Dinner For One, Part Thirty-Two
“There is no remedy for love but to love more.” -Henry David Thoreau
“Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.” -Thomas Fuller
In just a while I’ll be over at my in-laws’ place for the New Years’ celebration. I’ve rung in the New Year with them every year for a very long time now, since before Bonnie and I were married, actually. It’s a tradition, a little part of life that is comfortable and familiar, even without Bonnie there. I miss her, of course. Always and constantly. And especially through the holidays for all the reasons I’ve discussed here before. But my in-laws are family just the same and I love them, too. As with most of the people in my life, they might easily forget that from time to time-I’ve never been overly communicative-but I love them. And so I’ll ring in the New Year with them and say goodbye to the old year.
Thanks to Facebook and Twitter and a dozen other different sites designed to let us communicate, I have already seen a trend this time around that I normally see. The difference is, this time I think either it’s more prevalent or I’m just contemplative enough to notice: There are a lot of people who are truly pissed at the passing year. I mean the freaking HATED it. Were they all in a room together instead of crossing paths over the internet, I can’t help but envision a large gathering of scarred, bitter veterans of any war in history (Pick your personal favorite for visual assistance, kiddies) muttering their condemnations to an enemy they’ve just barely survived a long, drawn out campaign against. I’m not sure if the last year (THE ENEMY) in this case is a huge swarm of recently murdered enemy soldiers or an enormous bestial giant that’s still twitching in the final death throws. Either way, I’m getting the impression it was a bitter conflict at best.
Me? It wasn’t my best year, maybe, but it also wasn’t my worst. Like I’ve said before: Four new novels in print, a few reprints lined up and ready to go, a roof over my head and food in my-sadly still too ponderous-belly. I’ve said my final goodbyes to several friends-most of them waterfowl, granted, but the goodbyes are still legitimate for me-and I’ve watched a few others say their goodbyes to loved ones. I’ve also made a few new friends and got to meet the newborn daughter of a dear friend and watch that sweet child smile. I’ve not lost a zillion pounds, but I’m still exercising and still plugging away. I’m employed and I am still making money at my preferred career, which, again, isn’t a bad thing for me. I’ve had Hollywood nibbles that might become something (not holding my breath, but, hey, you never know, right?) and have a meeting I’ll be setting up soon to discuss a few more possibilities along those lines.
I’ve listened to people rail against the current government, listened to them rail against the previous administration and in a few cases even nodded along in agreement. I’ve discussed politics, life, death, religion, the economy, the rising cost of gasoline and the potential progress toward new energy sources. I’ve talked about books, music, movies, writing, reading, the outrageous cost of healthcare versus the preposterous cost of insurance and which route is better (I’ll stick with insurance, thanks. I’m nowhere near rich enough to go without it), I’ve paid bills, cursed at the cost of a few of them, and continued to pay them because I consider some of them necessities and others a luxury or two I would rather not do without. I’ve watched relationships rise, relationships falter, a few of them fall and a few of them shatter. I’ve discussed friends absent and present and shaken my head in confusion at the actions of a few of them. I’ve done my fair share of making snide comments about a few people and I’m working on knocking that crap off because it’s rude and I certainly don’t like when people do it to me (I’ve never once claimed to be a saint, folks, but I’m aiming at being a decent human being.). I’ve tried to be there for loved ones when they needed me, and I’ve made a point of remembering when they’ve been there for me, not just recently but in the past as well, because I think keeping perspective requires an examination of the past as well as the present and what might lie ahead.
I have, in other words, continued to exist. I have continued to breathe.
Three novels written (one co-authored with a friend of mine) three novels sold. A series proposal written and set aside. A few short stories finished and published or waiting for publication, a couple of novellas. Not my best year as a writer, not my worst. More on the horizon, of course because as I’ve said before writers have to write and professional writers have to sell the stuff they write. It’s very possible that the next year will see me writing a screenplay and actually getting paid for it. That’s being discussed. Lots of fires and lots of irons and hopefully I won’t burn myself somewhere along the way.
And contemplations. Lots and lots of contemplations. I am no philosopher, but I’m getting rather good at contemplating the universe at large.
One of my semi-regulars at work came in this last week and asked how I was doing-with that particular tilt of the head and tone of voice that politely checks how I’m doing since Bonnie passed-and I said I was as well as could be expected. And after a moment of quiet reflection the customer leaned in and said, “Are you seeing anyone seriously yet?”
I try to be truthful. I answered with a negative and the customer frowned for a moment before adding, “I figured for sure you’d have found someone by now.” I left it at that and wished the customer a Merry Christmas. I did not point out that I was unaware there was a schedule, because that wasn't what the person meant at all and I understood that. There are people out there who would have moved on by now, and I get that, but as I’ve said before and as Howling Wolf said before me, I’m built for comfort, not for speed. I can’t make myself hurry. I’d rather be alone than be with the wrong person.
In the meantime, I’m alive. I’m making the best of it that I can, and I’m moving forward even if there isn’t much momentum on the personal relationship front at the current time. And some days I even manage to go the whole day without having to remind myself to breathe. And occasionally I can go a whole day without wanting to cry or scream.
But always I miss Bonnie. Always I love her.
If the last year was not to your liking, or even if it was, I hope the New Year brings you joy, prosperity and good health. May you have endless reasons to smile and may your tears be the happy kind.
I’m off to see my in-laws.
It is what it is.
“Absence sharpens love, presence strengthens it.” -Thomas Fuller
In just a while I’ll be over at my in-laws’ place for the New Years’ celebration. I’ve rung in the New Year with them every year for a very long time now, since before Bonnie and I were married, actually. It’s a tradition, a little part of life that is comfortable and familiar, even without Bonnie there. I miss her, of course. Always and constantly. And especially through the holidays for all the reasons I’ve discussed here before. But my in-laws are family just the same and I love them, too. As with most of the people in my life, they might easily forget that from time to time-I’ve never been overly communicative-but I love them. And so I’ll ring in the New Year with them and say goodbye to the old year.
Thanks to Facebook and Twitter and a dozen other different sites designed to let us communicate, I have already seen a trend this time around that I normally see. The difference is, this time I think either it’s more prevalent or I’m just contemplative enough to notice: There are a lot of people who are truly pissed at the passing year. I mean the freaking HATED it. Were they all in a room together instead of crossing paths over the internet, I can’t help but envision a large gathering of scarred, bitter veterans of any war in history (Pick your personal favorite for visual assistance, kiddies) muttering their condemnations to an enemy they’ve just barely survived a long, drawn out campaign against. I’m not sure if the last year (THE ENEMY) in this case is a huge swarm of recently murdered enemy soldiers or an enormous bestial giant that’s still twitching in the final death throws. Either way, I’m getting the impression it was a bitter conflict at best.
Me? It wasn’t my best year, maybe, but it also wasn’t my worst. Like I’ve said before: Four new novels in print, a few reprints lined up and ready to go, a roof over my head and food in my-sadly still too ponderous-belly. I’ve said my final goodbyes to several friends-most of them waterfowl, granted, but the goodbyes are still legitimate for me-and I’ve watched a few others say their goodbyes to loved ones. I’ve also made a few new friends and got to meet the newborn daughter of a dear friend and watch that sweet child smile. I’ve not lost a zillion pounds, but I’m still exercising and still plugging away. I’m employed and I am still making money at my preferred career, which, again, isn’t a bad thing for me. I’ve had Hollywood nibbles that might become something (not holding my breath, but, hey, you never know, right?) and have a meeting I’ll be setting up soon to discuss a few more possibilities along those lines.
I’ve listened to people rail against the current government, listened to them rail against the previous administration and in a few cases even nodded along in agreement. I’ve discussed politics, life, death, religion, the economy, the rising cost of gasoline and the potential progress toward new energy sources. I’ve talked about books, music, movies, writing, reading, the outrageous cost of healthcare versus the preposterous cost of insurance and which route is better (I’ll stick with insurance, thanks. I’m nowhere near rich enough to go without it), I’ve paid bills, cursed at the cost of a few of them, and continued to pay them because I consider some of them necessities and others a luxury or two I would rather not do without. I’ve watched relationships rise, relationships falter, a few of them fall and a few of them shatter. I’ve discussed friends absent and present and shaken my head in confusion at the actions of a few of them. I’ve done my fair share of making snide comments about a few people and I’m working on knocking that crap off because it’s rude and I certainly don’t like when people do it to me (I’ve never once claimed to be a saint, folks, but I’m aiming at being a decent human being.). I’ve tried to be there for loved ones when they needed me, and I’ve made a point of remembering when they’ve been there for me, not just recently but in the past as well, because I think keeping perspective requires an examination of the past as well as the present and what might lie ahead.
I have, in other words, continued to exist. I have continued to breathe.
Three novels written (one co-authored with a friend of mine) three novels sold. A series proposal written and set aside. A few short stories finished and published or waiting for publication, a couple of novellas. Not my best year as a writer, not my worst. More on the horizon, of course because as I’ve said before writers have to write and professional writers have to sell the stuff they write. It’s very possible that the next year will see me writing a screenplay and actually getting paid for it. That’s being discussed. Lots of fires and lots of irons and hopefully I won’t burn myself somewhere along the way.
And contemplations. Lots and lots of contemplations. I am no philosopher, but I’m getting rather good at contemplating the universe at large.
One of my semi-regulars at work came in this last week and asked how I was doing-with that particular tilt of the head and tone of voice that politely checks how I’m doing since Bonnie passed-and I said I was as well as could be expected. And after a moment of quiet reflection the customer leaned in and said, “Are you seeing anyone seriously yet?”
I try to be truthful. I answered with a negative and the customer frowned for a moment before adding, “I figured for sure you’d have found someone by now.” I left it at that and wished the customer a Merry Christmas. I did not point out that I was unaware there was a schedule, because that wasn't what the person meant at all and I understood that. There are people out there who would have moved on by now, and I get that, but as I’ve said before and as Howling Wolf said before me, I’m built for comfort, not for speed. I can’t make myself hurry. I’d rather be alone than be with the wrong person.
In the meantime, I’m alive. I’m making the best of it that I can, and I’m moving forward even if there isn’t much momentum on the personal relationship front at the current time. And some days I even manage to go the whole day without having to remind myself to breathe. And occasionally I can go a whole day without wanting to cry or scream.
But always I miss Bonnie. Always I love her.
If the last year was not to your liking, or even if it was, I hope the New Year brings you joy, prosperity and good health. May you have endless reasons to smile and may your tears be the happy kind.
I’m off to see my in-laws.
It is what it is.