Fic: A Hitch in the Plan
Fic: A Hitch in the Plan
Pairing: Rimmer/Lister
Rating: PG-13
Summary: While being pursued by Lister's GELF bride, the crew end up in the 24th century. In order to get the Kinitawowi off his back, Lister comes up with a plan - he needs to get married in the past to invalidate his GELF marriage. Unfortunately, the only candidate for the wedding is Rimmer.
(Goes AU from somewhere between Blue and Epideme, though several years have passed since that point.)
Notes: This was written for tumblr user what-on-io, who requested fluff. Many many thanks to bayliss for letting me throw ideas at her and helping me figure out plot points. I couldn't have finished it without her help.
Starbug rocked violently from the impact of the blast.
"Smeg!" Rimmer, who had been manning the cockpit, clutched at his console, ducking as sparks flew overhead. The biography of Alexander the Great he had been reading fell to the floor with a thud. Hastily he punched keys, trying to get a visual.
"Rimmer, are you alright? What the hell was that?" Lister demanded, pounding in from the midsection, closely followed by Kryten. He stripped off his leather gloves with his teeth, throwing himself into his chair and switching over to manual to try to get the bucking vehicle under control.
"Someone's attacking us, sir," Kryten said unnecessarily, as they narrowly avoided another shot.
"That's real helpful, Krytes," Lister shouted over the whirr of the engines firing up to max, jerking the steering column. "What I want to know is who's attacking us, and why?"
Rimmer's eyes widened as the information materialized on his screen. "Er, Listy," he began, looking up from his console just in time to be thrown violently backwards into his chair as another shot streaked against Starbug's belly. Winded, he finished, "I think it's your wife."
"What?" Lister groaned. "Not again."
"Again?" Rimmer asked, raising an eyebrow.
"We encountered them once before, sir," Kryten answered as he was tossed into a wall with a thunk by Lister's evasive maneuvers. "When we thought you were dead. It's how we ended up being stuck with Ms. Kochanski." He shot a reproachful look at Lister.
"Alright, Kryten." Lister gritted his teeth as he tried to put distance between themselves and the GELF ship. It had been something of a point of contention since Rimmer had returned, fed up with being a space hero, and all to willing to hand the dimension jump ship over to the stranded Kochanski. It was getting old. "I'm sorry I lied to you about Rimmer being dead. And Kris is back in her own dimension. So let's just drop the subject, alright?"
"Yes," Rimmer agreed, shifting uncomfortably. The last thing he wanted to do was discuss the circumstances of his return. "I don't know about you lads, but I'm less concerned about the whereabouts of Lister's tart and more concerned about why we're still being pursued by his wife. Frankly, I thought the blushing bride would have got the hint when he scarpered on their wedding night."
"Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech does still have a legal claim to Mr Lister," Kryten explained."The Kinitawowi take marriage contracts very seriously."
"Incoming," Rimmer warned, just before another blast shook Starbug from behind.
Lister swore. "I can't shake them."
"There's something up ahead." Kryten pointed at an orangey swirl that was rapidly expanding in the black sky.
Rimmer's narrowed his eyes. "It looks like a time hole."
"It is a time hole."
The GELFs were still firing. "I'm taking her through." Lister announced as he aimed the little green ship for the centre.
"Are you crazy?" Rimmer yelped. "It could end up anywhere. It could end up anywhen!"
They dodged another blast. "No choice." The Kinitawowi were coming up fast behind them. "Hold onto your hats, lads, this is it." Lister gripped the steering column hard as they were sucked into the vortex.
They hurtled through to the other side, unscathed. The blasts went silent. The pursuit had ceased. Lister slumped back in his seat, catching his breath. "Told you I could do it." He turned to grin at Rimmer over his shoulder, delighted when the hologram's lip twitched upwards despite himself, betraying his would-be stern glare.
Rimmer's console beeped faintly. "There's a moon 20 gigooks ahead," he instructed, consulting his screen, glad for the excuse to look away. He hadn't quite got used to the strange friendliness Lister had shown him since his return, and wasn't sure what to make of it. It would be far too easy to take it for something it wasn't. "Looks like it's been terraformed. Head to that."
Lister set the new course. As they approached, a ship hurtled past, a small, sleek craft, clearly new. Then another, this a mid-sized passenger vessel. Then, suddenly, there were more and more: massive ships rivalling Red Dwarf hanging in orbit around the clearly populated rock, and smaller ship-to-surface vessels shuttling back and forth, the busy airspace a hum of activity.
Lister stared in awe at the evidence of humanity all around them. "Where are we?" Kryten pulled up the information.
"It looks like Ganymede, year 2351."
"That's your century, isn't it?" Lister asked.
"Yes sir. I was constructed in 2340. I've never been to Ganymede, but I understand it has quite the reputation."
Curious, remembering an unsuccessful trip to the Ganymede Holiday Inn of several centuries earlier, Lister asked, "Is it still the quickie wedding capital of the solar system?"
"Yes, Mr Lister. In fact," Kryten extended a finger towards to viewscreen, "we're heading straight for the billboard of a wedding chapel now."
"Smeg!" Too late, Lister tried to pull up on the controls, clipping Starbug on the corner of the orbiting sign advertising, "Bob's Wedding Chapel - Ceremonies on Demand - Tie the Knot Today," sending them spinning.
"Watch it!" Rimmer yelped, as his head connected with the wall.
"Sorry!" Lister wrestled the ship back under his control. Straightening it up, he headed for the moon's surface. "Who's up for a few days' planet leave?"
"I could stand to stretch my legs," Rimmer admitted. He'd forgotten just how cramped things could get on Starbug. The Wildfire may have been smaller, but Ace had a lot more opportunity to leave his ship. It was one of the few things he missed about playing space hero, though it had never made up for the increased chances of death. Or the loneliness.
"We could check into a hotel, even," Lister suggested. "Make a proper vacation out of it."
"Something with a jacuzzi," Rimmer ordered.
"Your wish is my command."
"Sirs, We have a problem," Kryten cut in, looking up from the readings he'd been examining. "It appears the time hole is unstable. We only have four hours before it closes again."
Lister swore and Rimmer grimaced. That hotel had been sounding very nice. He heaved a sigh of resignation. "Suggest we land and use the time we have to load up on supplies and make repairs to the ship, then."
Kryten looked impressed. "A superlative suggestion, sir."
"Really?" He hadn't really expected any sort of endorsement of his plan, especially not from the mechanoid, who hadn't entirely forgiven him for coming back seemingly from the dead.
"I'm for it," Lister agreed, focused on their approach. "If I have to eat anymore asteroidal lichen, I'll chuck."
Kryten sniffed, hurt that Mr Lister didn't appreciate his valiant attempts to make something edible from their only abundant food source.
"Out an airlock, if you please," Rimmer said tartly.
"Har har, Rimsy." Lister said, with no heat. "I'm taking her in for a landing."
As he aimed Starbug for an empty lot, the Cat danced into the room. "Hey buds, hey captain nostrils, what's going on?"
"Where have you been, Cat?" Lister demanded.
"What do you mean where have I been? I've been doing my hair. All that turbulence kept wrecking my style. You need some serious flying lessons, gerbil-cheeks." He elbowed his way to his chair at the front of the cockpit.
"We were under attack," Rimmer pointed out in disgust. "You didn't think to come help out?"
"Why would I? They stopped didn't they?" Unconcerned, the Cat took out a hand mirror and proceeded to admire his reflection.
Rolling his eyes, Lister could almost feel Rimmer doing the same behind him.
Kryten took it in hand to explain the situation to the Cat, while Lister engaged the reverse thrusters and brought Starbug to a landing. The ship settled to the ground, kicking up a cloud of dust, and he flicked a switch to shut off the engines. "Alright." He swivelled on his chair. "I'm turning on cloaking. What do we have to pay for supplies?"
---
They spent the next two and a half hours purchasing supplies and carting them back to Starbug. Luckily none of the shots the GELFs had fired had been critical, and they were able to set the self-repair systems to work while they stocked up.
"It occurs to me, gentlemen," said Rimmer, as he, Kryten and Lister carried crates of supplies onboard, the Cat bringing up the rear with a small bag, "that there is a flaw in our plan. When we go back through the time hole, we'll end up in the exact same time and place we were. What's to stop the GELFs from waiting for us and attacking the second we come through?"
Kryten frowned. "Well, absolutely nothing, Mr Rimmer."
"So what? We'll just have to hope they've got bored and left?" Lister asked.
"That's about the shape of it, sir." The mechanoid cringed.
"Even if they have left, won't they just come back another time?" Cat asked.
"Unfortunately, yes. They won't give up until they have Mister Lister back."
"Marvellous. So we're destined to be chased by Lister's in-laws for the rest of our lives." Rimmer palmed open the door to the cargo bay.
"As I said sir, the Kinitawowi take these legal matters very seriously."
Lister set down his burden with a thump. "Hey, I've got an idea. What if I were already married?"
"I think it's a little late for that, Lister," Rimmer pointed out.
"No it's not. We're in the past aren't we? And we're already on Ganymede. All I've got to do is find someone, have a quickie wedding now, and then when we go back into the future, we can say, 'Oops, I was already married, my bad.'"
"It will be three million years in the future. I think they'll consider it a safe bet that you'd be a widower."
"So we bring them back with us," Cat suggested.
Rimmer snorted. "Oh that'll be an easy sell. Come into the future with us, humanity's dead and we're trapped in a floating tin can in deep space. I'm sure we'll have volunteers lining up." He ignored the fact that he himself had given up a life in which he could travel anywhere and to any dimension in favour of returning to live in that tin can.
"You're right," Lister sighed. "Well, it was worth a try."
"It might still work, sir," Kryten offered. "You'll simply have to marry one of us."
"Count me out." The Cat gave a full body shudder. "I'd rather let robo-fingers wax my bikini line than marry you."
"Thanks, man." Lister rolled his eyes. "You're a true pal."
Cat shrugged. "I'm just being honest, bud. I can't waste this perfection on the likes of you."
"I knew it." Rimmer pointed an accusing finger at Kryten. Smug, he added, "You've had your creepy little mechano-crush on Lister for years, and now you've seen your chance. Making him marry you. Tsk. I'm onto you, Kryten."
"Actually, Mister Rimmer, I was going suggest that you do it."
"Me? Why me?" Rimmer's voice rose an octave in badly concealed panic. Did Kryten know?
"I can't do it, sir, I'm a mechanoid."
"Well, I can't do it either." It would be disastrous. Fatal. Humiliating. There was no way he wouldn't be found out.
"Oh fer smeg's sake," Lister huffed, oddly offended. "I'm not that bad. It's to save our arses, Rimmer."
"It's not even legal," Rimmer protested desperately. "You can't marry a hologram. Even if you're already married, it's dissolved when you die."
"Actually, sir," Kryten corrected, "it's perfectly legal in this century. Those backwards, and frankly barbaric, laws against holograms were struck down about fifteen years after Red Dwarf left the solar system."
"Oh." Rimmer swallowed heavily, the knowledge hitting his gut like a stone. There was nothing to stop him, and the thought was terrifying. His eyes darted wildly around the room, before he finally met Lister's steady gaze. He gulped.
"Come on, man," Lister urged, gently, Rimmer's skittishness making him wonder, not for the first time, just what Io was like. "It’s just signing our names on a piece of paper to get the GELFs off our backs. It's not like it's real." He would not think about what it would be like if it was real.
Right, Rimmer told himself, forcing his breathing steady. Not real. All he'd have to do was sign his name. He could manage that. He'd managed to pull off being Ace Rimmer after all. He could do this. "Okay." He swallowed heavily. "I'm in."
"Excellent." Kryten clapped his hands. "I know just the place, sirs."
---
Seated in the waiting room of Bob's Wedding Chapel, Rimmer was deathly pale. Lister nudged him with his shoulder.
"Alright, Rimmer?"
Voice strained, he replied, "I can't believe I'm doing this. My parent's would disown me if they were still alive." It wasn't a lie. Thinking about what his parents would say did leave him with a sick feeling in his stomach.
"Because you're a hologram, because I'm a man, or because of this place?" Lister asked.
Rimmer pulled a face. "How about, all of the above?"
Lister shook his head in frustration. "Yer family was the biggest load of smegheaded bastards I've ever heard of in me life, man. And you know what? They couldn't disown you, 'cause you already disowned them." Leaning in close, he pressed on, "You won when you divorced them, and you won when you became Ace, and you won when you came back. You've got nothing to prove to them."
"I -" Rimmer opened his mouth to reply. For a crazy moment he considered blurting out everything, but just then the doors to the main part of the chapel opened, expelling a giggling couple, clearly heavily inebriated, followed by a short, balding man in flowing robes. A gum-snapping secretary presented the newlyweds with the bill, while the man made a bee-line to where he and Lister sat, hand already extended.
"Hi, I'm Bob. I'll be your officiant today. You must be Dave and Arnold." Lister shot Rimmer an awkward look, gingerly shaking the man's hand. Rimmer shook it in turn, thoroughly bemused. "I see you brought your own witnesses. Excellent, excellent. Has the mech been granted legal signing status, because we can take care of that here if we need to." He ushered them through the doors, talking the whole time. "Now you stand there, and you stand there. Your friends can stand beside you."
There was a brief scuffle as both the Cat and Kryten tried to stand beside Lister. Rimmer scowled and pretended not to hear Lister's hissed, "Do it for me, Kryters," as the mechanoid came to stand by his side.
Finally they settled, and Bob clapped his hands. "And music please."
A spotty, gangly assistant, half-hidden behind a clearly plastic potted ficus pressed play on a portable radio and a tinny version of the wedding march filled the room.
"Dearly beloved," began Bob.
"Er, you can skip this bit," Lister advised. "We're in a bit of a rush."
"Understood." Bob winked broadly. "You're eager to get your handsome fellow there all to yourself. I can't say I blame you."
Rimmer cringed. Lister scowled at the man.
"Okay then. We'll skip straight to the vows. Repeat after me: I, David Lister..."
Lister repeated the words, the moment seeming strangely solemn, even in the tacky little chapel, knowing it was Rimmer flaring his nostrils beside him. It was somehow fitting, standing here beside this man, with whom his strange almost-friendship had become the longest and most important relationship of his life.
Bob turned to Rimmer. "I, Arnold Rimmer..."
"I, Arnold Rimmer," he repeated, a tremor in his voice.
"Take you, David..."
"Take you, David..."
They signed the register, Lister feeling dazed, Rimmer's precise copperplate handwriting seeming to have deserted him. Bob's next words caught them both up short.
"I now pronounce you married. You may kiss."
Lister's gaze flew to Rimmer, who had gone rigid, terror in his eyes. "I'd forgot about this bit," he stage whispered in apology. He watched Rimmer's throat bob as he swallowed, but otherwise remained frozen. "Hey, relax, guy," Lister soothed, lifting a hand to cup his cheek. "It's just me."
That's what I'm afraid of, Listy, Rimmer thought. He had kissed dozens, possibly hundreds of people as Ace, but none of them had been Lister. None of them had been an annoyingly cheerful, grubby Scouse git, and none of them had wormed their way inextricably into his sorry, cowardly heart. To his shame, a whimper escaped him, as Lister pressed soft, full lips gently against his own, and suddenly Lister was surging forward into the kiss, and he was responding eagerly, desperately, clutching at Lister's shirt, opening his mouth to his.
Lister's dreams, which had started when Rimmer was away, and which hadn't ceased since his return, had nothing on reality. Rimmer's mouth was soft, inviting, maddening. His free hand twined in his hair, as he pulled him closer still.
"Ahem," Kryten cleared his throat.
"Disgusting, dudes," the Cat opined. They pulled apart reluctantly, staring at each other in shock. Slowly, Rimmer lifted a hand to touch it to his own mouth.
"If you are quite finished, sirs, we should make our payment and get back to Starbug before the time hole closes," Kryten huffed.
"Sure thing, Krytes," Lister responded cheerfully, but he fell back a few paces as they followed the others back into the vestibule, touching his hand to Rimmer's. "I think," he said, "we should talk."
---
They didn't manage much talking.
Lister had left Cat to pilot the ship, and Kryten to deal with the GELFs, and had dragged Rimmer into his room. Sitting on the bunk, Rimmer standing awkwardly near the door, he hadn't known where to start.
"So," he had said.
"So," Rimmer had repeated. A long pause. "Lister -"
"Look, man," he said, fiddling with one fingerless glove. "I probably should have told you this before the whole marriage thing, but, well, I've got feelings for you."
"Feelings?" Rimmer echoed, sounding as if he didn't understand what the word meant.
"Yeah, you know." He looked down at his hands. "Feelings. Like wanting to kiss you and stuff. Love. That sort of thing."
"Love," Rimmer repeated, stunned. He was beginning to sound like a smegging parrot.
"And that sort of thing, yeah."
He looked away. "Listy, I -" Dammit, he could do this. He forced himself to catch Lister's eye. "I have - feelings - for you too."
"Oh, eh?" Lister looked up at him, face brightening. "Feelings, you say?"
"Yes." He licked dry lips. "Love and -"
" - that sort of thing," Lister finished helpfully.
"Yes."
He stood awkwardly as Lister rose from the bunk, a look of wonder on his face. He held his gaze, breathing faster, as Lister touched the tips of his fingers to his cheek.
"Arnold," Lister breathed, as if trying the name out, watching that tongue dart out to lick nervous lips.
Oh, to hell with it, Rimmer thought, leaning in suddenly to capture Lister's lips with his own, before he lost his nerve. "Listy," he muttered against his mouth, diving in for another kiss, as Lister caught his face between his hands, flicking his tongue against his own. His back hit the wall, Lister's warm solidity pressing into him, and his arms instinctively wrapped around him.
"Dreamed of you," Lister whispered hotly, licking his way up to his ear. "Dreamed of doing this to you."
Rimmer made an undignified noise as teeth found his earlobe. "I've wanted this for years."
---
"I assure you," Kryten said to the Kinitawowi chieftain and his guards, who had come onboard in order to examine the marriage document for himself, "the marriage is quite valid. It is unfortunate that Mr Lister misunderstood your wedding ritual and believed it was merely symbolic, but as you can see, it is quite impossible for him to fulfill his commitment to your daughter." Who would have thought that two hundred years studying GELF languages while the others were in deep sleep would come in so handy?
"How do I know this is not a trick?" demanded the chieftain. "Bring me to the human. I wish to see for myself."
"Very well, sir," Kryten replied. "Follow me." He led the way to Mr Lister's sleeping quarters and palmed the door open.
"Sir!" he exclaimed, appalled by the sight that met his eyes. Mr Lister, flies undone, had Mr Rimmer pinned to the wall, with the hologram's shirt pushed up to his armpits, and appeared to be leaving a trail of lovebites down his throat.
"Er, hiya." Lister lifted his head to grin sheepishly at the gathering in the doorway, as Rimmer hastily pushed his shirt back down. "We're kind of in the middle of something here, so if you chaps wouldn't mind giving us a bit of privacy -"
"Sirs!" Kryten exclaimed again, clearly distressed and trying not to show it to the GELFs.
"Why don't you offer our visitors some tea and biscuits, Kryten," Rimmer suggested, grinning goofiliy at Lister. "Listy and I have some things to discuss."
"Ohhhh!" Kryten's wail could be heard from the corridor, even as the door slid shut behind him.
"Very well," the GELF chieftain grumbled. "I am convinced. I hope you have Earl Grey."
---
Back in the bunkroom, Lister pulled Rimmer's shirt over his head, watching it disappear just as the hologram's jacket had done. His smile widened and turned wicked. "Now," he said, "Where were we?"