love labyrinth game and the Joker [one-shot]
Title: love labyrinth game and the Joker [one-shot]
Pairing: Junseung (Hyunseung centric) + minor one-sided Kiseung (brotherly love only)
Rating: G (if i'm not wrong)
Words count : almost 5000 @_@
Summary: Hyunseung's vision of love is complicated, torturous but yet amazing and passionate. Author's
Notes:
All my Junseung fics will be dedicated to xanderleach from now.
OK guys I did more than 15word pages and almost 5000 words that's frightening. I hope I've done better than the first one, I had a lot of difficulties to write it in Hyunseung centrism.
Enjoy !
Elusive.
Just like a robber, a ghost, a criminal. Yes, in a game of cards the Joker is always elusive.
Except if you're lucky.
______________
It had begun as always, with insinuations, little or bad jokes, gazes full of meaning and statements like the one he hears just right now.
"It's good to see him laughing, just like that."
Hyunseung doesn't understand as he sees, or more exactly hears Gikwang stating it with his little smile, no ok, big vacuous grin to their leader. Doojoon, instead of slapping the shorter's head as usual, agrees with conviction.
"I know, when I turned my back to see why they weren't listening to 2AM's performance, I found them giggling like crazy. Really, these two. Yoseob was right, I don't know what to do with them."
"I think we should let them be more often together no?".
"Well we'll see."
The dancer frowns from his corner, his presence still gone unnoticed.
When later he would check what Doojoon and Gikwang were talking about, he would find this fancam of Junhyung and him, just as the other videos he would find about him on internet.
Hyunseung couldn't catch his bandmates' statements. But there was this impression, too powerful to be ignored even by himself. This impression that these insinuations were omnipresent. From his bandmates, from his friends, from interviews, from videos, from fans, from himself ?
No answer.
But all he can catch is that the more he's trying to break free from these, the more he's drowning under, getting lost, alone, without any solution to get away from this trap.
______________
If Hyunseung looked for the reason why the two men were chatting about his relationship with Junhyung, well... he would find nothing wrong.
"We both act normal, quietly like the other bandma..."
"No, you guys don't act normal, you silly."
Hyunseung's eyes widen and the dancer turns his back to find the fake magnae, leaning against the door frame of their bedroom.
"How do you know what I was thinking about ?!"
Yoseob frowns then suddenly laughs at the elder.
"Really Hyunseung? I didn't know what you were thinking, you were just talking out loud."
Shit, Hyunseung thinks -or he hopes he thinks-.
The days after that, he tries to understand in what they don't act "normal". So Hyunseung starts to observe, watch with attention every movement, aware of each tiny interaction they have.
Strange atmosphere wraps him slowly with days, and questions fly round and round in his mind.
A list of things he has never noticed before begins.
Why were Yoseob and the others touched that easily by Junhyung while himself only got light and short touches ?
Why didn't they talk much while the rapper spent his time chatting with the younger and arguing/nagging the others ?
OK. He surely wasn't Junhyung's favorite and some hours ago, he wouldn't mind but this wasn't the case anymore.
His awareness rose then on worrying facts : why did his skin feel like burning at the places Junhyung's hand brushed ?
Why did Hyunseung blush when he tried to avoid Junhyung's gaze ?
Why did he feel his stomach twisting whenever Yoseob hugged Junhyung ?
It didn't make any sense, why-
"I do it because i'm the one jealous."
Hyunseung wonders if it came from his lips but decides quickly that it wasn't his voice. He looks at his right from where the sound came from and finds Yoseob once again.
"Wait, did I talk out loud again or ?"
Yoseob chuckles.
"No, but what you think or feel is quite... Obvious right now".
Hyunseung frowns, wonders if Yoseob is a psychic then again his eyes widen. On the opened pages of his laptop could be seen tons of "Junseob" fancams, pictures, articles, fanfics and zero safe page, just like a psycho's wall, full of pictures of his preys.
The dancer panics, closes all the windows and his eyes by the way. Embarrassment paints his cheeks.
"Sorry I didn't mean to spy your actions and all, I just..."
The dancer sighs in defeat and reveals :
"I just tried to understand why you all say there is something between Junhyung and me. It's obvious that you're wrong guys. He feels better with you than with me. In a certain way, I guess I'm jealous."
"You shouldn't, you know? Like I said, I must be the most jealous of the two of us."
Yoseob smiles at Hyunseung's confused face.
"Really, Hyunseung, I don't know Junhyung's feelings but you, you're definitely happier at his side than at ours. Gikwang is even jealous of Junhyung sometimes because, he doesn't manage to make you laugh while Junhyung does. Actually, we all would like to make you smile as Junhyung can.
And about this one.. well, the only thing I can say is that he treats you differently than he's used to any other.
As if you were breakable, fragile. Just like a porcelain doll. I envy this attention really. Even with my aegyo, he doesn't act like that around me. Have you seen ? He keeps beating me or hugging me with no softness, actually it's quite annoying. I know I look like a teddy bear but well... "
Yoseob jokes but Hyunseung hears the disappointment and the bitter.
"But I'm not happier at his side than at yours! It's true that he makes me laugh but it's just..."
Hyunseung remembers the moments, trying to get a very good explanation for the visual magnae. But as words were going to fall, they melt in his brain and what he gets are soundless memories.
The smiles appearing without his permission but appearing nonetheless.
"It's wrong..."
He concentrates deeper within the flashing pictures of Junhyung and him.
The laughs he wish he could suppress but so sincere.
"No, really it's just..."
His heart softening when throwing his gaze at Junhyung, then speeding up when their eyes meet. The constant burning sensation on his cheeks and his back.
And these explanations, didn't they sound as if he was more trying to persuade his own heart than Yoseob ?
"It's just..."
"It's just love, Hyunseung."
So it breaks eventually, catching him in the undertow, Hyunseung feeling like thrown against the "love" cage's bars just like a beanbag. Every sensation has seen its effect multiplied tenfold and it was all coming back to him.
First, he would fake freedom, trying to ignore the prison but he fell hard each time he tried to escape. Denial's grip was way too strong.
Then, he had tried to persuade himself, forbid every single crime which was loving the rapper; He thought for days of shutting down, freezing his feelings but he had seen all his efforts crash as Junhyung appeared or whatever.
He would tear, crush, strangle, burn them if it could make him sane. Oh, really, he would love.
He didn't know at first, ignoring the most obvious thing, becoming as absurd as he thought of his feelings, but his vain attempts renforced the bars.
"Fucking catch 22 situation. "
_________________
So OK. The Prince Jang admitted, he might have fallen for the very wanted rapper.
Yesterday being today's twin, which itself being tomorrow twin, he's relieved -or anxious- that the younger still acts as always with him. He only notices now everything, too much clearly and bright and weirdly comfortable : Soft expressions, funny jokes, gentle smiles, feather touches; the whole sweet attention makes Hyunseung slowly addicted but as this thought echoes against the walls of his brain, a discharge would run through his body and he would suddenly get away from the warm atmosphere between them.
And his being is colder each time he tries to run away, to escape what can't be escaped.
A runaway from things which actually scare him while they shouldn't. In the end he even doesn't know from what, why, where he was running. While wondering all of this, he get himself lost in the unknown, middle of chaos and nowhere.
The cage has become itself a whole labyrinth, with corners, dead ends, characters and monsters, Paranoia monster crawling beneath his skin, making him look over his back, watching from every side. Jealousy monster destroying his inside, blood hot from explosions.
He wished really hard, with all his strength, that he had never fallen into this. But Hyunseung was torn apart by this contradiction : he quickly realized that he would feel even worse without this...
The "love" feeling.
What could he do when his mind was saying "no" while his heart was constantly on the "yes" mode ?
Before, the dancer was convinced Beast was his safety for every problem he once had. He really believed it but it was before Love, with a big L, the one which appears once a human life, crashed on his person. Something he has never expected or looked for in Beast.
But danger flowed in everywhere, threatening, and the only joker he could find was Junhyung's heart, wave-alike: free but unreachable, untouchable as the younger called himself.
So Hyunseung had been forced to play the game, if he could call it a game because if he didn't pass the exit, he knew there would be neither "start again" nor "game over", cursed to stride over the labyrinth until he would reach the end.
The real question was "could he catch the exit ?"
And how was he going to do it ? Weren't there guides, books, experts in love relationship ?
Of course there were, the only problem being that Junhyung was himself the love expert.
"Oh great." Hyunseung thought.
"I obviously can't ask him.
Library could be a good friend in this case. Just like the gossip magazines. And he imagines himself testing all the plans on how to confess and get his bandmate with these twisted girls' ideas.
The vision he has is ridiculous, and he thinks himself stupid as he wonders why he first had the idea of looking for this kind of informations. Yes, you know...Since he's a guy.
_____________
But Hyunseung was losing the game so far. For each step he did, whether he finished injured or he stepped back. And no matter how many cheers up or hugs he received from Doojoon, Gikwang, Yoseob or Dongwoon. Nothing, and especially no one who tried, could heal or even reduce his bleeding wounds.
He didn't think he could get scars without being even touched physically. Whenever Junhyung flirted with girls, came back after midnight with feminine fragrance on his collar shirt, called or was called for a date, claimed he wasn't gay, the stab was sharper in his heart.
Yoseob tried to push away Junhyung from all the sweet actions, even if it was only brotherly, while Gikwang would try to make the other smile, even a little bit. Those didn't work.
Hyunseung knew he should have given up : he tried to force himself, to laugh or even smile for his other bandmates, but it wasn't an exit. Forced to be hurt, forced to look depressed, forced to be that weak, he didn't have the strength or even the might of faking "OKness".
Substitute of drugs, Junhyung was both his whole sorrow and his little happiness, smiling when he was at his side until his next crying, when the same "he" wasn't acknowledging the dancer's situation.
For days, his heart was sharply ripped to be only roughly sewed until it was ripped again.
How many times he wishes he could stop this cruel game, he doesn't remember the count anymore.
Gikwang counted for him though.
Junhyung's back collides against one of their bedroom's walls, Gikwang's hands gripping hard the collar.
The rapper doesn't seem too much surprised.
"What do you want?"
Gikwang, usually cheering and smiling, isn't anymore, as if he's never learnt to do so.
"You do know what it's all about."
"Oh and you're trying to make me feel guilty because you, you can't do anything, right ?"
The shorter doesn't miss the arrogance in Junhyung's gaze.
Clutching his fist tight, he breathes, his voice growing in crescendo :
"You bastard... You're the start of everything! Have you seen what he became because of you? Have you seen his face? Have you heard him crying? We've tried anything to make him feel better but he kept smiling only at your side! And you, you keep playing with his feelings! Are you happy to be the only one he asks? Wasting his tears and his heart? Are you ?!"
No answer. He hates this, when Junhyung doesn't react when such an emergency appears. He shouts.
"I should have done anything to be once at your place!"
"A luck that you aren't at my place so!"
Junhyung's voice shouting back, echoing in the room, the younger freezes. Silence falls a moment.
Gikwang's voice goes quiet this time, his face confused but still distorted in anger.
"What do you mean?"
The rapper doesn't even look at the dancer anymore, avoiding his gaze in irritation and embarrassment.
"Nothing."
He releases the elder, watching the twisted posture of the body in front of him. The body once proud, tall and emitting coolness, now emitted only pitiness, clumsy and messy.
Gikwang always keeps saying that he's actually clever, and he believes it even more now he understands.
"You're pathetic. Since when are you that good that loving him became a shame?"
"It's not that at all."
Fucking arrogance. Gikwang pushes the other again and hold him tightly while shouting for the last time.
"So what is it?"
Minute of reflexion isn't even given to Junhyung to answer that both Doojoon, Dongwoon and Hyunseung enter the place in a rush. And he doesn't know if it's better or not than the previous situation. The leader is abnormally quiet.
"You two, it's enough now."
Gikwang steps back but still glaring at the other. It's just a whisper but Junhyung hears it very clearly. "Whatever your reasons, you better have to do something now."
On those last words, the younger's fist crushes on the other's cheek, exploding his lower lip in blood.
"Junhyung!!"
Dongwoon and Hyunseung rush at the gliding body which reaches a sitting position while Doojoon push a raging Gikwang away with a sigh.
"Dongwoon, bring Gikwang outside and Hyunseung..."
The leader doesn't know if it's good to let both Junhyung and him alone after what this combinaison had provoked the last days, but the insisting gaze of the doe-eyed boy wins.
"Do something for his lip and his face, I have to call Manager Ji-Yong."
Hyunseung's heart is speeding up as he holds Junhyung's head close to his, cleaning the injured lip. The younger pressing some ice against his own cheek, this last notes the tint of red on the other's face.
"Why are you doing this?"
(Why are you keeping loving me ?)
"Because Doojoon told me to."
"You know it wasn't what I mean."
The dancer presses an ice-cube against the soft lip. The action actually makes the rapper's stomach tingle, the tenderness of the elder warming up and awaking the mess he contains, hiding it for weeks now. Oh god why did wrong things always feel so good? Junhyung would love to solve this mystery. But still, these things he wanted, the love he wanted, Hyunseung he wanted. They were all wrong.
"You should stop now."
"Stop what?"
"Loving me."
Junhyuns stares the other with seriousness but this one only smiles without looking, tidying the ice bucket and the Kleenex next to him.
"I don't think I could."
Junhyung leans on, gripping tightly Hyunseung's wrist to make him react. These beautiful shining eyes of his. Oh please don't make it more difficult that it already is, he thinks.
"Did you hear me ? Stop it. You have to."
The dancer sighs, tired. His voice is awfully calm and soft.
"What are you afraid of? I'm not going to say it to anyone or kill your next girlfriend you know? I won't contaminate you either if you're scared of that."
"It's not that at all."
"So what is it?"
Hyunseung doesn't know but Junhyung feels his mind blurring as his sentence recalls him the previous scene with Gikwang. Back pushed against the wooden floor of the bedroom with Junhyung's face above his, the elder doesn't know what actually happens as everything is flipped upside-down.
Fingers are delicately tracing the frame of his face, while others lightly stroking a lock of his silky hair. But Hyunseung, he's more bothered by these eyes. Invading and dark, but yet so soft and intense. The dancer closes his eyes as the back of the other's hand glides from his cheek to his jaw line, Junhyung's warm and light breathe quietly lingering on his lips.
Hyunseung wonders if he's still in the reality. This question didn't even matter honestly. Here's what he's sure about : Strokes and gliding lips on his skin are intoxicating him, whether it's real or not. The heat above his lips coming back, and he's'sure temptation never seemed so close and irresistible : it must be a dream, a beautiful dream. The single dream he didn't need to wake up from.
"Stop it, please. Stop it before I can't stop myself."
And there was no breathing anymore, no heat, no fingers, no eyes, no...nothing else. Nothing but a shadow disappearing by the door, a body melting on its spot, these words of his, confession-alike, endlessly echoing in his heart.
Nothing but a hope.
____________
Then Denial doesn't seem that terrible anymore, when two people were involved, Hyunseung thinks.
It became weirdly beautiful actually. Just like the steps' sounds of them walking together side by side in this nightmare distorting in colorful wonderland.
"No way." Hyunseung once said out loud, frightening Dongwoon in one of his peaceful moments.
Because Life was that real and that unfair. Magnificient landscapes, with little birds singing the spring, the flowers so bright in color that you could spot all of them at first sight ? Bullshit.
Hyunseung felt better though, the others noticed. And Junhyung was strangely acting sweet more often with him and even stopped dating females. All the Beast family knew what was happening. This wasn't something which should be revealed, it would be really really bad for the band. However Doojoon, Yoseob, Gikwang and Dongwoon didn't say anything, because it was better for all of them in the end.
Few months passed like that, nothing really changed well enough to make room for a real paradise.
Or not as important as needed to make this labyrinth look less scary, more attractive and funny at least. Nothing which could turn the game at his advantage happened. Of course it never happens as he imagines it.
From Junhyung, he dreamt of holding his hands, loose arms rounding his waist, intense and soft kisses, mindblowing love-making, sweet confessions with this suave voice which made the dancer melt, laying on a bed with him by his side and growing old together.
From his bandmates, he would love to get cheers, comfort, advices and protection.
From his company, he wanted especially the might of loving the one he needed.
From himself, he wished guts to brave the obstacles facing him.
But it didn't happen.
___________
But Hyunseung cracked up at nights. Crying, sobbing, and even his love's strong arms couldn't do anything about his unstability.
He couldn't stand the fact that he wasn't allowed to love for once he found it. And tearing his heart off his chest would have been a good idea once again but imagining Junhyung with another one was as unbearable.
However Junhyung understood it. And they argued, a real, violent argument like any couple in crisis, but without the sounds of glass breaking because the dorm wasn't their property.
The rapper's voice, once smooth and cool, was shaking and aggressive, while the dancer had proved once again that not only Yoseob had a powerful voice.
That night, Junhyung didn't come back from work and Hyunseung didn't either from the mess he created.
His labyrinth was growling in anger and rage. In Hyunseung's mind, it sounded as if megaphones were placed everywhere, with no stop button, no ears to tear off since brain doesn't have ones. No visible exit anymore.
And the virtual speakers screamed the previous scene, playing again and again the piercing words of his lover. Truth words.
Words, Junhyung's playground, were stabbing his heart, more painful than real knifes which would cut a body.
He was tired, that Hyunseung wanted what was impossible : at the same time wanting to be free from love and wanting the younger for his own self.
Because Hyunseung couldn't trust him, monsters had come back, distorting his feelings and his world again, blinding what was really important and true among hallucinations, illusions and reality. They came back stronger, cleverer, scarier with their sharp teeth devilishly laughing, they attacked the most unstable : the dancer's heart.
Junhyung had screamed it hurt him as well, not being allowed to hold the elder's hand, not being allowed to be himself, not being even allowed to whisper the three most used words in their own songs.
But him, he trusted Hyunseung, he said, shouted. He could handle every little pain because he believed in Hyunseung with all his being.
The lyricist was the key of some rest. A key, a joker that Hyunseung looked for like crazy but didn't trust in the end, cowardly.
He failed : he was too self-centered on his own road that he didn't think of sharing and gathering their strength to step forward. Stubborness won as always for Hyunseung. And he ridiculously fell, dragging the other with him.
It was hard. It hurt. It sounded paradoxical but it truthfully hurt loving someone and being loved in return. As much as being heartbroken, in Hyunseung's mind.
Like a lost little boy with no one to comfort him, tonight he was alone in the dark, exhibited and fragile, he let all his tiredness, his fears, his memories, his dreams liquefy and fall on his pillow, drying his heart of everything but pain.
A good cry enlightens the heart, people said.
Why did it always go wrong with him ?
___________
The day after, the other members are still too shocked to try something. They just talk about it, trying to sum up what's going on, except that Dongwoon forgets the thinness of the walls.
"He cried so hard that my bunk was shaking."
And hearing this from his spot, Hyunseung curls up, giant blanket ball on the bed. He sighs, in an attempt of being discharged of the heavy feeling in his chest but it was gripping his ribs, stuck, glued, and no matter how deep and how many times he breathed, he was still suffocating at the events of the previous day.
Sunk in a memories' bath, he fell asleep once again.
Doojoon and Dongwoon gave the neighbors the lame excuse of two members fighting about a cereal box. Junhyung came back, with a disintered corpse's face but was home at least. Hyunseung did the giant blanket ball all day long. Yoseob and Gikwang stayed quiet for once.
Every place felt empty, lifeless, lightless.
When Hyunseung feels a hand peeling his blanket cocoon in the middle of the night, his body crisps because he knows what is going on and he fears facing the reality again.
But he really missed the sight he has now, even though his heart is on the edge of dropping to his feet. He never imagined saying it one day, he missed this awkwardness as they look at each other. Hyunseung notices the other looks exhausted, as if pain had been amassed for days. But also the softness of his weak smile. They both look full of sorrow, sorry, broken.
But they felt home again. He doesn't know if it's because his eyes, his lips, his hair, his scent but possessiveness and relapse were always cheap when it involved Junhyung; he can't actually say if he doesn't want or couldn't, but Hyunseung doesn't resist anymore.
He grabs the younger's neck between his arms and sobs quietly against his shoulder as this one grabs him tighter against his hard chest. The plump, warm, comfortable lips against the elder's temper, Junhyung makes his fingers travel along the spine to quiet him, his other hand massaging his scalp, ruffling his very soft hair and Hyunseung doesn't think they have been more in love than right now.
"Why does love for you feel as painful and unbearable as it shouldn't be ? It wasn't supposed to work like that."
"Did you love me that much ?"
Junhyung's whisper sounds like a scream to Hyunseung's heart, distinguishing each harmony and waves of the low, deep voice.
A faint giggle breathes against Junhyung's chin. The kind of giggles usually making the younger look at the other with a gaze full of love and affection.
"I don't think I'll ever say "did", not once."
With these own words, the doe-eyed boy doesn't know himself if it's of joy or sorrow, but tears become so easy to be wasted.
In a movie or cheesy novel, they would close the beautiful instant with a kiss, evidence of them being enamored. In a fanfiction, a sex scene would be popular and often used after an couple argument.
But Life isn't indulgent, neither tonight nor the other nights. They're criminals, sinners or whatever. Just the fact of acknowledging their feelings was a crime and they were on the run.
Junhyung gathered each of Hyunseung's glistening teardrops, even those which fell when asleep.
Hyunseung didn't try to kiss his lips, so didn't Junhyung .
They won't try the next days either.
______________
Learning to live in this secluded and painful silence wasn't easy at all.
For someone who never got lovedisease before, Hyunseung's Bad Girl first line "I'm heartsick, heal me" got all its meaning now.
The constant presence of his unofficial boyfriend, the sweet care and reassuring smiles healed him, wounds after wounds, and they learnt to walk peacefully, carefully between the high walls of the love prison. And if they met dead-ends, Junhyung and him would solve them one by one, until reaching the end, slowly, with effort but together. Joker power, Hyunseung thought.
Some days, they would cuddle when no one was there for once, simply watching TV or chatting like any other day, just the closeness added. It changed everything.
Junhyung's head on his knees, he would stroke and play with the short hair falling on his forehead, humming a random ballad, while the younger reading, looked at him softly when Hyunseung took the book away from his view. Silence replacing the melody in his mouth and everything was communicated by eyes. Doe-eyes and Chocolate-Brown-eyes. Junhyung does own an intense gaze, full of charisma but they have never won against the other's.
The rapper blushes and looks away.
"Don't say it."
Hyunseung giggles, stroking his cheeks.
"Say what?"
"Yah! Don't do as if you didn't know."
"I really don't know, tell me what I should say."
Junhyung's eyes widen as he sits up straight to hide his red face. He sulks.
"I'm not losing against you, no."
He finds it really cute actually, when the tough appearance of the cool Joker would break in a million blossoming pieces.
Hyunseung would giggle once again, hugging the younger from behind and brush his lips against his neck whispering "Yong Junhyung, really.." leaving the couch before being busted by the others.
Both of them knew what should be said, but in a same time, they shouldn't. But at this level, they didn't mind anymore.
All the words once created on earth weren't as great as the single feeling they keep covered was, so they agreed they didn't need them.
They knew, they felt, they shared, and it was good enough.
So they touch, smile, joke, try to be as they should show even if it pained of being allowed to so little.
But with that, the cage doesn't look horrible or terrifying anymore, not as much as before. It was surely not perfect but they feel right for the moment.
When dressed up with darkness, hidden, Hyunseung would be hold by Junhyung, perfectly matching as a human puzzle. Hyunseung would let his fingers' tips stroke the younger's thick lips. He would try to memorize every little detail under the touch, and just like a lullaby, they would fall asleep in this peculiar pureness.
_______________
And tomorrow would be the same, the rapper's arms and body in their right place at the dawn, still close to Hyunseung, but already so far. The same distance, the same awkwardness, the hope and the pain, all of these in their right place, waiting for him at the corner, ready to strike and swallow him alive.
But Junhyung promises that, as they won't need to hide anymore, he'll take him far from this coldness and love him as he always wanted to. And Hyunseung believes him eventually, full of wishes and dreams soothing his wounds and cradling him as slowly as Junhyung's arms in which he falls asleep.
It's only a few hours, those nights with sweet darkness holding them tightly, but it's all he needs, to imagine and believe it real; because so far, Hyunseung knows it's just an illusion, an illusion strong enough to make him feel safer than ever. And he wants to believe this does matter, even if deeply, he keeps this secret conviction that they'll be able to love each other one day as free, as strong, as together as Junhyung promised.
So bathing in acknowledgement, his heart sings this is how he is meant to be for now : Loved, protected, in the high hope they'll exit the labyrinth holding hands one beautiful day.
They belong to each other, at least until the sun rises up.