Hurting Again
Not me. Though I can't help it. I wish I could. I wish my capacity for empathy came with a light switch. One month. Not even that. One lost to crazy and another wrongfully blamed for the faults of others. The mentally deceased, I had little contact with. The story tells us how he collected logs late one night and transported them upstairs to the office where they belong only to find the door to the office was locked. This caused him to snap, throwing the logs down a flight of stairs and unsheathing his knife to stare menacingly at anyone passing by. The MAs arrested him. He was flown off the next day and is spending his time in Balboa Hospital's psych ward. Another nuke lost to sheer crazy. The second story involves a friend. Not close but the closest to a friend I'd say I really have here. He used to be my chief before I left the plant and began working in TPL. My life sucked before he came here. He's a good guy, always said he wanted to stay in the full 20 years and retire, and even qualified a lot and quick; a huge asset to the Navy in many ways. A few of the people who work for him have been screwing up lately though. Not in any way that he can affect though. In fact, it is somebody else's job entirely to discipline these people in these matters. Still, they fired him from being a plant chief. I know it doesn't sound that bad, but this can easily affect his career. All because they needed a scape goat. Or feel like they need one. I want to scream. I want to kill. It's amazing what people will do to someone else. Not only that but the guy is going through a divorce right now. Horrible timing. But what can anyone do? I want to hurt people for just acquiescing to this in complete reticence but what can they do? What could I do? I hate this place. I hate that anyone, anywhere is allowed to get away with anything like this. I hate that before I ever came into this hell, this institution, this "Chikai" Bardo, this samsara, I had only heard of one person who tried to kill themself (I barely knew her) and nobody who just went nuts. Now, I can count 3 people who tried to kill themselves, 1 who succeded, and 3 who just went nuts. Besides 2 of the people who went nuts, I knew all of them personally. I hate that. In any case, Iv'e seen to many damned injustices in the one place that should uphold something greater. Something worth fighting for... ha! Fighting what? I sit at (well "rove") the bottom of the boat all day. We do circles in the middle of the ocean. I saw us bomb something once. They played us a tape of it. The bomb hit it's target and everyone cheered. I wanted to cry. I don't know what we hit or what I was a part of. I hate my life for all these reasons. My job owns my life. I wish it didn't. I wish I could live for myself. I'm trying to as much as I can. I starting studying some immunology online as well as my bio book. I am a couple chapters, well apendix like things, away from finishing House of Leaves. I wish someone could tell me everyone would be alright. Where's that switch?
PS up to 113... correction 114.
PS up to 113... correction 114.