‘Hyung...I’m sorry...’
Title : ‘Hyung...I’m sorry...’
Pairing : Yewon, Kyusung
Rating : PG-13
Genre : Angst, drama
A/N : this is the sequel of Andante you don't have to read it but if you wanna know who is 'You' and 'He' or find out which is 'yewon' or 'kyusung' then you should read Andante first ^^ And this sequel is inspired by this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wdGZBRAwW74&ob=av2e and I'm truly sorry if this is confusing >_<
Sitting alone in the kitchen, I clutch my cup of coffee for this morning. I know it’s hot but I guess this is the only warmth that keeps my sanity intact for me being so badly insane this past year.
It’s been a year. A one long year. And I’m still here, succumbing in my own despair and loneliness. Though I’m not lonely in the reality but noone can fill the empty spot in my heart. I have him. But his present never can ever be compared to yours.
I turn my head swiftly and watch my slightly ajar bedroom door. He is there, sleeping soundly. I feel bad for him, like a criminal. I use his heart, use his present, I even use his body. I grip my hairs and start to pull it. This is so wrong, totally wrong. I shouldn’t have done this. All this 6 months with him feels like a 6 torturous months for both of us, me and him. I hurt myself and I know I hurt him the most in the process. He’s willingly sacrificing himself to make me better but what have I done? I keep on staying on my own hole and start to drag him along...
Till when am I going to be like this?
I watch my cup of coffee that has turned cold. Now my source of warmth has gone too. I sigh and just watch my own reflection on it. Suddenly, I hear knocks in the door. It’s still 8 in the morning, wonder who the guess is. Lazily I drag my feet to the front door while yelling I’m coming. Grab the door knob, I open the door. Oh my God, this can’t be true.
The face behind the door is shocking me to the most. I feel like my eyes bulging out from the sockets. I feel like my mind is deceiving me or something.
It’s you...
Is this really you? It can’t be. I mean after all this year. But the figure that standing so gracefully in front of me is definitely yours.
‘Hi, Hyung....’
This voice... It is really you... I just stand there dumbfounded. Lots of words swirling inside my head. I just stare and stare when finally you break my chain of thought....
‘Hyung, can I come in?’
We sit in my living room awkwardly. I don’t know what to say and it seems like neither do you. Though actually there is so many things that I want to say. But my mouth decided to lock all the words inside. I watch your face carefully. Once our eyes meet, I hurriedly look down to my lap. Afraid that you will know I’m scrutinizing your face. But you know it because you throw that gentle smile of yours. A smile that you always gave me everytime you saw me nervous or worried. Years of living together has made you understand me very well. You can read me like an opened book. So I’m not surprised you can register the nervous feeling that pasted in my face.
‘How have you been, Hyung?’
I think I don’t have to answer your question. I’ve turned into a pathetic person this year. You can see it through my wrecked body. I’m empty without your present. I’m lifeless without your warmth. The worst, I’m nothing without your love. Without me voicing it out you see it right through my eyes. I hate it because you can see my vulnerable state so easily, effortless even.
‘Hyung, I’m sorry...’
God, no more for these words. I had enough of those words. I don’t want to hear it again. Is it so hard for you to stop saying it? It’s not your fault. It’s mine. All mine. I can’t be someone who is worth enough for you, that’s why.
‘I’m sorry, Hyung, but this is the best for us...’
The best for us? How could you say that? Can’t you see I’m suffering here? It’s only the best for you I guess. You look so mightily fine while I look like a shit. How could you be so unaffected? Part of me wishing that you are living well and happily. But I can’t deny that part of me wishing you are as miserable as me. It’s not that I’m selfish or cruel. I’m just hoping that you still feel the same as me. But I’m wrong. Seeing you this great means that you’re really fine without me. Or maybe you didn’t even love me from the start. You don’t love me, not now and not even some years ago. Now I realize that your decision 1 year ago was correct.
‘I came here to give you this.’
You give me a card. An invitation. Is this a wedding card? There’s your name printed on it. But it’s not my name that’s signed beside yours, it’s a girl name that I don’t ever hear before. What the hell is this?
‘Hyung.... I’m going to get married..’
Widening my eyes, I feel electricity shocking my whole nerves. As if the world collapses beneath my feet. Mixed of emotions playing inside my heart. What kind of news of this? I’m gripping the card tightly like my life depends on it.
An urge of anger bubbling up in me, surfacing through my hands that’s resulting my tiny fingers tear off the paper apart. I don’t care about your facial expression watching me crushing the white card. I could care about it less. All my attention is focused on the damaging that cursing invitation.
I stand up abruptly and throw the small pieces of paper to your face. I’m yelling. How come I’m not yelling after you gave me this card? What are you expecting? Me accepting it wholeheartedly and wishing you a great happy marriage? I must be insane if I ever do that.
You know I still love you. I know you do. Then why are you doing this? Can you read my eyes that I’m still waiting for your comeback and hoping that we could be together again? I’m shaking your shoulders harshly. Why can’t you understand it? Why??
I drop my knees on the floor. Unconsciously, my hands find their place on your knees. I’m begging you. Forget my pride. I’ll throw my pride as far as I can if that means I’ll get you back. If that means I’ll have you right by my side then I’ll do anything that I can. I beg you, please don’t do this to me. You know I don’t want this then why you keep on torturing me?
Crystal clear of tears falls down shamelessly on my pale cheeks. I can’t control my sobs. I need this sobbing just to show you how much I still love you, down to the core of my heart.
My yelling and sobbing seem like went pass through my bedroom because now he breaks our little world with his question, announcing us that he is now awake.
‘Hyung... What is going on?’
I don’t know since when he stands there. And I’m sure he’s surprised seeing your present. I can feel it through his voice. But I’m sorry. I want to be selfish this time. It’s not like I’m not selfish from the first time. It’s because I can’t let you go. Not when you finally show up in my apartment. I’ll do anything that I can to make you come back to me. I know what I’m doing is disgraceful but I don’t know what else I should do.
I cling on you desperately. Telling you please take back those words. Please say to me that you’re not going to get married. Please say that all the things have been happened are merely dream. Let’s wake from this nightmare together. Please, dear... I’m begging you. Let’s back from start...
I feel a tight grip in my right forearm pulls me up harshly.
‘Hyung! What are you saying?! Stop it!’
I yank my arm out from his tight grip with a surprising strength. Maybe because of my love to you, that’s why. I scold him. This isn’t his business. Just leave us alone.
Slap!
‘Hyung! I’m your boyfriend! What the fuck...’
His next words sound fading in my ears since the harsh stinging pain welcoming my cheek. I can barely hear any sound from my surrounding. The throbbing feeling in my reddening cheek is louder than everything but I still can clearly see the next scene in front of my own eyes. You punch him. Hard. I try to understand what the hell just happened. Your next sentences help me understanding your action. Not only your action just now but also your action 1 year ago.
‘I let Yesung-hyung go not for you to hurt him, damn it! You had promised me to love him and make him happy! That was why I willingly left him. I even try to make him hate me with this marriage. You promised me, bastard!’
Your confession leaves me speechless. I forget about my painful cheek instantly. Your words shock me but I guess it shock you the most. You have your eyes widening, you even release your grip in his collar.
Is this true? Is what you had said true? Please, tell me... is it true?
I try to reach out my hand to you and grab your hand but you step backward.
‘Hyung...I’m sorry...I’m really sorry...’
You just dash out without spare me a glance. The same scene repeated. The same words said. Those fucking words that I hate the most.
I slump down on the floor. Did you say the truth? Then all of this time...you.... Shaking my head, I let the tears wetting my cheeks. My sobs become louder and miserable. I feel two arms wrapping around me, cocooning me with his arms and warm body. He says that dreadful words too. The words that killing me slowly...
‘Hyung...I’m sorry...’