Dear Anonymous and Everyone Else:
Last night was absolutely terrible. Never go to bed mad because you may never wake up and have the chance to make up. But, whatever 'whoever' is trying to accomplish here, isn't going to work. Josh and I don't doubt anything and NO ONE has the right to say one single word about our relationship. No one knows, has even the Slightest clue how things are between us/how we are together. No one got that chance. The time we were always waiting for had horrific timing and everyone we cared about (friendwise only) either got hurt, couldn't see us together, or bailed on us because of pre-judgement. Even after A YEAR, yes, it has been that long already, everyone still has their jaded opinions on it all, and that's fine to an extent, but not without giving it all a chance and fair hearing first. But that's not what I'm out to get...anyone who is no longer around, doesn't deserve to be around Now. And I believe the people who Are still around, wouldn't say such terrible things because they Know how it is, and it Isn't like That. Whatever that may be.
I understand that under the circumstances, we had it coming. We were going to hurt others, get hurt ourselves, and get scrutinized and publicly ridiculed...but that is the chance we both knowingly took. We wouldn't have done it blindly. I agonised over everything for a very very long time. No one knows how I felt for Josh the day I met him. No one was around or if they were, seems to remember THAT time period...Everyone just seems to remember last summer. However, this was no fling, it was already years in the making. It wasn't something that just happened over summer, it was something that had happened one May going on six years ago now. Yes, there was a while there where Josh and I weren't that close any longer because of Other things, but that is neither here nor there. The point is, no one knows anything about any body else's relationships...there are always extenuating circumstances, things that happen between two sole people and no one else will ever EVER understand that connection. I feel I shouldn't have to explain our relationship at all, it is no one's business how it came about or what that something is between us that we both believe in so strongly. This is how it was meant to be, the timing just wasn't great and Everyone else are the ones that need to grow up and see that...put down your walls and shields and understand that sometimes THINGS JUST HAPPEN. Why everyone else still cares, I have NO IDEA...this is OUR LIVES AND OURS ONLY NOW.
I also don't believe I should have to explain Myself to anyone, but I just feel I have to say: No, none of you understand me. And if you think you do, it's a shallow belief with no grounds. None of you know who I Truly am, just a shadow of a girl you Thought you knew exteriorally in high school, or met a couple times in awkward situations once upon a time. That's it. None of you took the time. And I didn't offer it either. When I moved here, it was very hard on me and I had a lot of rough things to get over. I had grown into someone I didn't even know, a thorny outside I didn't even know how to approach because I let evil things in this world get to me. I kept myself at a distance from every person I met. Every one that actually tried to befriend me. I eventually let my guard down and became inseperable to a girl I Now and sadly, no longer know. Then I met Josh. He was the first person I was Ever able to talk to, open up to. No one knows how that all started and how that felt. I kept it for a time, even from my best friend. Josh and I became best friends, just in a different way. We kept coming into eachother's lives in little chance ways and I struggled with years of trying to ignore it, telling myself none of it meant anything, etc etc. He became someone else I tried to distance myself from because I was afraid of how close we were getting. I wasn't used to it and it scared me. I made many years of scared feelings and rough decisions for myself. Those years were very rocky for me personally on many many levels. So anyone who thought that they knew me then, actually didn't and wouldn't know me today. We all put on facades, I just grew not knowing what was actually real. Well, I am a very different person now.
The past year succeeded my rest in being the hardest and most painful. I lost relatives and in turn, my mom and step-dad split up, my mom went through. and still is, a lot of terrible things, there have been many many problems with my immediate family, I feel I no longer have a brother, that all has been hard enough on me because no one knows my Family either...My brother may have tried to fool everyone and brought a lot of bad attention on himself, but that shouldn't reflect on myself and definitely not on my mother. We have been through enough without his new antics every changing day. I obviously had a huge change of serious relationships. I in many ways lost someone I came to care about most in the world, someone who actually Does know me and my life and what I'm going through. Someone that became family to me. I hate to drag him into more of this drama, but we Do still try and hold on to all that we can and no one will ever understand that relationship either. Others may have seen a hurt and dying shell, but when someone truly is that hurt, a lot happens and a lot is said, but unless you are one of the immediate people involved, you usually don't know even half of the Real story. No one ever will and simply being friends or acquaintences gives no one the right to believe they know what happened then or what happens now. True friends don't get so defensive and protective over falsities. They take the time to hear the whole thing.
A lot more has happened that I'm not going to bother getting into. This whole thing was going to say I shouldn't have to explain my life or own up to anyone. It is My business. No one should judge me so harshly when no one even knows who I am. I only went into detail because I'm tired of the misconstrued stories, the rumours, the negativity, the judging and bashing.
Someone out there thinks they Really know me...Enough to call me Kitty, which no one does anymore...only one person really. Enough to go into detail about how stupid I apparently am. Enough to know my brother and think that makes me the same kind of person. Enough to know my last name...which by the way is O'CorrAIn...and I no longer am under anyway. Enough to think they know what happened between me and Josh and to know ex's names and a detail of an old relationship. Enough to have the nerve to think I am doing Anything behind Josh's back and vice versa. Enough to use PERSONAL jabs and remarks at me.
All I want to know is who thinks they have the right to do this? Who thinks it's ok to comment to Josh but turns it all on ME? Who thinks it's ok to criticise someone they don't even know in such a cruel, yet cowardly way? What have I done to You? Just tell me that.
I understand that under the circumstances, we had it coming. We were going to hurt others, get hurt ourselves, and get scrutinized and publicly ridiculed...but that is the chance we both knowingly took. We wouldn't have done it blindly. I agonised over everything for a very very long time. No one knows how I felt for Josh the day I met him. No one was around or if they were, seems to remember THAT time period...Everyone just seems to remember last summer. However, this was no fling, it was already years in the making. It wasn't something that just happened over summer, it was something that had happened one May going on six years ago now. Yes, there was a while there where Josh and I weren't that close any longer because of Other things, but that is neither here nor there. The point is, no one knows anything about any body else's relationships...there are always extenuating circumstances, things that happen between two sole people and no one else will ever EVER understand that connection. I feel I shouldn't have to explain our relationship at all, it is no one's business how it came about or what that something is between us that we both believe in so strongly. This is how it was meant to be, the timing just wasn't great and Everyone else are the ones that need to grow up and see that...put down your walls and shields and understand that sometimes THINGS JUST HAPPEN. Why everyone else still cares, I have NO IDEA...this is OUR LIVES AND OURS ONLY NOW.
I also don't believe I should have to explain Myself to anyone, but I just feel I have to say: No, none of you understand me. And if you think you do, it's a shallow belief with no grounds. None of you know who I Truly am, just a shadow of a girl you Thought you knew exteriorally in high school, or met a couple times in awkward situations once upon a time. That's it. None of you took the time. And I didn't offer it either. When I moved here, it was very hard on me and I had a lot of rough things to get over. I had grown into someone I didn't even know, a thorny outside I didn't even know how to approach because I let evil things in this world get to me. I kept myself at a distance from every person I met. Every one that actually tried to befriend me. I eventually let my guard down and became inseperable to a girl I Now and sadly, no longer know. Then I met Josh. He was the first person I was Ever able to talk to, open up to. No one knows how that all started and how that felt. I kept it for a time, even from my best friend. Josh and I became best friends, just in a different way. We kept coming into eachother's lives in little chance ways and I struggled with years of trying to ignore it, telling myself none of it meant anything, etc etc. He became someone else I tried to distance myself from because I was afraid of how close we were getting. I wasn't used to it and it scared me. I made many years of scared feelings and rough decisions for myself. Those years were very rocky for me personally on many many levels. So anyone who thought that they knew me then, actually didn't and wouldn't know me today. We all put on facades, I just grew not knowing what was actually real. Well, I am a very different person now.
The past year succeeded my rest in being the hardest and most painful. I lost relatives and in turn, my mom and step-dad split up, my mom went through. and still is, a lot of terrible things, there have been many many problems with my immediate family, I feel I no longer have a brother, that all has been hard enough on me because no one knows my Family either...My brother may have tried to fool everyone and brought a lot of bad attention on himself, but that shouldn't reflect on myself and definitely not on my mother. We have been through enough without his new antics every changing day. I obviously had a huge change of serious relationships. I in many ways lost someone I came to care about most in the world, someone who actually Does know me and my life and what I'm going through. Someone that became family to me. I hate to drag him into more of this drama, but we Do still try and hold on to all that we can and no one will ever understand that relationship either. Others may have seen a hurt and dying shell, but when someone truly is that hurt, a lot happens and a lot is said, but unless you are one of the immediate people involved, you usually don't know even half of the Real story. No one ever will and simply being friends or acquaintences gives no one the right to believe they know what happened then or what happens now. True friends don't get so defensive and protective over falsities. They take the time to hear the whole thing.
A lot more has happened that I'm not going to bother getting into. This whole thing was going to say I shouldn't have to explain my life or own up to anyone. It is My business. No one should judge me so harshly when no one even knows who I am. I only went into detail because I'm tired of the misconstrued stories, the rumours, the negativity, the judging and bashing.
Someone out there thinks they Really know me...Enough to call me Kitty, which no one does anymore...only one person really. Enough to go into detail about how stupid I apparently am. Enough to know my brother and think that makes me the same kind of person. Enough to know my last name...which by the way is O'CorrAIn...and I no longer am under anyway. Enough to think they know what happened between me and Josh and to know ex's names and a detail of an old relationship. Enough to have the nerve to think I am doing Anything behind Josh's back and vice versa. Enough to use PERSONAL jabs and remarks at me.
All I want to know is who thinks they have the right to do this? Who thinks it's ok to comment to Josh but turns it all on ME? Who thinks it's ok to criticise someone they don't even know in such a cruel, yet cowardly way? What have I done to You? Just tell me that.