Sam explains one of his perceptions of beauty and peace (****)
"I woke up this mornin' with the sundown shinin' in
I found my mind in a brown paper bag within
I tripped on a cloud and fell-a eight miles high
I tore my mind on a jagged sky
I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in"
I was miserable this morning. Miserable, angry, hateful. The night before I gave my apologies to someone for being inconsiderate, yet here I was fuming about the lack of tact the other party had. There is no excuse for bad manners. I was sorry for being intrusive, but I still wanted my own damn apology, as ashamed as I am to admit it.
I hold grudges, but I never follow through with them. You'd think I'd just forget about them and move on, and eventually I do...the problem is, because my scores aren't settled, any time someone genuinely hurts or pisses me off, all these grudges, these past offenses come back at the forefront, and I get overblown over what wouldn't had bugged me very much at all if I had a clean slate with said offender, e.g. (Them)"You're too angry Sam." (Me)"GAH YOU LEFT ME AT THE ALTAR!!!!"
It can be a real problem sometimes. I'd be mad at the person from hours to days, and by the time I'm ready to talk to them normally again, they forget what made me mad in the first place, or they just never really cared, and then the whole thing usually starts again. And you know what breaks the cycle? I forgive them by thinking they can't possibly understand what made me mad in the first place, because they're just ill-equipped for it. I think to myself, "Oh, s/he/it's just a jerk because can't control his/her/its emotions, and he/she/it is too insecure to admit it. If only his/her/its grandmother didn't beat him/her/it with his/her/its own dead dog over his/her/its parents' grave for the slightest disobedience. Poor him/her/it. Pooooor him/her/it :(." Yes, I look down on them, but in a seemingly positive, yet very passive-aggressive manner, which I think is pretty evil and petty. :-/
...On my drive to work, I put on Anekdoten's Nucleus. It's one of my all-time favorite albums: I took a leaden stroll down the beach in San Francisco one gray afternoon. The mist and wind were constantly brushing my face, and the sky was blank as canvas, so all I could really do was squint my eyes downward on the sand. Anyone I walked by had someone near them, friend, family, or lover, to keep them warm. But as I listened to the album through my earphones, I sat down, and took in all the cold, wet air...the sound of the waves in the background of the music...the distance I had from everyone else there, no matter how closely they passed by me. With all those around me, I found peace in being alone, to take in what was being offered to me, even if all there were around me had been cold, gray, and bleak. I know I wouldn't want to stay like that forever, or for even a few hours, but I nevertheless felt peace. All of the music in Nucleus, no matter how soft or dissonant it is, is able to remind me of that time.
My mood changed more and more as the day went by...after lunch I was back to my old cautiously cheery self. Any grudge I have, at least for this moment...is not worth keeping. As caustic as I may be, for now, just now...I can think of happiness in my life. Of friends and family, music, dreams...life itself. I don't know when I ever appeared grateful for anything, but I'm expressing it now....preferably before I go back to grumbling, and writing angrier things tomorrow.
I found my mind in a brown paper bag within
I tripped on a cloud and fell-a eight miles high
I tore my mind on a jagged sky
I just dropped in to see what condition my condition was in"
I was miserable this morning. Miserable, angry, hateful. The night before I gave my apologies to someone for being inconsiderate, yet here I was fuming about the lack of tact the other party had. There is no excuse for bad manners. I was sorry for being intrusive, but I still wanted my own damn apology, as ashamed as I am to admit it.
I hold grudges, but I never follow through with them. You'd think I'd just forget about them and move on, and eventually I do...the problem is, because my scores aren't settled, any time someone genuinely hurts or pisses me off, all these grudges, these past offenses come back at the forefront, and I get overblown over what wouldn't had bugged me very much at all if I had a clean slate with said offender, e.g. (Them)"You're too angry Sam." (Me)"GAH YOU LEFT ME AT THE ALTAR!!!!"
It can be a real problem sometimes. I'd be mad at the person from hours to days, and by the time I'm ready to talk to them normally again, they forget what made me mad in the first place, or they just never really cared, and then the whole thing usually starts again. And you know what breaks the cycle? I forgive them by thinking they can't possibly understand what made me mad in the first place, because they're just ill-equipped for it. I think to myself, "Oh, s/he/it's just a jerk because can't control his/her/its emotions, and he/she/it is too insecure to admit it. If only his/her/its grandmother didn't beat him/her/it with his/her/its own dead dog over his/her/its parents' grave for the slightest disobedience. Poor him/her/it. Pooooor him/her/it :(." Yes, I look down on them, but in a seemingly positive, yet very passive-aggressive manner, which I think is pretty evil and petty. :-/
...On my drive to work, I put on Anekdoten's Nucleus. It's one of my all-time favorite albums: I took a leaden stroll down the beach in San Francisco one gray afternoon. The mist and wind were constantly brushing my face, and the sky was blank as canvas, so all I could really do was squint my eyes downward on the sand. Anyone I walked by had someone near them, friend, family, or lover, to keep them warm. But as I listened to the album through my earphones, I sat down, and took in all the cold, wet air...the sound of the waves in the background of the music...the distance I had from everyone else there, no matter how closely they passed by me. With all those around me, I found peace in being alone, to take in what was being offered to me, even if all there were around me had been cold, gray, and bleak. I know I wouldn't want to stay like that forever, or for even a few hours, but I nevertheless felt peace. All of the music in Nucleus, no matter how soft or dissonant it is, is able to remind me of that time.
My mood changed more and more as the day went by...after lunch I was back to my old cautiously cheery self. Any grudge I have, at least for this moment...is not worth keeping. As caustic as I may be, for now, just now...I can think of happiness in my life. Of friends and family, music, dreams...life itself. I don't know when I ever appeared grateful for anything, but I'm expressing it now....preferably before I go back to grumbling, and writing angrier things tomorrow.