Rest In Peace Ryanne Mace 2/14/08
This is going to be a very emotional journal entry and chances are I might update again in a couple days to reflect on this again. I learned about today's events at NIU prob around 3:30-3:45. From that moment on I called every friend whose number I had at NIU to make sure they were ok. David Bethke was the first to respond back to me and I was worried about the rest, I was worried especially about Amy, Megan and Ryanne. I stayed glued to the TV and computer screen, watching the story unfold as news stuck of a gunman attacking students at NIU during a lesson. I wasn't sure who was there but I stuck to the news to the last minute. I was constantly calling and texting my friends to know they were ok. I even called Ryanne's parents before going to dinner to see if they had heard anything, they had not. Still not hearing anything, I went to dinner at 5 but kept my phone glued to me. It was at dinner that I got a frantic crying phone call from Ryanne's mom asking if I have heard from Ryanne or know of anyone else hearing from her. It was then that I learned that Ryanne was in that fateful class that day at NIU. They couldn't track her down and I promised the minute I found out I'd call and let her know. During dinner, I was rather jumpy and jittery, I received a phone call from Amy. She was ok but hadn't heard from Ryanne either so she planned on going to the hospital and saying she was her sister and trying to find out more information.
With this going on I knew I couldn't go to my night class, so I went to the professor and told him what was up and he was more then alright with letting me go. So I returned to the Chi house and once again stayed glued to the computer as I let my friends play Rock Band, I needed the company. All this while I was in constant contact with Alex G, Amy, Nancy, and Kathy. I finally got a phone call from Megan and ran out of the room filled with my friends and talked with Megan. I was so glad to hear she was ok. Megan is an RA at NIU and she didn't even know exactly everything so I had to break the news to her. I spent the rest of my night wondering, and once again in constant contact, wondering, hoping and praying that Ryanne was ok. I knew I had to get some sleep so I took some cold medicine to hopefully put me to sleep.
At 1:17am on February 15th I received a phone call from Amy telling me that Ryanne didn’t make it. I didn’t know what to say, I began to cry and then we began discussing how we would tell everyone else. I called my mom right away and told her what happened and then called Megan. All this hurt so fucking much, I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to feel something other then despair but I had to be a rock, I had to be strong and help everyone else. Telling each person on the phone was so difficult. I was trying to be strong but still I couldn’t help but cry. I don’t like people seeing me at moments of weakness but I did reach out for help.
After calling everyone, I went upstairs as I was crying and just went to Lathrop. I need to talk to someone I needed to let it all out and that’s what he let me do. It then crossed my mind to go for a walk and cool down. As I returned to my room, the President of my frat, Kyle came to check up on me, both him and Lathrop offered to drive me home right then but I said no, I had to be here, I had to be here for the service in the Peace Garden. I really felt loved at that moment, that I really did matter in this house, this brotherhood.
So I went for a walk, and even stopped to talk for awhile with Erin TK, I think that helped, just talking it out more. Since that phone call I have gone through a range of emotions, but there have been far to many to describe. Several times I would go from just balling my eyes out to normal, as I am somewhat now. Once again I return to a rock, I need to be a rock and be there for my friends, just like Ryanne was always a rock for me. Thank You everyone for your love, support, and prayers. Thank You Ryanne, for everything you have done. Thank You for touching our lives. I feel truly blessed to know that you consider me your friend. I have and will always love you.
4:35 am 2/15/08
With this going on I knew I couldn't go to my night class, so I went to the professor and told him what was up and he was more then alright with letting me go. So I returned to the Chi house and once again stayed glued to the computer as I let my friends play Rock Band, I needed the company. All this while I was in constant contact with Alex G, Amy, Nancy, and Kathy. I finally got a phone call from Megan and ran out of the room filled with my friends and talked with Megan. I was so glad to hear she was ok. Megan is an RA at NIU and she didn't even know exactly everything so I had to break the news to her. I spent the rest of my night wondering, and once again in constant contact, wondering, hoping and praying that Ryanne was ok. I knew I had to get some sleep so I took some cold medicine to hopefully put me to sleep.
At 1:17am on February 15th I received a phone call from Amy telling me that Ryanne didn’t make it. I didn’t know what to say, I began to cry and then we began discussing how we would tell everyone else. I called my mom right away and told her what happened and then called Megan. All this hurt so fucking much, I wanted to scream, I wanted to cry, I wanted to feel something other then despair but I had to be a rock, I had to be strong and help everyone else. Telling each person on the phone was so difficult. I was trying to be strong but still I couldn’t help but cry. I don’t like people seeing me at moments of weakness but I did reach out for help.
After calling everyone, I went upstairs as I was crying and just went to Lathrop. I need to talk to someone I needed to let it all out and that’s what he let me do. It then crossed my mind to go for a walk and cool down. As I returned to my room, the President of my frat, Kyle came to check up on me, both him and Lathrop offered to drive me home right then but I said no, I had to be here, I had to be here for the service in the Peace Garden. I really felt loved at that moment, that I really did matter in this house, this brotherhood.
So I went for a walk, and even stopped to talk for awhile with Erin TK, I think that helped, just talking it out more. Since that phone call I have gone through a range of emotions, but there have been far to many to describe. Several times I would go from just balling my eyes out to normal, as I am somewhat now. Once again I return to a rock, I need to be a rock and be there for my friends, just like Ryanne was always a rock for me. Thank You everyone for your love, support, and prayers. Thank You Ryanne, for everything you have done. Thank You for touching our lives. I feel truly blessed to know that you consider me your friend. I have and will always love you.
4:35 am 2/15/08