Wow, I just wrote that journal
Fiction:
- I found it in an old notebook -
Title:
- Currently Untitled -
Chapter:
- Probably One -
Starts in Media Res:
- Read the narrator parts really slow, like in a wes anderson film -
"Huh? Oh, no, it's nothing that dramatic. At all."
Ash had been run over this morning, although you couldn't tell it by looking at him. The suit in which he had been run over was at the dry cleaners. Drycleaner: "You're the third pancake we've had this week. My brother's an EMT out in the county, he calls runovers "pancakes," dark humour I guess, but the other two were dead. It was their families bringing in the suits, something to bury them in. You don't look like you got run over, you sure you ain't lying?" Ash: "Certain."
"Look, if I was hurt, would I call you? No, I'd be in the hospital if I was hurt, doped up on pain pills. (pause) No, I'm not in the hospital, I'm at home. (pause) Okay, I'm at St. Vincent's, but I can't have visitors today so why don't you come see me if they don't let me out tomorrow morning?"
Ash had just lied to his mom. His mom refused to believe he was okay, so he told her to go to the hospital. Ash was at work, alive, and mostly happy. His job was fairly dull, basically running inventory counts for a small store, selling small things that were fluffy and in light cardboard boxes. The kinds of things that wouldn't kill him when two entire pallets fall on his head, which had already happened to Ash once. He had a standing offer to make more money working at the knife store that faced "T. Bear Necessities" from across the mall's foyer, but Ash would inevitably die if he took that job.
"Why did you call your mom first?"
"She's my mom."
"She's an idiot."
"Yes, well, hold on a second, okay?" Ash put down the phone longenough to throw a large, light cardboard box onto the shelf. He hated to admit it was full of teddy bears. No obvious fires had started, so he picked the phone back up. "You still there? Well, I knew you had sense. Is mom really going to the hospital tomorrow?"
"Yes, she called me crying, saying jack fetch got his closest call yet or something, and it isn't funny. You know that Ash? It really isn't funny. I worry too, you know. Everyday I have to wonder if it's actually the day."
"I'm not gonna die. I mean, I live through everything. The drycleaner said two other guysdied from being run over, just this week. I didn't even get hurt, just scraped my hand. And I got run over by a dumptruck. (hears noise) Crap!" Ash rolled rapidly out of the way as the makeshift wooden shelves pulled out of the wall and collapsed, burying the place he had so recently stood in boxes of teddy bears.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just the shelves collapsed. Wouldn't have hurt, even if they had hit. but I probably need to fix them and put the stuff back up. Talk to you tonight?"
"Ash, I can't take this any more. I think we need to break up. One of these days you won't be quick, or you won't be lucky, and I'll be alone."
"Look, there's no evil force trying to kill me. There's no grim reaper pining to remove me from my coil, and ol' jack ketch could care less about me. Those things my mother says are crazy. Yeah, I have some crazy luck. Good luck, bad luck, it evens out, right? And even then, I got you - and that's better than even. But you know Laura, if there is some evil force out there that wants me dead, then you leaving me would be the closest it has ever come. Not the well, not the flood, not the dominatrix and the GHB, none of it, nothing would hurt me like you leaving me."
"You practiced that speech."
"Laura, You know how I always look up when we're walking in case another piano falls on me? Or how I don't drive through Helena because they have railroad crossings? I'm scared I'll lose you. Nobody finds someone like you without being scared of losing you. So I figured out what I'd say if you decided to leave me. It's because I love you, you know."
"Holy Shit. You practiced that too."
"Are you really upset that I don't want to lose you?"
"No, it's just weird. Maybe weirder than the constant threat of death thing. I still don't think we should see each other any more."
"Can I call you tonight anyway?"
"You asshole. I know about you and Cindy."
"About me and Cindy? What does that mean? Cindy works at a knife store. I won't even go in. Besides, she's ugly. Where the hell did this come from? Laura I love you. Why Laura?"
Laura had believed, honestly, that something really was going on between Ash and Cindy, until the ugly comment. Realizing her mistake, but still wanting no more part in Ash's life, she hung up before he even finished the word "Ugly," and started crying.
Narrator's Note: Cindy and Laura used to be friends until the day Cindy introduced Ash to Laura. Ash and Laura immediately hit it off, and that was good. Cindy was sitting at the bar talking to some tall guy when the left speaker stack imploded and only Ash's quick reflexes prevented his decapitation. For some reason, Cindy chose this moment to realize she loved Ash. He was obviously shaken, and had peed his pants, and Laura was getting to hold him, and Cindy was alone. Or at least, lonely.
Ash banged his head against the wall, and walked over towards the knife store, just far enough outside of the store that the neon "Cutting Edge Accessories" sign wouldn't do much more than electrocute him when it fell on him. "Hey Cindy, you need a smoke break?"
"Yeah, sure." Cindy went into the back and grabbed her purse, and was rifling through it for her lighter with her cigarette between her lips. "So what's wrong?"
"You still want to give me a job?"
"Sure. What's wrong?"
"Laura broke up with me, and I don't want to live."
"Oh"
"You remember the day I nearly got decapitated, when you introduced me to Laura? Even though I peed my pants, it was still the best day of my life. And today is the worst." He gave Cindy a hug like she had always wanted, except he was obviously about to start crying. To keep this from happening, Cindy pulled back away.
"So, you think that Laura just didn't match up to your expectations, or was it one of those relationships that just got worse every day?"
"Why do you hate her?"
"Soap Opera Bullshit, I guess."
"Yall used to be really good friends. Hell, you introduced us. Something must've happened."
"Maybe yall just weren't meant for each other."
"You're avoiding the question."
"You'll probably find someone better for you soon anyway."
"I should probably get back to work and fix that shelf. See you?"
"See you."
Ash's manager, a kindly old lady of somewhere between 50 and 85 had already fixed the shelf.
"Noreen, you've had three husbands. Did any of them cry when you broke up with them?"
"Well, it's not breaking up, it's divorcing. Jerry cried more because I took all his moeny than because I was leaving him. And I didn't love Tom or Sean, so I didn't really pay attention."
"You're the kind of person who poisons young gentlemens' tea, aren't you?"
"Well, no, I haven't done that. I did make several boys in grade school cry."
"Broke their hearts too?"
"No, ran them over on the way to work."
"Driving through the playground again?"
"I probably shouldn't have made that joke today, since you got run over and all. Did Laura break up with you?"
"Yeah, she did."
"The speech we wrote didn't help?"
"I got some of the lines wrong, and besides, she really wanted to break up with me, I think."
"Well, you'll just have to become more callous is all. Why don't you take the rest of the day off?"
"Because I'll kill myself?"
"You won't get insurance. Try and get someone to kill you instead."
"Later Noreen."
"You don't come in until 2 tomorrow, so that should giveyou plenty of time to get over Laura. See you then."
End:
- Of "the fiction" -
For:
- Now -
Bear in Mind:
- I did change some stuff -
- I found it in an old notebook -
Title:
- Currently Untitled -
Chapter:
- Probably One -
Starts in Media Res:
- Read the narrator parts really slow, like in a wes anderson film -
"Huh? Oh, no, it's nothing that dramatic. At all."
Ash had been run over this morning, although you couldn't tell it by looking at him. The suit in which he had been run over was at the dry cleaners. Drycleaner: "You're the third pancake we've had this week. My brother's an EMT out in the county, he calls runovers "pancakes," dark humour I guess, but the other two were dead. It was their families bringing in the suits, something to bury them in. You don't look like you got run over, you sure you ain't lying?" Ash: "Certain."
"Look, if I was hurt, would I call you? No, I'd be in the hospital if I was hurt, doped up on pain pills. (pause) No, I'm not in the hospital, I'm at home. (pause) Okay, I'm at St. Vincent's, but I can't have visitors today so why don't you come see me if they don't let me out tomorrow morning?"
Ash had just lied to his mom. His mom refused to believe he was okay, so he told her to go to the hospital. Ash was at work, alive, and mostly happy. His job was fairly dull, basically running inventory counts for a small store, selling small things that were fluffy and in light cardboard boxes. The kinds of things that wouldn't kill him when two entire pallets fall on his head, which had already happened to Ash once. He had a standing offer to make more money working at the knife store that faced "T. Bear Necessities" from across the mall's foyer, but Ash would inevitably die if he took that job.
"Why did you call your mom first?"
"She's my mom."
"She's an idiot."
"Yes, well, hold on a second, okay?" Ash put down the phone longenough to throw a large, light cardboard box onto the shelf. He hated to admit it was full of teddy bears. No obvious fires had started, so he picked the phone back up. "You still there? Well, I knew you had sense. Is mom really going to the hospital tomorrow?"
"Yes, she called me crying, saying jack fetch got his closest call yet or something, and it isn't funny. You know that Ash? It really isn't funny. I worry too, you know. Everyday I have to wonder if it's actually the day."
"I'm not gonna die. I mean, I live through everything. The drycleaner said two other guysdied from being run over, just this week. I didn't even get hurt, just scraped my hand. And I got run over by a dumptruck. (hears noise) Crap!" Ash rolled rapidly out of the way as the makeshift wooden shelves pulled out of the wall and collapsed, burying the place he had so recently stood in boxes of teddy bears.
"Are you okay?"
"Yeah, just the shelves collapsed. Wouldn't have hurt, even if they had hit. but I probably need to fix them and put the stuff back up. Talk to you tonight?"
"Ash, I can't take this any more. I think we need to break up. One of these days you won't be quick, or you won't be lucky, and I'll be alone."
"Look, there's no evil force trying to kill me. There's no grim reaper pining to remove me from my coil, and ol' jack ketch could care less about me. Those things my mother says are crazy. Yeah, I have some crazy luck. Good luck, bad luck, it evens out, right? And even then, I got you - and that's better than even. But you know Laura, if there is some evil force out there that wants me dead, then you leaving me would be the closest it has ever come. Not the well, not the flood, not the dominatrix and the GHB, none of it, nothing would hurt me like you leaving me."
"You practiced that speech."
"Laura, You know how I always look up when we're walking in case another piano falls on me? Or how I don't drive through Helena because they have railroad crossings? I'm scared I'll lose you. Nobody finds someone like you without being scared of losing you. So I figured out what I'd say if you decided to leave me. It's because I love you, you know."
"Holy Shit. You practiced that too."
"Are you really upset that I don't want to lose you?"
"No, it's just weird. Maybe weirder than the constant threat of death thing. I still don't think we should see each other any more."
"Can I call you tonight anyway?"
"You asshole. I know about you and Cindy."
"About me and Cindy? What does that mean? Cindy works at a knife store. I won't even go in. Besides, she's ugly. Where the hell did this come from? Laura I love you. Why Laura?"
Laura had believed, honestly, that something really was going on between Ash and Cindy, until the ugly comment. Realizing her mistake, but still wanting no more part in Ash's life, she hung up before he even finished the word "Ugly," and started crying.
Narrator's Note: Cindy and Laura used to be friends until the day Cindy introduced Ash to Laura. Ash and Laura immediately hit it off, and that was good. Cindy was sitting at the bar talking to some tall guy when the left speaker stack imploded and only Ash's quick reflexes prevented his decapitation. For some reason, Cindy chose this moment to realize she loved Ash. He was obviously shaken, and had peed his pants, and Laura was getting to hold him, and Cindy was alone. Or at least, lonely.
Ash banged his head against the wall, and walked over towards the knife store, just far enough outside of the store that the neon "Cutting Edge Accessories" sign wouldn't do much more than electrocute him when it fell on him. "Hey Cindy, you need a smoke break?"
"Yeah, sure." Cindy went into the back and grabbed her purse, and was rifling through it for her lighter with her cigarette between her lips. "So what's wrong?"
"You still want to give me a job?"
"Sure. What's wrong?"
"Laura broke up with me, and I don't want to live."
"Oh"
"You remember the day I nearly got decapitated, when you introduced me to Laura? Even though I peed my pants, it was still the best day of my life. And today is the worst." He gave Cindy a hug like she had always wanted, except he was obviously about to start crying. To keep this from happening, Cindy pulled back away.
"So, you think that Laura just didn't match up to your expectations, or was it one of those relationships that just got worse every day?"
"Why do you hate her?"
"Soap Opera Bullshit, I guess."
"Yall used to be really good friends. Hell, you introduced us. Something must've happened."
"Maybe yall just weren't meant for each other."
"You're avoiding the question."
"You'll probably find someone better for you soon anyway."
"I should probably get back to work and fix that shelf. See you?"
"See you."
Ash's manager, a kindly old lady of somewhere between 50 and 85 had already fixed the shelf.
"Noreen, you've had three husbands. Did any of them cry when you broke up with them?"
"Well, it's not breaking up, it's divorcing. Jerry cried more because I took all his moeny than because I was leaving him. And I didn't love Tom or Sean, so I didn't really pay attention."
"You're the kind of person who poisons young gentlemens' tea, aren't you?"
"Well, no, I haven't done that. I did make several boys in grade school cry."
"Broke their hearts too?"
"No, ran them over on the way to work."
"Driving through the playground again?"
"I probably shouldn't have made that joke today, since you got run over and all. Did Laura break up with you?"
"Yeah, she did."
"The speech we wrote didn't help?"
"I got some of the lines wrong, and besides, she really wanted to break up with me, I think."
"Well, you'll just have to become more callous is all. Why don't you take the rest of the day off?"
"Because I'll kill myself?"
"You won't get insurance. Try and get someone to kill you instead."
"Later Noreen."
"You don't come in until 2 tomorrow, so that should giveyou plenty of time to get over Laura. See you then."
End:
- Of "the fiction" -
For:
- Now -
Bear in Mind:
- I did change some stuff -