Smallness and Largeness
My mother would tell you that I am destined for greatness. I like to think that she really believes this and does not say it simply out of motherly pride. Never mind the reason, she has always said this. Mother and teachers alike have praised my intellect and my abilities, so I never lacked confidence in my mental abilities, though my social skills apparently leave much to be desired.
So, I should by all means be great at this point, but I suffer from an overabundance of smallness. My life runneth over with smallness. My career is small, my writing success is small, my genetic contribution by virtue of being non-existent is small, even those events that should be a cause for celebration are small: both of my marriages, my birthdays, my triumphs.
I have come to the conclusion that I am destined for smallness. My mother and my teachers spent far too much time lauding my mediocrity so that I now have an overweening opinion of myself and must deal with the very shocking fact that I am not special. And, I secretly think that my being the especially not special bordering on completely unimportant is the universe's way of punishing me.
I'm turning into my mother. I used to have an inside centric notion of things. Now, that isn't what its called but that is what the concept amounts to. Someone that tends to believe what happens to them is a direct result of the things they do. They succeed or fail based on their own actions and abilities. A sort of go getter and its no one's fault but my own person. Now, an outside centric person, like my mother, thinks its the worlds fault; that someone is out to 'get' you. I seem to have moved on to the second view point.
Lord have mercy, I'm turning into a bitter old woman and I can't seem to help it because I feel perfectly justified in my belief. I have not amounted to greatness and greatness is what I wanted. I'm finding it difficult coping with being average. Is this what Napoleon felt like when he failed? Is this the crushing depression that caused Hitler to take his life? Is this what former child stars deal with as adults?
So, I should by all means be great at this point, but I suffer from an overabundance of smallness. My life runneth over with smallness. My career is small, my writing success is small, my genetic contribution by virtue of being non-existent is small, even those events that should be a cause for celebration are small: both of my marriages, my birthdays, my triumphs.
I have come to the conclusion that I am destined for smallness. My mother and my teachers spent far too much time lauding my mediocrity so that I now have an overweening opinion of myself and must deal with the very shocking fact that I am not special. And, I secretly think that my being the especially not special bordering on completely unimportant is the universe's way of punishing me.
I'm turning into my mother. I used to have an inside centric notion of things. Now, that isn't what its called but that is what the concept amounts to. Someone that tends to believe what happens to them is a direct result of the things they do. They succeed or fail based on their own actions and abilities. A sort of go getter and its no one's fault but my own person. Now, an outside centric person, like my mother, thinks its the worlds fault; that someone is out to 'get' you. I seem to have moved on to the second view point.
Lord have mercy, I'm turning into a bitter old woman and I can't seem to help it because I feel perfectly justified in my belief. I have not amounted to greatness and greatness is what I wanted. I'm finding it difficult coping with being average. Is this what Napoleon felt like when he failed? Is this the crushing depression that caused Hitler to take his life? Is this what former child stars deal with as adults?