(no subject)
as i retell the story, i see all the times we should of just bit out tongues and went with it. the times were i should of just called you and told you how i felt, how i thought you wouldn't care anyways. the times were i missed you so badly but wouldn't dare actually tell you. you know the vulnerable me. the me that doesnt care, that lets you take advantage of me. that lets you get the best of me, you dont truely know me, although i like to say you do. i feel as though you do know me thourgh and through. but maybe thats because i'm to scared to open up, and tell you the true me. im to scared because i dont want to be rejected. the fear of rejection gets me everytime. the fear that if i tell you the truth i will get made fun of, that youll just push me aside. you push me aside anyways, why should i fear that then? i fear it, for no real particular reason it seems. he knows that i will always be there for him, but when he doesnt want me to he knows he can just push me aside and ill wait for him. i shouldnt wait for him. but yet theres no one i can move onto. no one that seems to mesure up to him. i compare him to everyone. this just brings me back to my will power. my power to stop this. to let go of the apst and move on. i tink about evrything and how i want to be back there and change one thing, but i wouldn't be the way i am today if it wasn't for all those things. but yet i still want to go back. go back so i can have his attention for just a little while. his undivided attention, so we could just sit there adn talk. to be just one of the guys and listen to there stupid stories and beable to make those stupid jokes without anyone looking at me like i was crazy or to say ew. those days were it didnt matter what i was wearing. to play guns one more time. and see look im back with the whole past thing. i need the will power to let go, to be able to get over i wont be back there, there all just sweet memories... bitter sweet at that.