The Sunday Six: Ceci n'est pas une TARDIS
It has come to my attention that a charming but little-known science-fiction series is returning to our screens in a couple of weeks time. Rather than just sitting at home making incoherent noises about this prospect, I decided to take my anticipation and my camera out into the streets of London today, in the hopes of finding a droolworthy Time Lord thrills and adventure of my own. Sadly I didn't find any, but I did return with a photographic Six devoted entirely to TARDIS-spotting:
Six Real-Life TARDIS Lookalikes
or Never Mind The Time Machine, Where's The Tennant?
1. Police post
Where is it? Piccadilly Circus.
Wins points for: Basically, these small posts (which have a police phone in them) were brought in to replace the original big police boxes. So the colour and styling are pretty much on the money, and it scores extra for being located in a tourist-friendly spot with Eros in the background and a red double-decker beetling by (so you know you're not actually in Cardiff).
The downside: It's only five feet high and about a foot wide. I know David Tennant is skinny in the extreme (bless him) but even he would have trouble squeezing into this one. Wouldn't mind watching him try, though. Get the olive oil on standby, girls....
TARDISes out of ten: Seven.
2. Watchman's box, 19th century
Where is it? The Museum of London. Apparently, parish watchmen used to sit in these boxes when not on their rounds, and would open the top bits of the door to speak to the public. This box used to be located at Furnival's Inn, near Holborn, which explains the words painted on the top.
Wins points for: A proper bit of craftsmanship with period authenticity and a lovely real-wood finish. It would fit into a Victorian-style adventure rather well, don't you think?
The downside: Aside from the colour being totally wrong, it's a bit like Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen's idea of what a TARDIS should look like. But I think it's rather nice nonetheless.
TARDISes out of ten: Six.
3. News-stand
Where is it? Upper Regent's Street.
Wins points for: Right colour, and contains plenty of reading matter to while away those boring periods while you're waiting for the supervillain of the week to get his act together.
The downside: Too big and oblong and generally dull.
TARDISes out of ten: Three.
4. London Transport double phone-box
Where is it? South Kensington tube station.
Wins points for: Being a sort of Siamese-twin mutant TARDIS, it would make a great his 'n' hers version, so ideal for shippers! The pigeon-proofing spikes on the roof give it an unusually hardcore edge, too.
The downside: A bit too transparent to hide an infinitely large interior inside it.
TARDISes out of ten: Five.
5. Bloody hell, it's the TARDIS! Genuine police box
Where is it? Earl's Court Road, outside the tube station.
Wins points for: Well, basically this IS a TARDIS, isn't it. Apart from the rather over-large light on the top (compensating for something, are we, Doctor?), you wouldn't be surprised if it dematerialized right in front of you. Although the Metropolitan Police might be, since apparently it contains thousands of pounds worth of important police gubbins.
The downside: Far from being ignored by passers-by, it's constantly being stared at and having its photo taken by well-meaning but overexcited snappers. Hem hem.
TARDISes out of ten: Eleven!
6. Unconvincing wheelie-bin
Where is it? Just off St James' Street, Piccadilly.
Wins points for: Well, it's blue. And quite capacious. And doesn't attract much attention. And a top-loading TARDIS might make a nice change. At least, the thought of the Doctor and Rose popping their heads out of the top is pretty entertaining. Oh, suit yourselves...
The downside: Quite literally, it's rubbish.
TARDISes out of ten: Minus 47.
* * * * *
Of course, the ideal companion piece to this Six would be devoted to Tennant-spotting. So any ideas on where to locate attractively lithe Scotsmen and how to photograph them without getting arrested would be gratefully appreciated, hee hee hee...
Six Real-Life TARDIS Lookalikes
or Never Mind The Time Machine, Where's The Tennant?
1. Police post
Where is it? Piccadilly Circus.
Wins points for: Basically, these small posts (which have a police phone in them) were brought in to replace the original big police boxes. So the colour and styling are pretty much on the money, and it scores extra for being located in a tourist-friendly spot with Eros in the background and a red double-decker beetling by (so you know you're not actually in Cardiff).
The downside: It's only five feet high and about a foot wide. I know David Tennant is skinny in the extreme (bless him) but even he would have trouble squeezing into this one. Wouldn't mind watching him try, though. Get the olive oil on standby, girls....
TARDISes out of ten: Seven.
2. Watchman's box, 19th century
Where is it? The Museum of London. Apparently, parish watchmen used to sit in these boxes when not on their rounds, and would open the top bits of the door to speak to the public. This box used to be located at Furnival's Inn, near Holborn, which explains the words painted on the top.
Wins points for: A proper bit of craftsmanship with period authenticity and a lovely real-wood finish. It would fit into a Victorian-style adventure rather well, don't you think?
The downside: Aside from the colour being totally wrong, it's a bit like Lawrence Llewelyn-Bowen's idea of what a TARDIS should look like. But I think it's rather nice nonetheless.
TARDISes out of ten: Six.
3. News-stand
Where is it? Upper Regent's Street.
Wins points for: Right colour, and contains plenty of reading matter to while away those boring periods while you're waiting for the supervillain of the week to get his act together.
The downside: Too big and oblong and generally dull.
TARDISes out of ten: Three.
4. London Transport double phone-box
Where is it? South Kensington tube station.
Wins points for: Being a sort of Siamese-twin mutant TARDIS, it would make a great his 'n' hers version, so ideal for shippers! The pigeon-proofing spikes on the roof give it an unusually hardcore edge, too.
The downside: A bit too transparent to hide an infinitely large interior inside it.
TARDISes out of ten: Five.
5. Bloody hell, it's the TARDIS! Genuine police box
Where is it? Earl's Court Road, outside the tube station.
Wins points for: Well, basically this IS a TARDIS, isn't it. Apart from the rather over-large light on the top (compensating for something, are we, Doctor?), you wouldn't be surprised if it dematerialized right in front of you. Although the Metropolitan Police might be, since apparently it contains thousands of pounds worth of important police gubbins.
The downside: Far from being ignored by passers-by, it's constantly being stared at and having its photo taken by well-meaning but overexcited snappers. Hem hem.
TARDISes out of ten: Eleven!
6. Unconvincing wheelie-bin
Where is it? Just off St James' Street, Piccadilly.
Wins points for: Well, it's blue. And quite capacious. And doesn't attract much attention. And a top-loading TARDIS might make a nice change. At least, the thought of the Doctor and Rose popping their heads out of the top is pretty entertaining. Oh, suit yourselves...
The downside: Quite literally, it's rubbish.
TARDISes out of ten: Minus 47.
* * * * *
Of course, the ideal companion piece to this Six would be devoted to Tennant-spotting. So any ideas on where to locate attractively lithe Scotsmen and how to photograph them without getting arrested would be gratefully appreciated, hee hee hee...