Vaudeville and Variety

[redscharlach]

I'd like to blame this filk on Radio 2. They've been giving a certain song by Kate Rusby so much airplay lately that it became firmly stuck in my head, and the new lyrics started to form spontaneously. That's my official story, anyway. The alternative explanation is that I happen to get a disproportionate amount of pleasure from finding ornate multi-syllable rhymes. Hey, at least it keeps me off the streets...

The Torchwood Company Anthem
to the tune of "The Village Green Preservation Society"
(as sung by either The Kinks or Kate Rusby)

We are the Torchwood Three Earth-Protection Society
We catch alien scum of every slimy variety
We are a magnet for otherworldly exotica
Time shifts, mystery tech and shameless homoerotica

We're saving the world but we don't like to brag
For queen and for empire, we're flying the flag
D'you fancy a shag?

We are the Cardiff Bay World-Defending Monopoly
We serve the public good, but sometimes rather sloppily
We are a haven for avant-garde sexuality
Thank God, we draw the line just before bestiality

We are the Space-Time Rift Observation Facility
Battling twisted plots and our own lack of ability
We are supporters of pterodactyl autonomy
Big guns, Weevil spray, and the South Wales economy
We are an outlet for futuristic depravity
If you've got a pulse then we'll provide a cavity

We fight for the future, a highly trained crew
There's none we can't conquer, and none we can't screw
So please form a queue

We are the Torchwood Three Space-Age Salvage Authority
We think we're shit-hot, though we're in the minority
We are the Captain Jack Rooftop-Posing Fraternity
We'll yell, angst and flirt until the end of eternity
We are the Torchwood Three Earth-Protection Society
We catch alien scum with no regard for propriety

Hell yeah, we're Torchwood Three...