[DDD | 063 | Action] Evapartment - Forgetfulness can be a problem.

[redheadcarrier]

Life had been hectic for a while. In fact, she hadn't bothered to post or check the community in a long time. She didn't really have a need to. For the most part, she'd been trying to pick up the pieces of her life and make sense of what she was supposed to do here. That was the question she'd been asking herself ever since she arrived in this

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[childrenoflilim]

Shinji was in his usual place, lying on his bed and staring at the increasingly familiar ceiling. Nothing but community-forced events brought him out of the apartment; he lacked the nerve for interacting with strangers on his own accord as of yet. Pathetic, Asuka would have said, how pathetic are you?

Asuka. If people's hearts were islands adrift, she was Alcatraz, its presence everywhere while out of sight. Security was tighter than ever following--then, but he had escaped with knowledge of every stain and secret once trapped behind those reinforced doors. She must be angry. She must hate him.

He had to know for sure.

Shinj crept into the kitchen, fiddling with the hem of his shirt. "Um. Hi."

[redheadcarrier]

Asuka still doesn't know how to feel about Shinji. Time has dulled the wounds to some extent, but she thinks she might still hate him. Hate him for leaving her to die. Hate him for never actually caring about her. Hate him for everything he's ever done and everything he's never done. There was the tell-tale tightening of her shoulders as she heard him come in, but she put on her best smile (only slightly condescending) and turned to look at him with that arrogant grin he was probably used to seeing.

Of course, by now he can probably see it's not always reflected in her eyes.

"Hey, Shinji! Finally coming out of your room for once?"

There was venom buried underneath the playful teasing.

[childrenoflilim]

Paracelsus, the man behind toxicology, once wrote in days of Greek yore, "Everything is poison, there is poison in everything. Only the dose makes a thing not a poison."

Her words held enough to hurt, but not to kill.

Shinji smiled. "I guess so. Welcome home, Asuka."

[redheadcarrier]

"Thanks," Asuka replied, still smiling. How dare he? How dare he welcome her home? She knew and he knew what he'd seen, what he'd done, what he hadn't done-

"Have you seen Kaworu? We're..."

She paused and then (with only a little bit of guilt) twisted the knife, "...we're celebrating our second anniversary."

[childrenoflilim]

"...oh."

(THE VERY SIGHT OF YOU PISSES ME OFF)

"N-no, I--"

(Then don't come near me anymore. All you do is hurt me.)

"I dunno where. Just me."

He sags under the weight of guilt, hatred, guilt for that hatred, more self-hatred, and can think of nothing else but the crushing feeling around his heart from the poison's stronger dosage.

[redheadcarrier]

"Oh, well, that's alright. I'm sure he'll turn up eventually," she replied evenly and slid a chair out from the table. After a moment, she sat, dangling her arms over the back of the chair. She could see that he was hurting and she wanted him to hurt. It was the least he deserved for what he'd done to her (even if another part of her actually cared).

He cares about me. He actually looks at me. He loves me. All you ever did was run away!

"I guess you can join us, if you want," she kept her tone even as she stared Shinji down. Make him squirm.

[childrenoflilim]

Why isn't he dead yet? His vision is darker and his breathing is shallow and his legs feel like they'll collapse at any moment so why isn't he dead? Perhaps he was. Perhaps this was Hell.

Fair enough. He had never believed in Heaven anyway.

"No."

[redheadcarrier]

Who knew it would be this easy to make him squirm? Asuka arched a brow, "What's wrong with you? I'm just making conversation."

And silently judging. But the point was to mess with his head, "You're acting weird, Shinji... Like always."

A cold feeling feeling of satisfaction settled over her. Maybe she should have felt guilt, but why should she? He couldn't show up and expect everything to be normal all over again. Not after what had happened. She leaned forward and settled her arms on the table. "Look at me when I'm talking to you, Shinji."

[childrenoflilim]

His name on her lips in that condescending tone sets free a white-hot avalanche of emotions. Shame, maybe; fear, maybe; another he hasn't felt in a while.

Raw anger.

(her neck was smaller than he'd imagined. she'd lost weight while wandering the deserted streets of tokyo-3, while asleep, while leaving him to suffer. how dare she? she was a filthy liar just like the rest! he'd show her, he'd--!)

Shinji glares at her with eyebrows furrowed, ready to fight until his last breath like the wounded animal he was. "Fine, Asuka."

[redheadcarrier]

The anger caught her attention first. Shinji didn't feel anger. At least he never expressed it anyone without totally melting down first. Her eyes narrowed into a condescending glare for as a all of the raw venom and distaste came boiling to the surface for a moment. "What did you say to me, Ikari?"

She'd just have to remind about why he was spineless in the first place.

[childrenoflilim]

"I said I'd look at you, Asuka."

Shinji had his meltdown already. Hell, he was just beginning to approach the still cooling warped remains of the nuclear core. And honestly, he was tired. He was tired of feeling less than human in her eyes, carrying both their sins, everything. Just tired. He would earn a spine.

[redheadcarrier]

That was it? That was what he was going to say? Now? After how many years? Asuka pushed her chair out with a loud scraping sound and shot to her feet, hands curled into fists against the surface of the table.

"You'll look at me? Now? Well, I'm glad you finally caught on, Shinji Ikari! It only took you four years!"

Almost four years now. She was going to turn eighteen in a couple of weeks.

[childrenoflilim]

"How am I supposed to know what you want? All you said since I've got here are things to hurt me or make me feel bad! You still never tell anyone what you're thinking!" Shinji could feel the prick of nails in his palms, and it hurt more with each passing second.

Good. He knew he could live with pain. Now, for the first time ever, he would push through it.

[redheadcarrier]

"At least I didn't leave you to die!" Asuka's voice rises into a shriek, "Maybe I should've left you to rot! Then you could've been alone with your pathetic self! Then you wouldn't have to deal with me anymore! Is that waht you want, Shinji? You never cared about me!"

Make it all go away. Make him stop. Make him pay attention. Make him admit that he never cared. Make him, make him, make him.

Make him do something.

[childrenoflilim]

"I wanted to save you! I did, and I was and then--" he swallows the sudden rise of bile in his throat at the memory of hardly distinguishable remains, "I was going to save you!

You were my friend, Asuka!"

[redheadcarrier]

For a moment, Asuka recoils as if she's been struck and then she retorts, voice cold, "I was never a friend to you. I was just your fantasy. And when I actually needed you, you just ran away."

She knows what he did. And it's still disgusting.