Erasure: "a sky so much nearer"

[redsilverchains]

Erasure: a sky so much nearer

Original text(s) erased: The Secret Garden (Chapter 10: ‘I Am Colin'), A Little Princess (Chapter 9: ‘Melchisedec’)

Original author: Frances Hodgson Burnett (I like to think she'd be tickled by this!)

Note: I am a newb to the art of Erasure Poetry; I acknowledge be_themoon for starting my fascination with it; and caramelsilver for upping

Comments

[zempasuchil]

This is so cool! A really neat idea, to splice the texts - bringing the characters together is such a fannish idea, it strikes me, and it works so wonderfully, especially since it's two works by the same author so you get the same sort of phrases and vocabulary, but also an ability to compare the two works as representative of the same original imagination.

This is an interesting mix of creating a scene and narrative, and venturing out into more poetic territory. I think I like the magical bits more, considering that's what the original texts really bring to the table: a bit of magic into the everyday.

Love the title, it's really thematically perfect.

parts I really liked:

climbing
far away
from all the world

staring out of the windows - I've only seen the movies for these books but this line alone is so evocative of both for me!

what a different world they saw
slanted fiercely
empty
not afraid of falling
interesting that you made it slanted fiercely / empty, and not slanted / fiercely empty. How did you figure the spacing and linebreaks? Did you preserve lines? How about the gaps between parts?

she had lived across the ocean
in splendid books
:DDD

His eyes
his heart
lightning
carried away

and Sara forgot the existence of morning -- oooohhhh. This and the whole stanza it's in, I love it

He had a heart made of words
and she lived in splendid books! just perfect, omg!

The ending is so wonderfully quiet and still and sweet. Lovely. This has a very soft tone overall; the stronger bits like lightning and "slanted fiercely" really stood out in that. Almost makes me wonder if something stranger, more exotic could be erased out of this text.

Thank you so much for posting this to the comm! I loved reading it. (Are you sure you don't want to sign up for the erasureathon exchange? as mod I must dutifully try to sell you on it ;) )

[redsilverchains]

bringing the characters together is such a fannish idea, it strikes me
I love crossovers and have written a couple of them with utter enthusiasm, so I just about lost it - in a good way!- when I got the inspiration for an erasure-crossover ;)

And speaking of inspired ideas, I have to applaud you guys for coming up with the idea of fandom-centric erasures in the first place! It’s fantastic!

staring out of the windows - I've only seen the movies for these books but this line alone is so evocative of both for me!
:D I’ll always be glad that both movies for the books are so beautiful and got the characters plus the spirit of both stories so well. And yeah, I know! Being separate from all the world-it just speaks so well for both of them.

Initially, they were two separate erasures- they’re in different fonts, if you’ve noticed. Yep, the whole phrases you see are just like that in the original. The gaps are words between that I erased. Most of the line breaks are structured like that though sometimes I played looser- like I isolated ‘when one was enchanted’ and climbing and open my eyes just for emphasis. I am, honestly, not that much of a poet, but they seemed to stand out more.

He had a heart made of words
and she lived in splendid books! just perfect, omg!
\o/ I’m so glad you caught that! They’re two of my favorite lines and the parallel still makes me insanely happy that those words were there for me to play with.

I have always loved this author’s prose-not overtly grandiose but there’s always something achingly magical and heartfelt about the way she tells her stories. Oh, I’m also now wondering what other stories they can tell- the later chapters are even more strange and exotic.

I’m glad you liked the ending! I was worried that it came off weak, but you have reassured me that I did it right :)

I swear, when I've written more up-to-par fics that are over the 2000 word mark, I'll give the actual exchange a whirl ;) I’m so grateful you’ve continued to allow others to post!

Thanks so much for this lovely, detailed feedback! Such a great welcome into the world of erasures :D

[zempasuchil]

I love erasure, so it is my passion to give detailed reviews :D I do hope you do more erasures! it seems like there've been a few informal exchanges outside of the one I organize, and those've turned out great. So you don't need anything specific to try it out :) :) :)