(no subject)
I have an insane memory. It can be really great, or really terrible.
I have clothing memories. I can almost always remember what i was wearing when a significant event takes place.
When i went to take my driver's test on my 17th birthday, i was wearing a Bergen's Best soccer camp shirt, and green adidas soccer shorts.
When i graduated high school, i was wearing a white dress under my white gown and Birkenstocks. I wore a black Trey Anastasio Tank top with a phoenix rising from the ashes with a pair of maroon board shorts to the graduation ball.
On my first day of college, I was wearing olive boy shorts, and a white american eagle polo shirt with green stripes.
When i first hooked up with X-2, I was wearing a corduroy shirt that buttoned and tied at the top, and faded jeans. I remember purposely not shaving my legs that night to deter myself from being drunk and irresponsible. I ended up in a fort on a bean bag chair.
When i first hooked up with best friend, I was wearing a blue tank top, denim capris, turquoise earrings and one of those fabric belts- shades of blue stripes, and probably white flip flops.
It goes beyond clothing though, sometimes too far-- and vivid. I can envision scenes in my memory perfectly. Details like lighting, words, facial expressions (and yes, clothing or lack thereof). X-1 and I would watch Scrubs together all the time. Fantastic show, but he would always sort of sing along to the beginning theme in a very characteristic way that comes back to me- almost haunts me- every time i hear that theme music. It's not particularly painful, it's just... why is it there?! Go away stupid memory! And yet it returns time after time. I can see clearly, my dorm room in smith, the light blue comforter I had on my bed, the positioning of the TV, and the posters on my wall. We finished season one, and were addicted, so we went out and bought season two. When that was over, and season three hadn't yet come out on DVD, we downloaded them onto our computers. We would download a few episodes, crawl into bed, and rest the computer on his chest. I guess it just happened a lot, and so that's why it's ingrained in my head.
Maybe this is far too much information. I don't know, I feel like if I put it into words, if i liberate it in some way, it can be freed from my mind. I can't explain why it bothers me. I don't love him anymore. I don't want to be with him anymore. Yet there's something about these memories that tears at me a little. I guess back then the world was a bit smaller and a bit more perfect. Somehow I was more sure of who I was and where I belonged. I was Victoria Portsmore, a College Senior in the class of 2006. I only needed to worry about that moment with that person. I was sure of how he felt about me and how i felt about him. I guess since this summer, I'm not really sure about anything anymore. Cliche, but true. I'm not really the same person who graduated in may. I'm not really the same person at all.
I have clothing memories. I can almost always remember what i was wearing when a significant event takes place.
When i went to take my driver's test on my 17th birthday, i was wearing a Bergen's Best soccer camp shirt, and green adidas soccer shorts.
When i graduated high school, i was wearing a white dress under my white gown and Birkenstocks. I wore a black Trey Anastasio Tank top with a phoenix rising from the ashes with a pair of maroon board shorts to the graduation ball.
On my first day of college, I was wearing olive boy shorts, and a white american eagle polo shirt with green stripes.
When i first hooked up with X-2, I was wearing a corduroy shirt that buttoned and tied at the top, and faded jeans. I remember purposely not shaving my legs that night to deter myself from being drunk and irresponsible. I ended up in a fort on a bean bag chair.
When i first hooked up with best friend, I was wearing a blue tank top, denim capris, turquoise earrings and one of those fabric belts- shades of blue stripes, and probably white flip flops.
It goes beyond clothing though, sometimes too far-- and vivid. I can envision scenes in my memory perfectly. Details like lighting, words, facial expressions (and yes, clothing or lack thereof). X-1 and I would watch Scrubs together all the time. Fantastic show, but he would always sort of sing along to the beginning theme in a very characteristic way that comes back to me- almost haunts me- every time i hear that theme music. It's not particularly painful, it's just... why is it there?! Go away stupid memory! And yet it returns time after time. I can see clearly, my dorm room in smith, the light blue comforter I had on my bed, the positioning of the TV, and the posters on my wall. We finished season one, and were addicted, so we went out and bought season two. When that was over, and season three hadn't yet come out on DVD, we downloaded them onto our computers. We would download a few episodes, crawl into bed, and rest the computer on his chest. I guess it just happened a lot, and so that's why it's ingrained in my head.
Maybe this is far too much information. I don't know, I feel like if I put it into words, if i liberate it in some way, it can be freed from my mind. I can't explain why it bothers me. I don't love him anymore. I don't want to be with him anymore. Yet there's something about these memories that tears at me a little. I guess back then the world was a bit smaller and a bit more perfect. Somehow I was more sure of who I was and where I belonged. I was Victoria Portsmore, a College Senior in the class of 2006. I only needed to worry about that moment with that person. I was sure of how he felt about me and how i felt about him. I guess since this summer, I'm not really sure about anything anymore. Cliche, but true. I'm not really the same person who graduated in may. I'm not really the same person at all.