(no subject)

[redrumlucy]

Why don't I have a backbone? What's wrong with me. I dont want to leave anymore, I'm leaving so much behind. I'm scared and I want to take a lot of things with me. I'm not sure weather the good outweighs the bad in maple ridge. For the first time in my life, I'm actually angry and upset and hurt by one of my freinds. Not over something stupid. It was an actual fight. I'm so confused and scared. I can't go to school, I can't. I'm not strong enough emotionally. Why do I end up getting hurt when I try so hard to stay detached? I try so hard to not care and not get involved, then it sneaks up on me and kills me. I don't want this to hurt, and my logical mind knows it doesnt. It must be my period, it must be. I have to go to calgary, theres really no option. It's my family and I know that I have to go see them and spend time with them before I go. But I dont want to go. This is riddiculous. This is highschool and highschool has no importance in real life. except that this is my life right now. I think ... what if it was different, what if I went away durring gr 8? Then I never would have met most of my freinds now. I can't imagine not knowing you guys, and not having the memories, and it scares me that thats whats goign to happen next year. I'm goign to miss all those memories. This will be the only time I will ever talk about this. Except maybe the day I leave. Other than that.... I will be strong. I'll put on my face and pretend it doesnt faze me. Pretend it's not happening. I wont see it for what it is.

As for the other thing? Ill forget all about that too. Ill talk to him, seperatly. But I dont want to talk to her. I dont care whats going on, I just dont want to talk to her. But that's it.

Love
Maryn

PS Thank you for putting up with all my bullshit Solana. I love you.