Oh my gosh...
I just found this. I'm pretty sure it's part of George W. Bush's second inguration speech that I revised back in the day... any ways. Check out how much of a liberal asshole I was/still am.
Vice President Cheney (The Lord and Supreme Being of the United States), Mr. Chief Justice, President Carter (Gosh, you're old!), President Bush, President Clinton (Snort, how can you smoke a joint but not inhale?), members of the United States Congress, reverend clergy, distinguished guests, fellow citizens:
On this day, prescribed by law and marked by ceremony (that is costing more money than we have any right to spend), we celebrate the durable wisdom of our Constitution and recall the deep commitments that unite our country. I am grateful for the honor of this hour, mindful of the consequential times in which we live and determined to fulfill the oath that I have sworn and you have witnessed (Yes, you are all offically screwed).
At this second gathering, our duties are defined not by the words I use (because I don't even understand them), but by the history we have seen together. For a half-century, America defended our own freedom by standing watch on distant borders (Even when they don't want us there). After the shipwreck of communism came years of relative quiet, years of repose, years of sabbatical -- and then there came a day of fire (I will never make a speech without referancing 9-11, EVER!).
We have seen our vulnerability, and we have seen its deepest source. For as long as whole regions of the world simmer in resentment and tyranny (Ooo, long words!) -- prone to ideologies that feed hatred and excuse murder -- violence will gather, and multiply in destructive power, and cross the most defended borders and raise a mortal threat (Ah-ha, terrorism in fancy language!).
There is only one force of history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment and expose the pretensions of tyrants and reward the hopes of the decent and tolerant. And that is the force of human freedom (In other words, America will go in and kick some foreign dude's ass).
We are led, by events and common sense, to one conclusion: The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of liberty in other lands (which are miles away from us, have no weapons of mass destruction, and are a major source of oil!) . The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of freedom in all the world.
America's vital interests and our deepest beliefs are now one. From the day of our founding, we have proclaimed that every man and woman on this Earth has rights (Well, there was that hundred year period of slavery and women weren't allowed to vote until 1921, but hey!), and dignity and matchless value because they bear the image of the maker of heaven and Earth (God referance number one, TAKE THAT ATHEISTS!).
Across the generations, we have proclaimed the imperative of self-government, because no one is fit to be a master, and no one deserves to be a slave (Imperialism = bad). Advancing these ideals is the mission that created our nation. It is the honorable achievement of our fathers. Now it is the urgent requirement of our nation's security and the calling of our time.
So it is the policy of the United States to seek and support the growth of democratic movements and institutions in every nation and culture, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world (Wait, doesn't that sound a lot like parentialism? -shrug- Wait, what does that mean?).
This is not primarily the task of arms, though we will defend ourselves and our friends by force of arms when necessary (When Necessary = Most of the time Okay, okay, all the time). Freedom, by its nature, must be chosen and defended by citizens (of their nation, not us) and sustained by the rule of law and the protection of minorities. And when the soul of a nation finally speaks, the institutions that arise may reflect customs and traditions very different from our own (But we don't like that).
America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling (any more). Our goal instead is to help others find their own voice, attain their own freedom and make their own way (while we bomb the shit out of them).
The great objective of ending tyranny is the concentrated work of generations. The difficulty of the task is no excuse for avoiding it. America's influence is not unlimited (Wait, does that even make sense?), but fortunately for the oppressed, America's influence is considerable (Muah ha ha), and we will use it confidently in freedom's cause.
My most solemn duty is to protect this nation and its people from further attacks and emerging threats (even ones that do not esixt). Some have unwisely chosen to test America's resolve and have found it firm.
We will persistently clarify the choice before every ruler and every nation (and then procede to not care about thier choice) -- the moral choice between oppression, which is always wrong, and freedom, which is eternally right. America will not pretend that jailed dissidents prefer their chains, or that women welcome humiliation and servitude or that any human being aspires to live at the mercy of bullies.
We will encourage reform in other governments by making clear that success in our relations will require the decent treatment of their own people. America's belief in human dignity will guide our policies (yet, if they're gay, NO WAY ARE THEY GETTING ANY RIGHTS!). Yet, rights must be more than the grudging concessions of dictators; they are secured by free dissent and the participation of the governed. In the long run, there is no justice without freedom, and there can be no human rights (Unless you're gay) without human liberty.
Some, I know, have questioned the global appeal of liberty -- though this time in history, four decades defined by the swiftest advance of freedom ever seen, is an odd time for doubt. Americans, of all people, should never be surprised by the power of our ideals (After all, you elected me.). Eventually, the call of freedom comes to every mind and every soul. We do not accept the existence of permanent tyranny because we do not accept the possibility of permanent slavery. Liberty will come to those who love it.
Today, America speaks anew to the peoples of the world:
All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for your liberty, we will stand with you (and bomb the shit out of your land).
Democratic reformers facing repression, prison or exile can know: America sees you for who you are -- the future leaders of your free country (and our future bitches).
The rulers of outlaw regimes can know that we still believe as Abraham Lincoln did: "Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves; and, under the rule of a just God, cannot long retain it."
The leaders of governments with long habits of control need to know: To serve your people you must learn to trust them. Start on this journey of progress and justice, and America will walk at your side (or we'll come in and kick your ass, unwelcomed).
And all the allies of the United States can know: We honor your friendship, we rely on your counsel, and we depend on your help (Actually... do we even care? Well, atleast we get a kick out of you thinking you can help us). Division among free nations is a primary goal of freedom's enemies. The concerted effort of free nations to promote democracy is a prelude to our enemies' defeat.
Today, I also speak anew to my fellow citizens:
From all of you, I have asked patience in the hard task of securing America, which you have granted in good measure (and all others have been shut up). Our country has accepted obligations that are difficult to fulfill and would be dishonorable to abandon. Yet because we have acted in the great liberating tradition of this nation, tens of millions have achieved their freedom.
And as hope kindles hope, millions more will find it. By our efforts, we have lit a fire as well -- a fire in the minds of men (but not gays or woman!). It warms those who feel its power, it burns those who fight its progress, and one day this untamed fire of freedom will reach the darkest corners of our world. (Ooo... poetic!)
A few Americans have accepted the hardest duties in this cause -- in the quiet work of intelligence and diplomacy ... (what was next again?) the idealistic work of helping raise up free governments ... (what comes next?) the dangerous and necessary work of fighting our enemies. Some have shown their devotion to our country in deaths that honored their whole lives, and we will always honor their names and their sacrifice (and we're sorry that they didn't have to be over there in the first place)....
And that's all I wrote.
Vice President Cheney (The Lord and Supreme Being of the United States), Mr. Chief Justice, President Carter (Gosh, you're old!), President Bush, President Clinton (Snort, how can you smoke a joint but not inhale?), members of the United States Congress, reverend clergy, distinguished guests, fellow citizens:
On this day, prescribed by law and marked by ceremony (that is costing more money than we have any right to spend), we celebrate the durable wisdom of our Constitution and recall the deep commitments that unite our country. I am grateful for the honor of this hour, mindful of the consequential times in which we live and determined to fulfill the oath that I have sworn and you have witnessed (Yes, you are all offically screwed).
At this second gathering, our duties are defined not by the words I use (because I don't even understand them), but by the history we have seen together. For a half-century, America defended our own freedom by standing watch on distant borders (Even when they don't want us there). After the shipwreck of communism came years of relative quiet, years of repose, years of sabbatical -- and then there came a day of fire (I will never make a speech without referancing 9-11, EVER!).
We have seen our vulnerability, and we have seen its deepest source. For as long as whole regions of the world simmer in resentment and tyranny (Ooo, long words!) -- prone to ideologies that feed hatred and excuse murder -- violence will gather, and multiply in destructive power, and cross the most defended borders and raise a mortal threat (Ah-ha, terrorism in fancy language!).
There is only one force of history that can break the reign of hatred and resentment and expose the pretensions of tyrants and reward the hopes of the decent and tolerant. And that is the force of human freedom (In other words, America will go in and kick some foreign dude's ass).
We are led, by events and common sense, to one conclusion: The survival of liberty in our land increasingly depends on the success of liberty in other lands (which are miles away from us, have no weapons of mass destruction, and are a major source of oil!) . The best hope for peace in our world is the expansion of freedom in all the world.
America's vital interests and our deepest beliefs are now one. From the day of our founding, we have proclaimed that every man and woman on this Earth has rights (Well, there was that hundred year period of slavery and women weren't allowed to vote until 1921, but hey!), and dignity and matchless value because they bear the image of the maker of heaven and Earth (God referance number one, TAKE THAT ATHEISTS!).
Across the generations, we have proclaimed the imperative of self-government, because no one is fit to be a master, and no one deserves to be a slave (Imperialism = bad). Advancing these ideals is the mission that created our nation. It is the honorable achievement of our fathers. Now it is the urgent requirement of our nation's security and the calling of our time.
So it is the policy of the United States to seek and support the growth of democratic movements and institutions in every nation and culture, with the ultimate goal of ending tyranny in our world (Wait, doesn't that sound a lot like parentialism? -shrug- Wait, what does that mean?).
This is not primarily the task of arms, though we will defend ourselves and our friends by force of arms when necessary (When Necessary = Most of the time Okay, okay, all the time). Freedom, by its nature, must be chosen and defended by citizens (of their nation, not us) and sustained by the rule of law and the protection of minorities. And when the soul of a nation finally speaks, the institutions that arise may reflect customs and traditions very different from our own (But we don't like that).
America will not impose our own style of government on the unwilling (any more). Our goal instead is to help others find their own voice, attain their own freedom and make their own way (while we bomb the shit out of them).
The great objective of ending tyranny is the concentrated work of generations. The difficulty of the task is no excuse for avoiding it. America's influence is not unlimited (Wait, does that even make sense?), but fortunately for the oppressed, America's influence is considerable (Muah ha ha), and we will use it confidently in freedom's cause.
My most solemn duty is to protect this nation and its people from further attacks and emerging threats (even ones that do not esixt). Some have unwisely chosen to test America's resolve and have found it firm.
We will persistently clarify the choice before every ruler and every nation (and then procede to not care about thier choice) -- the moral choice between oppression, which is always wrong, and freedom, which is eternally right. America will not pretend that jailed dissidents prefer their chains, or that women welcome humiliation and servitude or that any human being aspires to live at the mercy of bullies.
We will encourage reform in other governments by making clear that success in our relations will require the decent treatment of their own people. America's belief in human dignity will guide our policies (yet, if they're gay, NO WAY ARE THEY GETTING ANY RIGHTS!). Yet, rights must be more than the grudging concessions of dictators; they are secured by free dissent and the participation of the governed. In the long run, there is no justice without freedom, and there can be no human rights (Unless you're gay) without human liberty.
Some, I know, have questioned the global appeal of liberty -- though this time in history, four decades defined by the swiftest advance of freedom ever seen, is an odd time for doubt. Americans, of all people, should never be surprised by the power of our ideals (After all, you elected me.). Eventually, the call of freedom comes to every mind and every soul. We do not accept the existence of permanent tyranny because we do not accept the possibility of permanent slavery. Liberty will come to those who love it.
Today, America speaks anew to the peoples of the world:
All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: The United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for your liberty, we will stand with you (and bomb the shit out of your land).
Democratic reformers facing repression, prison or exile can know: America sees you for who you are -- the future leaders of your free country (and our future bitches).
The rulers of outlaw regimes can know that we still believe as Abraham Lincoln did: "Those who deny freedom to others deserve it not for themselves; and, under the rule of a just God, cannot long retain it."
The leaders of governments with long habits of control need to know: To serve your people you must learn to trust them. Start on this journey of progress and justice, and America will walk at your side (or we'll come in and kick your ass, unwelcomed).
And all the allies of the United States can know: We honor your friendship, we rely on your counsel, and we depend on your help (Actually... do we even care? Well, atleast we get a kick out of you thinking you can help us). Division among free nations is a primary goal of freedom's enemies. The concerted effort of free nations to promote democracy is a prelude to our enemies' defeat.
Today, I also speak anew to my fellow citizens:
From all of you, I have asked patience in the hard task of securing America, which you have granted in good measure (and all others have been shut up). Our country has accepted obligations that are difficult to fulfill and would be dishonorable to abandon. Yet because we have acted in the great liberating tradition of this nation, tens of millions have achieved their freedom.
And as hope kindles hope, millions more will find it. By our efforts, we have lit a fire as well -- a fire in the minds of men (but not gays or woman!). It warms those who feel its power, it burns those who fight its progress, and one day this untamed fire of freedom will reach the darkest corners of our world. (Ooo... poetic!)
A few Americans have accepted the hardest duties in this cause -- in the quiet work of intelligence and diplomacy ... (what was next again?) the idealistic work of helping raise up free governments ... (what comes next?) the dangerous and necessary work of fighting our enemies. Some have shown their devotion to our country in deaths that honored their whole lives, and we will always honor their names and their sacrifice (and we're sorry that they didn't have to be over there in the first place)....
And that's all I wrote.