Sanity. Fact or fiction?
I wonder about myself sometimes. I wonder where these newfound dreams I've rarely enjoyed over my life have come from. I dream regularly now it seems. I think I've mentioned this once before. It's odd and mildly entertaining (in an "I have no other life" kinda way).
This has been going on for about the last month and a half. Almost every night I wake up from some rather vivid dream or another. Most are highly innocuous and benign. One might have almost qualified as a nightmare (John McCain was gaming with my RPG group for some reason. And he was good, too).
But one bothered me a lot and suggests that I still have some unresolved issues surrounding my last relationship.
The details are mostly fuzzy now but it was basically me placing myself at the mercy of my last girlfriend (more than half of you know who she is) and attempting to restart that relationship. She accepted and the emotion was overwhelming.
Two parts bother me. That I would place myself at her mercy instead of as an equal implies that part of me feels I was solely responsible for our breakup. Academically I know why we broke up. Emotionally I wonder if I've got some amazing blinders on.
The other part is how wonderful and powerful her acceptance of me was. It was as if she was the only thing I could base my self-image on and her acceptance created and validated my worth.
It was so strong I actually woke up with tears on my face.
I'd like to think I've long since gotten over that relationship. And while I've reached out a couple of times recently with what she's going through with family I'm not holding my breath that she'll suddenly decide I'm an OK guy again.
Maybe I'm not over it. Maybe there's something else I haven't resolved. I just wish I knew what it was so I could deal with it and get on with my life.
This has been going on for about the last month and a half. Almost every night I wake up from some rather vivid dream or another. Most are highly innocuous and benign. One might have almost qualified as a nightmare (John McCain was gaming with my RPG group for some reason. And he was good, too).
But one bothered me a lot and suggests that I still have some unresolved issues surrounding my last relationship.
The details are mostly fuzzy now but it was basically me placing myself at the mercy of my last girlfriend (more than half of you know who she is) and attempting to restart that relationship. She accepted and the emotion was overwhelming.
Two parts bother me. That I would place myself at her mercy instead of as an equal implies that part of me feels I was solely responsible for our breakup. Academically I know why we broke up. Emotionally I wonder if I've got some amazing blinders on.
The other part is how wonderful and powerful her acceptance of me was. It was as if she was the only thing I could base my self-image on and her acceptance created and validated my worth.
It was so strong I actually woke up with tears on my face.
I'd like to think I've long since gotten over that relationship. And while I've reached out a couple of times recently with what she's going through with family I'm not holding my breath that she'll suddenly decide I'm an OK guy again.
Maybe I'm not over it. Maybe there's something else I haven't resolved. I just wish I knew what it was so I could deal with it and get on with my life.