gone

[redfreakt]

everything's gone. everything that i once thought was anything. it's sick to think that he was my definition of everything. i never thought that i'd say it about one person, but he was it. on my mind 24/7, wondering how he was, what he was doing, who he was with, just if he was happy. i didn't care if i was on his mind, him being in my head was enough. the way he looked at me, the way he made me feel when we were in his bed. the way his family was so nonchalant when i walked in the door, like i belonged there. but then i read too much into what we had and expected more than i deserved and went to far and made him leave. and then thinking back on everything, i never really had him in the first place. i made myself believe that i could trust him, that i could be with him and he would be with me and only me. and then when i heard him answer "i don't know what this is, this thing that we have together." i knew that something was going to change that day. And god did it ever. it's over, and i need to heal

i don't know how to heal though. i don't know how to make myself feel good about myself again. i don't know what to do and it kills me. i don't need anyone's help this time, i need to find out for myself.