Big blue dot in a bright red state
Our ballot-measure education-pamphlet thingies arrived in the mail a couple of days ago and I've been working through mine and making notes cause that's the kind of geek I am. The paid "Arguments in Favor" for Measure 43, our parental-notification law, were predictably intense and full of unintentionally hilarious signatures like "Uninformed Parent of Teen Abortion" (I defy you to parse that literally). Then I got to this one, which is best read aloud with the fake gravity found in televised political ads.
LIFE IS SACRED!
At the moment of fertilization, cells begin to divide and multiply. Every cell contains our DNA-- three billion pieces of genetic information. Every cell is sacred!
The 80 trillion cells in our body are dividing and multiplying all the time. And tragically, some cells die and are replaced. Why, God kills off several hundred billion of your red blood cells every day! But "Thou shalt not kill." Only God may kill your cells.
Every cell is sacred--sperm, egg, embryo, fetus, heart, hair, fingernail. Jesus said, "Even the hairs of your head are all numbered" (Matthew 10:30). Every cell is God's holy creation.
Although the Bible clearly indicates that the cells of the fetus have no soul separate from its mother (see previous argument), abortion nonetheless murders precious living cells.
According to Leviticus, a menstruating woman is unclean. She has wasted an unborn egg that could become a human life. The law should required parental notification of impending unborn uncleanliness.
Every act of masturbation kills up to 500 million unborn lives. Every sperm is sacred! Just like abortion, masturbation murders soulless cells. There should be parental notification prior to masturbation.
According to the Bible, beard shaving (Leviticus 19:27) is every bit as immoral as homosexuality! Just like abortion scrapes away life in the uterus, shaving violently scrapes away and murders millions of living skin cells. Barbershops should be required to give parental notification before committing shaving sin.
Did you know that slaughtering a sacred appendix causes it to feel pain?
The Bible says that children who fail to honor their parents should be stoned to death (Exodus 21:17). Implementing biblical law as Oregon public policy could effectively eliminate teenage abortion, appendectomy, shaving, and sperm-murder.
Every cell is sacred. Every cell--from soulless fetus to fingernail--is a precious life that must not be killed.
VOTE YES TO STOP THE SLAUGHTER
OF THE
HOLY HANGNAILS!
(This information furnished by M. Dennis Moore, Traditional Prejudices Coalition.)
Is this going to change anyone's mind? Not at all. Am I glad it got past the elections authority? Totally. (And yes, Oregon's technically a blue state; you can thank Portland's population boom for that.)
"M. Dennis Moore," by the way, is a repeat offender: here he is on the 2004 state defense of marriage amendment, representing the Beaver State Defense Of Beaver Coalition *snerk*.
LIFE IS SACRED!
At the moment of fertilization, cells begin to divide and multiply. Every cell contains our DNA-- three billion pieces of genetic information. Every cell is sacred!
The 80 trillion cells in our body are dividing and multiplying all the time. And tragically, some cells die and are replaced. Why, God kills off several hundred billion of your red blood cells every day! But "Thou shalt not kill." Only God may kill your cells.
Every cell is sacred--sperm, egg, embryo, fetus, heart, hair, fingernail. Jesus said, "Even the hairs of your head are all numbered" (Matthew 10:30). Every cell is God's holy creation.
Although the Bible clearly indicates that the cells of the fetus have no soul separate from its mother (see previous argument), abortion nonetheless murders precious living cells.
According to Leviticus, a menstruating woman is unclean. She has wasted an unborn egg that could become a human life. The law should required parental notification of impending unborn uncleanliness.
Every act of masturbation kills up to 500 million unborn lives. Every sperm is sacred! Just like abortion, masturbation murders soulless cells. There should be parental notification prior to masturbation.
According to the Bible, beard shaving (Leviticus 19:27) is every bit as immoral as homosexuality! Just like abortion scrapes away life in the uterus, shaving violently scrapes away and murders millions of living skin cells. Barbershops should be required to give parental notification before committing shaving sin.
Did you know that slaughtering a sacred appendix causes it to feel pain?
The Bible says that children who fail to honor their parents should be stoned to death (Exodus 21:17). Implementing biblical law as Oregon public policy could effectively eliminate teenage abortion, appendectomy, shaving, and sperm-murder.
Every cell is sacred. Every cell--from soulless fetus to fingernail--is a precious life that must not be killed.
VOTE YES TO STOP THE SLAUGHTER
OF THE
HOLY HANGNAILS!
(This information furnished by M. Dennis Moore, Traditional Prejudices Coalition.)
Is this going to change anyone's mind? Not at all. Am I glad it got past the elections authority? Totally. (And yes, Oregon's technically a blue state; you can thank Portland's population boom for that.)
"M. Dennis Moore," by the way, is a repeat offender: here he is on the 2004 state defense of marriage amendment, representing the Beaver State Defense Of Beaver Coalition *snerk*.