Empty Hearted Longing
It seems as though the 23rd will never come! Ugh! It should be here by now. I should be on my plane, heading for my love's arms. For my wife's arms! This is going to be the first christmas we spend together! I'm so excited! Though.... I'm lacking on the present thing right about now and the ever important time to go looking. I have quite a few ideas, but none that make me feel as though I tried hard enough. I'm racking my brain like a madman, but we all know how I get when I do that.... the more I think, the less effective that thinking becomes. Oh well. It'll come to me. I'm sure of it. If all else fails, I have two ideas that will come pretty darn close to perfect. It just doesn't seem right to me though. She deserves perfect! Hell... I should just get her herself. :-p Damn, I'm corny. Truthful... but corny none-the-less. :-D
So, people keep asking me how married life is treating me and whatnot. Here is my official response: shitty! It's been a week and one day, most of which was not spent with my wife! I should be with her. She should be here, in my arms, every night. Every morning should be spent waking to her beauty. That's how my day should begin. But, no. It's spent feeling alone, tired, hugry, and ultimately lazy, which just amplifies the other three. So yeah.... shitty. But! But, I do go to sleep knowing that Erikka loves me, that she is mine, that I have not only found love, but found my love, the one I know could be overshadowed by none in my heart. That is the greatest feeling this man has ever felt. I say man tentatively, but I do because of the way she makes me feel. I think I'm stuck at a boy-man impass that I hope never to overcome. I tuely belive many of you will see a big change in me if you have yet to. Not so much in how I act, but how I take care of important issues, my responsibility, perhaps I'll seem less nieve even. I know less about what it takes to live on your own than I ever cared to admit to myself. Erikka makes me want to know... to be able to take care of anything and everything for us. She pretty much knows everything though. I just want to know it too. So if we ever have to do it again, or whatever, I can help her. I try now and help with some things, but most... I have little to no clue about. I wish my memory wasnt so bad as well. I truely am starting tothink there is something wrong with me. Well, not wrong, but something that impedes my ability to remember over a short period of time. I have a great long term memory, once I instill that memory into my head. I made sure to do that with mine and Erikka's first dates.
I know Im rambling now, so take it as just that. I sometimes wish I were more. Not in terms of what I have, but who I am and what I know. I've just felt inadequate a few times lately. Not for any reason in particular either. I just get wierd about things I shouldnt get wierd about or say things that I don't know why I say. I find that in myself, I am a very optomistic person. Then I hear myself speak and it comes out all wrong. I truely belive that I have a devil's advocate mentality embeded in myself somehow.
I also realize how little I have done in life. It seems a little sad to me too. I want to get out and see everything with my wife. I want Erikka to show me everything. I fear there is little i could ever show her. That saddens me a little too. I don't believe myself capable of being fascinating. She, my wife, fascinates me to no extreme. I could listen to her talk for hours on end. I often have. But me.... I couldnt even think of what to say about myself or my knowledge that could even fill an hour. I know she loves me more than anything. I do. Trust me I do. Its the best feeling I've ever felt. I just want to repay her for it. I want to give her everything because she feels I'm everything to her. I want to make her feel beautiful when she wakes up every morning, show her everything she was ever curious to see, bring her love and support though everything she'd ever need me for. I probably havent tried hard enough yet..... but, you know..... that's changing right now. I love this woman more than anyone could ever imagine! So much so, that just thinking about it overwhelms me to tears. Its funny, because I'm not trying to be poetic. As I wrote 'I love this woman more than anyone could ever imagine' I actually got teary eyed. lol.... wow. I am definitely luckier than I know.
Erikka.... I love you. If I could say it differently to express the magnitude I feel when I say it, I would. I'm sure you will see it in my eyes the next time we are together. I love you. You are my wife, which means you are my life, my lover, my soul, who cares if I have one you are it.
Well... Im on the phone with Erikka now so Im going to go. I love you Erikka!!!!!!!!!!!!!