Flyin' High
Ok, so I've never been one to be fond of those people who gush about their significant others all the time. So I hope you'll excuse me for a few minutes whilst I become that which I loathe...sappy.
As most of you know, I've got a new boyfriend. Or something like that...I'm finding the term a little bit lacking; we're not engaged, but he's my best friend and I'm finding myself in a relationship of a sort that I've never been in before. Last week, it occurred to me that you've all heard some of the dumb things he's done, but I want you all to be aware that I posted those things because I also see the humor in them. The vast majority of you have heard me go on about how well things are going with us, so it didn't occur to me that there might be people reading who are unaware of just how good I have it, and why I appreciate him so much.
It's been almost a year since I left my last boyfriend--a guy who, though I thought he genuinely cared about me, cared more for his liquor and beer than for his own well-being, let alone me and mine. I consistently ended up in the aftermath of this; it was me who had to deal with his anger when he came home and clean up the mess when things got broken. He broke more than just material things, too. He hurt me physically and emotionally, and finally, last August, I was in a position to leave all that behind me...or so I thought.
When I started seeing Justin, I was in no way, shape or form ready for another relationship. Though I thought I was, the minute I considered caring about him, I found myself backing up both mentally and emotionally. Eventually, I had to face the fact that I wasn't as strong as I thought I was, and that my ex had really and truly hurt me to the point where I was just plain scared it would happen all over again. So I did what I had to do...I told Justin exactly how I felt and how scared I was, and that as much as I cared about him, I was still afraid. I explained that he needed to get away from this relationship, and he needed to do it right that second. I practically begged him to just walk away, to just give up so that he wouldn't be treated unfairly and end up getting hurt in the end. I remember saying those words, and how my throat tightened up just trying to get them out, and how I held my breath waiting for him to say something. I waited for him to put on his shoes and leave; I was waiting for him to give in and give me what I said I wanted.
But he didn't.
He told me he wasn't going anywhere and that he didn't like it, but he understood. And the thing of it is...he really did understand. The problem I now faced was one I didn't know how to deal with: here was this young man whom I cared so much about, willing to deal with me and all my issues, and I wasn't sure I was ever going to be able to trust him, through no fault of his own. So I did what I always do when I have a major life problem: I called my mom. And for once, I actually got the advice I needed from her. Funny how a person is more willing to listen when they haven't got any ideas of their own or what they want to hear.
She told me that she prays for me. And she prays that I will find a decent man to love me for the rest of my life. She also said that she knows Justin cares about me more than anyone ever has (aside from her and my dad), and his attitude is genuine and respectful. "There's someone out there for you, Kim...and if it's not Justin then it's someone very similar to him." She said that when I found him, I would let my guard down, because I wouldn't have a choice in the matter. While I always recognized the fact that I was afraid of being hurt again, my mom's words really made me stop and think about Justin and my relationship with him. He has done nothing but try to make me happy since day one, even through various misunderstandings and conflicts of interest. He's never laid an angry hand on me and I don't think he could bring himself to do it even in a state of absolute rage. He's not Jeff, and I'm not scared anymore.
Let me tell you what he is:
Justin is the most caring, helpful person I've ever met in my entire life. He works two jobs just to be able to pay his bills and still be able to take me out to dinner sometimes. He's smart, and he's funny in a "That's so Justin" kind of a way. (It's sort of a cheesy but intelligent wit; I had to learn to love it, but now I don't know where I'd be without it.) He's interested in a variety of things, and he's willing to try new things as well...he actually went to Wee's senior recital with me, and if he didn't want to go, he certainly did a wonderful job feigning interest. He's creative and meticulous in nearly everything he does, and I dare say for the most part, we really are just meant for each other. There are two sides to us-- the first side is when we're a team, working together to accomplish a goal (like making our relationship work). The other side is when one of us plays sidekick, helping the other one accomplish his or her own personal goal (like when he worked in the kitchen at my church's chicken barbecue, or when I helped him (his family) clean his grandmother's house). It's either peanut butter and jelly or fire and rain, and it seems to be working. On top of all this, we have fun together. We make plans, and we do things on a whim; sometimes the plans change or the whim becomes organized, but everything's ok however it works out. Justin's my best friend, and I love him.
Is he everything I ever imagined my true love would be? No. Is he everything I've ever wanted? Not even close...
He's so much more than that.