. She wants to give you time to relax, work through all the stress--"
"All the stress? Stress, Steve, really? You think I was just stressed?" Danny's voice is suddenly louder than it has been since Steve woke up. He throws a hard right with the wheel and brings the car to a screeching halt in Steve's driveway before fixing his partner with a murderous look.
"Do you have any idea what went through my head when that fucking warehouse blew up? When all the windows blew out and fire exploded out of every corner? Did you know that I had to hold your guts in for almost half an hour until the ambulance got there? That I was trying to hold you closed until rescue arrived? Stressed is putting it mildly, Stephen!" The explosion of anger leaves Steve stunned, eyes wide as he finally snaps out of the numbness he'd felt all day. There's no time to reply however, as Danny tears the key from the ignition and careens out of the car, shoulders practically at his ears with tension.
Steve follows as fast as he can given his circumstances, and by the time he reaches the front entrance to his own house, Danny is nowhere to be seen. Closing the door behind him, Steve looks around, growing more and more worried when he doesn't spot the mess of blond hair that has become as much a part of the house as anything else that rests inside it.
"Danno! Danny! C'mon, man, get down here! We need to talk!" The creak of his mattress gives Danny away, and with a soft sigh, Steve climbs the stairs, taking them slowly so he doesn't flare up his leg.
Inside his room, the light is fading into that soft pinkish-yellow that's so typical of Hawaiian sunsets. Danny's curled up on the bed, back to the door, Steve's own pillow clutched tightly in his arms. The image of a lost little boy springs to mind so easily that Steve finds it hard to keep his own tears from smarting the corners of his eyes. He can't possibly imagine what Danny went through, what fears and anxieties he's still suffering from. The one thing he can do however, is be there fore him. Steve's good at supporting those he loves, and in a realization that's clearer than any he's had in all his previous years, McGarrett can assert without a shadow of a doubt that he does, in fact, love Danny Williams with all his heart and soul.
Slipping in behind his partner, he tugs him close in much the same way he'd done the first night back from the hospital. One hand splayed over his heart and the other smoothing back his hair, Steve tucks his own face into the crook of Danny's neck and whispers his words.
"I'm sorry I made light of what happened. It wasn't how I meant for it to come out. No one will ever say that what you went through was anything less than hell, Danny, but you're still suffering and that's why the Governor is sending us away. She wants you to have time to heal, more so than me. She wants you to have the same care and attention paid to you that you paid to me for all those days when I was in the ICU. She wants someone to make sure that you know you're loved by every single one of us." Steve's shuddered breath escapes before he can stop it, the tears threatening to spill down his cheeks without respite.
"I wasn't thinking of the consequences when I went after him. It hurt you much more than it hurt me, but believe me Danny, I never wanted to hurt you. I never wanted you to have to hold my life in your hands the way you did. If I could've seen what was coming, I would have never in a million years gone in there. I love you, Danny. I'd never hurt you."
The words break something in both of them and with a wail that's more anguish than relief, Danny turns and buries his head in Steve's chest. When he speaks, the words are muffled by tears and his partner's shirt, but Steve can make out exactly what Danny is saying.
"I thought I was going to have to bury you! How m'I supposed to live without you, huh? You fuckin' take my heart without permission, like an animal, and then you go and put yourself in a coma. If you'd died, Steve I don't--" Danny can't bring himself to even finish the thought, a keening whimper cutting off the words as he tightens the hold he has on Steve, desperation coursing through every nerve ending.
For the first time since his mother's funeral, Steve lets himself cry openly in front of another person. There, holding onto Danny as tightly as he's being held onto, Steve gives in and lets go.