Fear
Fear immobilises. Fear overwhelms. Fear breaks your self-respect. Fear devastates. Fear causes what you fear the most to take hold, sink deep into your pores, and ruins your life. I lived in fear for 24 years. Ive lived away from fear for one year and 3 months. Living away from fear is so much better. It is less exciting, less exhilerating, less devastating. sometimes I miss some of the ways I used to escape from my fear. I do NOT miss the fear at all. I do NOT miss being demeaned daily. I do not miss being treated like a burden. Sometimes, yes, I trap myself in the fear that what I have now will become the kind of dominating, emotionally destructive relationship I had before. I now realise, it won't. Learning to trust after having everyone I trusted break my heart has been a long, hard, draining journey, but i'm beginning to tust again. I trust my sisters. They were the first people EVER not to cut and run, or tear me down. They never tried to break my spirit. They never told me I was hopeless, even when I felt that I was. They never throw my past mistakes in my face to make me feel incapable of making a decision. Even when they've watched me set myself up for more pain, they have supported me, cried with me, fought with me, fought for me, laughed with me. My sisters are the first family, I ever really had. the first people I ever really trusted. The first people to demonstrate anything even approaching unconditionial love. My sisters are survivors, all of them. They have such amazing strength, and such caring hearts. I am so incredily lucky to have my sisters. i'm learning to try to trust my s/o in the same way I trust my sisters. Thank you to my sisters for teaching me that not everyone I love is out to destroy me, and remake me in their image. Thank you, my sisters for teaching me to believe that I am not irreperably damaged. Thank you for telling me that I was worthy of respect, when I didn't even respect myself. I know there are times I have not done what you would have done, or said what you wanted me to say. Thank you for accepting me, supporting me, and even loving me, flaws and all. Thank you for letting me display my flaws and gifts, and feel that niether one determined in it's entirety how you thought/felt about me. thank you for letting me be strong enough to be weak. funny, this post really didn't go where I thought it was going, but you know what...it went someplace better. I hope my sisters never top eing who they are, ecause, in truth, that's why I love them...ecause they are not me, but love me anyway.