My Grendel
My body is tense, taut as a bowstring and quivering. I am vibrating to the reasonance of my jangled nerves. I am discordant and jarring. Panic settles in my breast bone, fluttering like a wounded bird. I breathe deeper, willing myself to a calmness. I fail and feel tears prick at my eyes. I have no constructive outlet but tears. I don't wish to cry, however. I long to be held, to let the panic and the nausea overcome me. It's so much easier to give in.
This is how I've felt for the last two days. I've had to fight against the rising tide of panic. That horrid feeling that occurs when the bottom drops out of my gut and my breath catches in my throat. I tell Ryan that I wish I could afford a doctor to provide me with medications for this. He disagrees saying I don't need to become addicted to pills. I concur, however...
I say to him I would take a rainbow assortment, a motley crew, a plethora of pills no matter how lifeless and grey it might change the world, if it meant I could acheive some normality to my life. He disagrees, saying he wouldn't. Well, two differing world views then. Personally, I find the pain of my neurosis is too high a price to pay.
I am sick of suffering and being maladjusted.
This is how I've felt for the last two days. I've had to fight against the rising tide of panic. That horrid feeling that occurs when the bottom drops out of my gut and my breath catches in my throat. I tell Ryan that I wish I could afford a doctor to provide me with medications for this. He disagrees saying I don't need to become addicted to pills. I concur, however...
I say to him I would take a rainbow assortment, a motley crew, a plethora of pills no matter how lifeless and grey it might change the world, if it meant I could acheive some normality to my life. He disagrees, saying he wouldn't. Well, two differing world views then. Personally, I find the pain of my neurosis is too high a price to pay.
I am sick of suffering and being maladjusted.