jump in the frackin' water already!
y'know, there's a lot to be said for being on my own. i don't have to answer to anyone. i can do (or not) what i want, when i want. i can have the friends i want to have without taking shit for it. i get all the time to myself that i need, without making someone else feel unneeded, neglected, rejected.
but sometimes -- when i need support, reassurance, encouragement, nurturing -- i very much wish i was over my fear that i'm somehow doomed to attract (and/or be attracted to) people who are not good for me (or, possibly, anyone else). this past week or so, for instance. i've been feeling fearful and anxious about my ability to pull off this working for myself business. i'm afraid that i'm not going to have a large enough client base by the end of the year to support my girls and myself, and that i'm going to have to go back to a corporate IT job somewhere. it's not that i need anyone to cheer me on or convince me that i can do it, not at all (although, now that i think about it, that might come in handy at times). instead, i'd love to have someone to curl up with, someone who can stroke my hair and face and skin, someone who knows what it takes to soothe me and calm my self-inflicted but still hard to overcome internal chaos.
i wonder, at what point will i get over my fear of being a "wrong person" magnet and put myself out there again? it seems i'm overdue for some courage in this area, even to my own mind. yet, here i am, mostly avoiding.
but sometimes -- when i need support, reassurance, encouragement, nurturing -- i very much wish i was over my fear that i'm somehow doomed to attract (and/or be attracted to) people who are not good for me (or, possibly, anyone else). this past week or so, for instance. i've been feeling fearful and anxious about my ability to pull off this working for myself business. i'm afraid that i'm not going to have a large enough client base by the end of the year to support my girls and myself, and that i'm going to have to go back to a corporate IT job somewhere. it's not that i need anyone to cheer me on or convince me that i can do it, not at all (although, now that i think about it, that might come in handy at times). instead, i'd love to have someone to curl up with, someone who can stroke my hair and face and skin, someone who knows what it takes to soothe me and calm my self-inflicted but still hard to overcome internal chaos.
i wonder, at what point will i get over my fear of being a "wrong person" magnet and put myself out there again? it seems i'm overdue for some courage in this area, even to my own mind. yet, here i am, mostly avoiding.