A Collection of Notes.
Everytime my phone rings, Im hoping its you.
And everytime, Im disappointed.
I feel abandoned by you.
You finally found what you wanted - someone loyal and wanting to make things work. And what do you do? Turn tail and run. You let your fears guide you. I will eventually stop blindly chasing you. I will eventually realize my efforts are futile. I only hope you realize what you have found in me.. before it's too late.
Im worth your time and efforts
You're on the prowl again. You always have been. You may as well be cheating on me. You're no better than your ex-girlfriends. You never did seem as entirely committed as I am. I missed the warnings staring me blankly in the face.
Developing an identity through you. I need to reconnect with my interests before I can add yours. Im so quick to jump into the scene of whoever Im with, Im finding it difficult to define myself now. I think, subconciously, I made the decision to stop that somewhere in the midst of my relationship with Grant falling apart. I realized I had identified largely with music. Most of my relationships found me in various venues, recording studios, band practices etc. It took me a while to realize that wasnt me. I wouldnt be happy pursuing it for the long run. While I enjoy music, its not who I am. You find me uninterested in your hobbies, largely, I think, because Im trying not to just fall into a scene this time. Im trying to use your motivation, encouragement, determination, to find my own way again. I am interested in what you do and having recently expressed this interest to you was probably bad timing as you probably took it as a desperate attempt to connect with you. I dont blame you. I would probably think the same thing. But can you blame me for fighting the interest in the first place? I dont want to blindly follow you, become you. I want to share with you my interests, and be a functioning part of the necessary diversity of our relationship. As it stands, Im incorporating your interests with my hobbies and it helps me. I havent been able to focus on building a website for quite some time. Now with your work that I am also interested in (and would love to learn but thats another story) Im extremely frustrated with being as far as I can go with it right now. I have all these ideas, ambitions, and not much to work with. But Im grateful for it. I havent been so motivated for a long time, and not even lack of access to my usual programs and utilities is bringing me down. I do hope one day you take my show of interest in painting seriously. And thank you for the cooking lesson, and indirectly teaching me to shop smart, tho I may have to pick you brain on that matter a little more in-depth when it again pertains to me (read: When I have my own place again). Maybe I can show you my 'paint'ing some time - haha.
Im everything you want and you fight it
You're everything I want, and you're right, I dont know what to do with it. But Im willing to learn. Im willing to stand up to my fears, get over the mistrust of relationships past, abandonment and heartache of boyfriends, friends, fiance, my father. Im asking you to face your fears. Come to terms with the fact that I am not your ex-girlfriends. I will not break your trust. I will not abandon you. I think you know that too and you arent sure how to deal with it. Im sorry if I sometimes seem to take you for granted. Know Im greatly appreciative of everything you've done for me, everything you conciously made an effort at, and all the things you dont even realize you've done, just by being you. Thank you. Thank you for showing me that every little imperfection is not the end of the world. Thank you for trying to make me understand the importance of laughing it off, and better yet, laughing at myself. Im asking you to throw caution in the wind and make a concerted, positive-minded effort to us. If it fails, so be it. But at least we tried - both of us, together - and now we know. And knowing is half the battle.
You think you may be better off alone but continue to express your need of a relationship. You say you have a strong distrust of women, and cant tell me things because they may hurt you in the future, but you know, deep down, you can trust me, and I wouldnt do anything to hurt that. You know this but you deny it. You deny yourself the opportunity of anything good to come of this. You are worth the effort of a relationship. Its too bad you cant see it.
You're playing a game and I dont like it
Its not fair. You have me. You know you do. Im yours. But you cant keep giving me this false hope for a relationship. If you arent serious about committing to me, to us, I need to know. I deserve to know. So I can go on a little easier with one less worry on my plate. Or I can start to move on and get over you. Recognize what you have in me. Im honest and loyal. I trust you and you can trust me. I am attractive. I have the greatest respect for you. I have a genuine interest in working things out. I have a good sense of humour, Im fun to be around, and I want to have a good time - but its hard when Im constantly doubting your intentions - so what are they?