Journey
So I've neglected this journal for about 5 years. Well, truthfully, more than five years. I've made some vein attempts at finding myself similar online venues for which to speak my stupid flipping mind, but nothing feels quite right. I suppose the subjectiveness of journaling takes a good deal of pressure off my mind. I mean, what the fuck do I know? I'm just spewing out garbage half the time. the other half of the time is filled with half-realized ideas and subliminally regurgitated advertisements. just do it.
So I will continue speaking from the place I feel most comfortable, my subjective understanding of the world.
I wonder how it is we've created this notion that subjective responses are inherently biased. Maybe it is just another ill-begotten psycho-suggestion I adopted from the discipline.
I mean, the standards of scientific thinking requires honestly on the part of the speaker, right? I don't see how I can honestly admit I understand a god damned thing about the world. If I were to assume I know any thing at all (well when it "comes down to it") then I would be in the same area with the assholes that run things around here... bureaucratic butt munchers.
Anyways, I came "here" because I realized another thing about myself (as compared to everyone else) that further supports my five year old understanding of the world: I can't fucking do shit like everyone else!
I realize I have dyslexia. Now this isn't a big deal given the latest estimate of the population is guessed to be 20% dyslexic (largely comprised of the unidentified poor folks like me). Anyways, since dyslexia is an umbrella term (most people don't know) I figured I should know where I stand, mostly because I am hoping I can somehow blame it on the 29 years of academic/social damage I have incurred thus far and it turns out, i can! Like so many others (I'm guessing all 5 of my siblings) I was an early read (well, I had a stunted school experience, but by 3rd grade I was obsessed with reading). Being an early reader is what turns 90% of us idiots off to the idea that we could be dyslexic, but hasn't anyone felt like you "learned" differently, or even read differently? Well, I have, and it turns out I have good fucking intuition (just kidding, I should have realized this like way way way sooner).
Anyways, I have no visual memory! None! It doesn't make a ton of sense at first because I'm an artist and I love to draw, but maybe there's a hidden reason for this! I think it is just my short-term working memory, because I can remember visual things from long ago, and sometimes remember passages from books I read days after i initially aim to memorize it. i've always struggled to copy things down--simple things like memorizing and rewriting series of numbers. This must have something to do with comprehension as well, because I can only remember things that I can understand as full ideas or concepts. For instance, two words with seemingly arbitrary meaning will be lost on me immediately, not until I apply meaning, then I have a shot at remembering. This is why symbols and numbers can be so difficult.
It is also the reason I struggle to sit and work in an organized fashion. I always noticed that I was the "messiest" painter despite the fact I felt obsessed with keeping my working space clean. I just simply can't manage having a lot of shit around me at once and multi-task. It is sad because I like to have a lot of objects in my immediate presence, like books that i like, because they feel comforting to me.
I guess that is what it comes down to, thought, the "meaning" of these seemingly arbitrary or mundane things is absolutely essential to create in my mind.
If some dickhole would have noticed my problem 20 years ago, who knows where I would be. I fucking love learning and I am a hard worker. I just suck at weird, everyday tasks that other people don't. I now understand why I struggled so much in the clinical environment with all those "little notes" and emails. They were over-whelming to me! My supervisor was (admittedly) astonished by my inability to keep up with everyday little tasks... I had a fairly accurate conception of my problem at the time, ironically, and she seemed to flat out refuse my explanation, but maybe I am defensively remembering this. Either way, she made it clear that she thought the type of work environment I was in did not suit me. I was pretty upset, because I absolutely loved working with clients and even writing session notes (that were well thought-out). The thing is, I think it is stupendously lame that my issue had to come to that. I mean, I think possibly people like me should be in that profession, because I honestly enjoy working with people in that way, and I care about their lives and who they are and whether or not they get better. Is there really anything more important than that? I suppose I was given an answer to this question, and that was in the form of a big fat "no"
Paper work is more important I suppose. I learned that a 5 minute response to some dick hole superior was more important than the entirety of a persons life.
Okay, I am exaggerating, but honestly, this was the picture I was starting to get from the standpoint of administration.
I get it the need for paperwork, I really do, but at the end of the day, i could give a fuck less whether or not someone has some unfeeling, unresponsive notion of administrative authority credited to their name.
So maybe I should be doing something else, maybe she was right, maybe I should be devising ways in which I can infiltrate the system and rid of dogmatic assholes like herself.
So I will continue speaking from the place I feel most comfortable, my subjective understanding of the world.
I wonder how it is we've created this notion that subjective responses are inherently biased. Maybe it is just another ill-begotten psycho-suggestion I adopted from the discipline.
I mean, the standards of scientific thinking requires honestly on the part of the speaker, right? I don't see how I can honestly admit I understand a god damned thing about the world. If I were to assume I know any thing at all (well when it "comes down to it") then I would be in the same area with the assholes that run things around here... bureaucratic butt munchers.
Anyways, I came "here" because I realized another thing about myself (as compared to everyone else) that further supports my five year old understanding of the world: I can't fucking do shit like everyone else!
I realize I have dyslexia. Now this isn't a big deal given the latest estimate of the population is guessed to be 20% dyslexic (largely comprised of the unidentified poor folks like me). Anyways, since dyslexia is an umbrella term (most people don't know) I figured I should know where I stand, mostly because I am hoping I can somehow blame it on the 29 years of academic/social damage I have incurred thus far and it turns out, i can! Like so many others (I'm guessing all 5 of my siblings) I was an early read (well, I had a stunted school experience, but by 3rd grade I was obsessed with reading). Being an early reader is what turns 90% of us idiots off to the idea that we could be dyslexic, but hasn't anyone felt like you "learned" differently, or even read differently? Well, I have, and it turns out I have good fucking intuition (just kidding, I should have realized this like way way way sooner).
Anyways, I have no visual memory! None! It doesn't make a ton of sense at first because I'm an artist and I love to draw, but maybe there's a hidden reason for this! I think it is just my short-term working memory, because I can remember visual things from long ago, and sometimes remember passages from books I read days after i initially aim to memorize it. i've always struggled to copy things down--simple things like memorizing and rewriting series of numbers. This must have something to do with comprehension as well, because I can only remember things that I can understand as full ideas or concepts. For instance, two words with seemingly arbitrary meaning will be lost on me immediately, not until I apply meaning, then I have a shot at remembering. This is why symbols and numbers can be so difficult.
It is also the reason I struggle to sit and work in an organized fashion. I always noticed that I was the "messiest" painter despite the fact I felt obsessed with keeping my working space clean. I just simply can't manage having a lot of shit around me at once and multi-task. It is sad because I like to have a lot of objects in my immediate presence, like books that i like, because they feel comforting to me.
I guess that is what it comes down to, thought, the "meaning" of these seemingly arbitrary or mundane things is absolutely essential to create in my mind.
If some dickhole would have noticed my problem 20 years ago, who knows where I would be. I fucking love learning and I am a hard worker. I just suck at weird, everyday tasks that other people don't. I now understand why I struggled so much in the clinical environment with all those "little notes" and emails. They were over-whelming to me! My supervisor was (admittedly) astonished by my inability to keep up with everyday little tasks... I had a fairly accurate conception of my problem at the time, ironically, and she seemed to flat out refuse my explanation, but maybe I am defensively remembering this. Either way, she made it clear that she thought the type of work environment I was in did not suit me. I was pretty upset, because I absolutely loved working with clients and even writing session notes (that were well thought-out). The thing is, I think it is stupendously lame that my issue had to come to that. I mean, I think possibly people like me should be in that profession, because I honestly enjoy working with people in that way, and I care about their lives and who they are and whether or not they get better. Is there really anything more important than that? I suppose I was given an answer to this question, and that was in the form of a big fat "no"
Paper work is more important I suppose. I learned that a 5 minute response to some dick hole superior was more important than the entirety of a persons life.
Okay, I am exaggerating, but honestly, this was the picture I was starting to get from the standpoint of administration.
I get it the need for paperwork, I really do, but at the end of the day, i could give a fuck less whether or not someone has some unfeeling, unresponsive notion of administrative authority credited to their name.
So maybe I should be doing something else, maybe she was right, maybe I should be devising ways in which I can infiltrate the system and rid of dogmatic assholes like herself.