(no subject)
I appreciate the fact that being my friend on livejournal means being subjugated to a navel-gazing rant about my alcoholism from time to time. So as not to monopolize your friends space, I'll put this one under a cut. I have a feeling it's going to be really long anyway.
I need to get out some feelings about this right now. Every couple of months I come to the conclusion that I should stop drinking. Really, it's something I'm at least casually aware of at all times. It isn't good for me and, ultimately, puts my health and well-being in serious jeopardy. In the long run, it would be nothing but good for me to never drink again. I know that. In the short run, however, I am a miserable alcoholic hermit. Okay, miserable is a little dramatic, but I'm definitely unhappy a lot. Alcohol has been my coping mechanism of choice for most of my adult life. On top of that, I'm nothing if not a creature of habit. My day to day life follows an almost unfaltering pattern. If you've known me for a long time, you'll know that my answer to "what have you been up to lately?" is unfailingly, "working." I'm not being modest. That's all I do. That and drink.
The many times I've tried to quit drinking has taught me one thing: I'm really bad at it. Typically, I resolve to quit, make it a day or two and fall to pieces. A major cause of this is that once alcohol is removed from my routine all that's left is me sitting in my room alone. That gets old fast.
I don't know where I'm really going with this. Suffice it to say, it's been two days since my last drink and I'm having a hard time with it. Alcohol has created a self perpetuating cycle of isolation in my life and I don't know how to break it. I want to, though.
The last time I tried to stop drinking, I made it to the second day. I feel more strongly resolved this time. In the past, I've talked myself out of quiting with the usual mechanisms.
"One drink won't hurt." "Try again tomorrow, today's just too hard." "You're miserable now, aren't you? Why not be miserable and drunk."
Stuff like that. This time, I've had those same thoughts, of course. However, I'm managing to stay on top of them. I really, really feel the need to drink, but I also know that, in the grand scheme of my life, it's not what I want.
I'm writing this entry because it's the closest thing I've got to saying this out loud right now. I want to wake up and still feel resolved. I'm not just trying to get through tonight. I need to get it into my head that this isn't just a temporary decision. I don't want to wake up in the morning thinking, "well, that was hard. Time for a drink."
Here's my plan: one month, at least. No alcohol. That shouldn't be such a hard thing, but even thinking about it now, it seems near impossible. It isn't and I need to know that. I'm feeling begrudgingly optimistic. Hopefully, this will be this last "I need to quit drinking" post you'll have to put up with. If it is, I can't promise that it's the last "Oh my god, not drinking is so hard, I don't understand how people live like this," post.
I need to get out some feelings about this right now. Every couple of months I come to the conclusion that I should stop drinking. Really, it's something I'm at least casually aware of at all times. It isn't good for me and, ultimately, puts my health and well-being in serious jeopardy. In the long run, it would be nothing but good for me to never drink again. I know that. In the short run, however, I am a miserable alcoholic hermit. Okay, miserable is a little dramatic, but I'm definitely unhappy a lot. Alcohol has been my coping mechanism of choice for most of my adult life. On top of that, I'm nothing if not a creature of habit. My day to day life follows an almost unfaltering pattern. If you've known me for a long time, you'll know that my answer to "what have you been up to lately?" is unfailingly, "working." I'm not being modest. That's all I do. That and drink.
The many times I've tried to quit drinking has taught me one thing: I'm really bad at it. Typically, I resolve to quit, make it a day or two and fall to pieces. A major cause of this is that once alcohol is removed from my routine all that's left is me sitting in my room alone. That gets old fast.
I don't know where I'm really going with this. Suffice it to say, it's been two days since my last drink and I'm having a hard time with it. Alcohol has created a self perpetuating cycle of isolation in my life and I don't know how to break it. I want to, though.
The last time I tried to stop drinking, I made it to the second day. I feel more strongly resolved this time. In the past, I've talked myself out of quiting with the usual mechanisms.
"One drink won't hurt." "Try again tomorrow, today's just too hard." "You're miserable now, aren't you? Why not be miserable and drunk."
Stuff like that. This time, I've had those same thoughts, of course. However, I'm managing to stay on top of them. I really, really feel the need to drink, but I also know that, in the grand scheme of my life, it's not what I want.
I'm writing this entry because it's the closest thing I've got to saying this out loud right now. I want to wake up and still feel resolved. I'm not just trying to get through tonight. I need to get it into my head that this isn't just a temporary decision. I don't want to wake up in the morning thinking, "well, that was hard. Time for a drink."
Here's my plan: one month, at least. No alcohol. That shouldn't be such a hard thing, but even thinking about it now, it seems near impossible. It isn't and I need to know that. I'm feeling begrudgingly optimistic. Hopefully, this will be this last "I need to quit drinking" post you'll have to put up with. If it is, I can't promise that it's the last "Oh my god, not drinking is so hard, I don't understand how people live like this," post.