not about today. well sort of.
I feel almost as if I need to create some sort of self-affirming mantra, one that takes who/what I am and affirms that it matters not just because I am living this life, but rather that it has an importance that is bigger than that. I think it goes like this:
I am. Suck it bastards.
I don't know, it's charming in a, "that's obvious, but why the attitude," kind of way. I need to do something besides downloading keane and Va: Twee as fuck, Pitchfork! Perhaps I shall do something like learn french, again, or perhaps I'll get a jump on that whole buisness 100 biz. Perhaps. I should do something more worthwhile, but I'm not sure what that curtails, spending every waking moment either building a patio out of rocks gathered from the desert or working at a check-out stand do seem to be cutting into the time I've set aside to solve world hunger or whatever the fuck I'm going to do. I've realized I matter as much as anyother person living in boise, and no more. Even to people whom I previously thought entertained the thought of me mattering to them on a level beyond just the dude who is there. But honestly I don't think it is so. Well, besides Jessica, she makes a pretty good pitch as to me being awesome, but I only halfheartedly believe her, as she is rather optimistic. Whoo! pessimism.
Nothing is going to change just because I go to college. I have to make changes with forethought determination if I wish to matter, if I wish not to be the dude in the back, I managed to find people who looked up to me once, and to whom I looked up to. I guess that I should go find them again, as they are in fact the people with whom I share an understanding, and with whom I wish to spend my life. This isn't a change of heart so much as a notice to myself, go do shit, summer is too good to only work 36 hours a week. I need to spend massive amounts of time with my family, and with people who actually like me. like Jessica. or fuck, even Emily. At least they care about me in a way that positively affects me. I don't need specfic goals, I just want to read some stuff, think some, gather my life before it changes, enjoy whatever it is that I have and kill the shit I don't enjoy.
Aight I'm done. That seems to be enough for tonight.
and Jess finally got the nice ring I got her, and she likes it, but isn't creating a promise or committment out of the whole deal which is nice. cause that's how I meant it. I'm glad she understands.
I am. Suck it bastards.
I don't know, it's charming in a, "that's obvious, but why the attitude," kind of way. I need to do something besides downloading keane and Va: Twee as fuck, Pitchfork! Perhaps I shall do something like learn french, again, or perhaps I'll get a jump on that whole buisness 100 biz. Perhaps. I should do something more worthwhile, but I'm not sure what that curtails, spending every waking moment either building a patio out of rocks gathered from the desert or working at a check-out stand do seem to be cutting into the time I've set aside to solve world hunger or whatever the fuck I'm going to do. I've realized I matter as much as anyother person living in boise, and no more. Even to people whom I previously thought entertained the thought of me mattering to them on a level beyond just the dude who is there. But honestly I don't think it is so. Well, besides Jessica, she makes a pretty good pitch as to me being awesome, but I only halfheartedly believe her, as she is rather optimistic. Whoo! pessimism.
Nothing is going to change just because I go to college. I have to make changes with forethought determination if I wish to matter, if I wish not to be the dude in the back, I managed to find people who looked up to me once, and to whom I looked up to. I guess that I should go find them again, as they are in fact the people with whom I share an understanding, and with whom I wish to spend my life. This isn't a change of heart so much as a notice to myself, go do shit, summer is too good to only work 36 hours a week. I need to spend massive amounts of time with my family, and with people who actually like me. like Jessica. or fuck, even Emily. At least they care about me in a way that positively affects me. I don't need specfic goals, I just want to read some stuff, think some, gather my life before it changes, enjoy whatever it is that I have and kill the shit I don't enjoy.
Aight I'm done. That seems to be enough for tonight.
and Jess finally got the nice ring I got her, and she likes it, but isn't creating a promise or committment out of the whole deal which is nice. cause that's how I meant it. I'm glad she understands.