i grew my backbone today... it's now broken in pieces in the trunk of my car...
i think it's safe to say that 
Tom really does hate me now.
yes, i did go talk to him today... didn't go any better than i had expected...
he laid the guilt... told me "he'd change"...
blah blah blah... (not that i don't care... i do...)
i don't know what he was expecting me to say, but i guess i didn't say what he wanted to hear...
i stayed strong... stuck to my guns... almost broke... *CRACK* fuck, there it goes...
"what if?" "what if?" "what if?" "what if?" "what if?" "what the FUCK if???
i'm researching. i'm doubting. going over the questions, all over again. like a tattered record.
i took everyone's advice... "tell him how you really feel"... i waited until i was sure of myself, that my head was in the right place... but my heart wanted to reach out and hold him tonight... i made the decision. grew the balls. i told him what i felt. and he turned away. he turned away... just what i knew would happen...
i don't know. i feel worse now than i did before. if that's even possible. i knew this would happen. i knew it. and that's why i kept putting it off. but i couldn't do that anymore. i couldn't... so i went... and now look at the bigger hole i have put myself in.
he doesn't understand. he couldn't possibly understand. he told me he didn't understand. and that hurt.
now what happens?
****************************************
i'm up at
Nicole and
Mike's. it's hot up here. supposed to be hotter tomorrow... grrrrr... oh well. at least i got a freon charge for my car AC today... like ice, i tell you... mmmmm FREON...
i've been kinda peeved all day. even before i went to
Tom's. i didn't get to talk to who i wanted to talk to... maybe tomorrow [later today]...
i think i'm [still] dying. slowly. ouch.
Tom really does hate me now.
yes, i did go talk to him today... didn't go any better than i had expected...
he laid the guilt... told me "he'd change"...
blah blah blah... (not that i don't care... i do...)
i don't know what he was expecting me to say, but i guess i didn't say what he wanted to hear...
i stayed strong... stuck to my guns... almost broke... *CRACK* fuck, there it goes...
"what if?" "what if?" "what if?" "what if?" "what if?" "what the FUCK if???
i'm researching. i'm doubting. going over the questions, all over again. like a tattered record.
i took everyone's advice... "tell him how you really feel"... i waited until i was sure of myself, that my head was in the right place... but my heart wanted to reach out and hold him tonight... i made the decision. grew the balls. i told him what i felt. and he turned away. he turned away... just what i knew would happen...
i don't know. i feel worse now than i did before. if that's even possible. i knew this would happen. i knew it. and that's why i kept putting it off. but i couldn't do that anymore. i couldn't... so i went... and now look at the bigger hole i have put myself in.
he doesn't understand. he couldn't possibly understand. he told me he didn't understand. and that hurt.
now what happens?
****************************************
i'm up at
Nicole and
Mike's. it's hot up here. supposed to be hotter tomorrow... grrrrr... oh well. at least i got a freon charge for my car AC today... like ice, i tell you... mmmmm FREON...
i've been kinda peeved all day. even before i went to
Tom's. i didn't get to talk to who i wanted to talk to... maybe tomorrow [later today]...
i think i'm [still] dying. slowly. ouch.