Joke For a Buck
SCENE
A CHILD confronts a flamboyantly-dressed JOKER busking for coins in the street.
JOKER
Support Struggling Performers! Joke for a Buck! Support Struggling Performers! Joke for a Buck!
CHILD
Hey, isn’t the Global Warming thing supposed to start here?
JOKER
What? I mean: yes! That’s me! Yep! Environmentalist humor. I am so there. You got a buck? I’m starving.
CHILD
(Pulls out a coin)
Sure.
(Snatches it back as JOKER reaches for it)
You have to make me laugh, though.
JOKER
No problem. Um, how old are you, kid?
CHILD
11.
JOKER
OK. PG-13 environmental jokes. Umm… Hmm… Nope, not that one… No… None of those... Nothing by Billy Connelly… No, wait - I got it! Yes, that’ll work:
How many polar bears can fit in a Volkswagen Beetle?
CHILD
Five: two in the front, two in the back, one in the trunk.
JOKER
(Deflates) Uh, yeah. That’s right.
CHILD
Only I heard it was elephants.
JOKER
(Rallying) OK, then what game do they play on the trip?
CHILD
Squash.
JOKER
Yeah, um, “squash.” Right. OK. Um. How do you get a polar bear into your refrigerator?
CHILD
I dunno.
JOKER
You open the door, put the polar bear in, then you close the door!
CHILD
That’s not funny.
JOKER
Tough crowd. OK. How do you get a walrus into the refrigerator?
CHILD
(Shrugs) Same way. Open door, put the walrus --
JOKER
No! You open the door, you take the polar bear out, you put the walrus in, THEN you close the door. HA!
CHILD
Still not funny.
JOKER
All right -- how can you tell that a polar bear has been in your refrigerator?
CHILD
By the footprints in the butter. But that’s elephants again.
JOKER
Well then, how do you know there are *two* polar bears in your refrigerator?
CHILD
(Shrugs)
JOKER
The door won't close. How do you know there are *three* polar bears in your refrigerator?
(Bulls through as CHILD begins to speak)
There are two more outside in the Volkswagen Beetle waiting for a quick getaway!
CHILD
(After a pause) I don’t get it.
JOKER
Agh! C’mon, kid, you’re killing me. OK, OK -- Santa Claus called a conference on polar icecap melting, and all the animals from both poles came, except one. Which one?
CHILD
I dunno.
JOKER
The walrus -- you left him in the refrigerator!
CHILD
(Snickers a little)
JOKER
There! You laughed! Hahah! Yes!
CHILD
OK, whatever. (He grudgingly hands over a dollar)
JOKER
Sweet! Watch my spot, kid - I’m going to get something to eat. (He bolts)
CHILD
(Yells after him) Don’t quit your day job!
~r
A CHILD confronts a flamboyantly-dressed JOKER busking for coins in the street.
JOKER
Support Struggling Performers! Joke for a Buck! Support Struggling Performers! Joke for a Buck!
CHILD
Hey, isn’t the Global Warming thing supposed to start here?
JOKER
What? I mean: yes! That’s me! Yep! Environmentalist humor. I am so there. You got a buck? I’m starving.
CHILD
(Pulls out a coin)
Sure.
(Snatches it back as JOKER reaches for it)
You have to make me laugh, though.
JOKER
No problem. Um, how old are you, kid?
CHILD
11.
JOKER
OK. PG-13 environmental jokes. Umm… Hmm… Nope, not that one… No… None of those... Nothing by Billy Connelly… No, wait - I got it! Yes, that’ll work:
How many polar bears can fit in a Volkswagen Beetle?
CHILD
Five: two in the front, two in the back, one in the trunk.
JOKER
(Deflates) Uh, yeah. That’s right.
CHILD
Only I heard it was elephants.
JOKER
(Rallying) OK, then what game do they play on the trip?
CHILD
Squash.
JOKER
Yeah, um, “squash.” Right. OK. Um. How do you get a polar bear into your refrigerator?
CHILD
I dunno.
JOKER
You open the door, put the polar bear in, then you close the door!
CHILD
That’s not funny.
JOKER
Tough crowd. OK. How do you get a walrus into the refrigerator?
CHILD
(Shrugs) Same way. Open door, put the walrus --
JOKER
No! You open the door, you take the polar bear out, you put the walrus in, THEN you close the door. HA!
CHILD
Still not funny.
JOKER
All right -- how can you tell that a polar bear has been in your refrigerator?
CHILD
By the footprints in the butter. But that’s elephants again.
JOKER
Well then, how do you know there are *two* polar bears in your refrigerator?
CHILD
(Shrugs)
JOKER
The door won't close. How do you know there are *three* polar bears in your refrigerator?
(Bulls through as CHILD begins to speak)
There are two more outside in the Volkswagen Beetle waiting for a quick getaway!
CHILD
(After a pause) I don’t get it.
JOKER
Agh! C’mon, kid, you’re killing me. OK, OK -- Santa Claus called a conference on polar icecap melting, and all the animals from both poles came, except one. Which one?
CHILD
I dunno.
JOKER
The walrus -- you left him in the refrigerator!
CHILD
(Snickers a little)
JOKER
There! You laughed! Hahah! Yes!
CHILD
OK, whatever. (He grudgingly hands over a dollar)
JOKER
Sweet! Watch my spot, kid - I’m going to get something to eat. (He bolts)
CHILD
(Yells after him) Don’t quit your day job!
~r