RD Fic: I Thought Swedish was a Meatball (R)
I Thought Swedish was a Meatball
By kronette
Pairing: Lister/Rimmer
Rating: R
Spoilers: Sometime mid-2nd season, is where I'd place this.
Notes: janamelie had hay fever. My neck was out. We got to talking about how the boys could serve us tea or give massages, so this story is all her fault :D
=-=-=
Lister slipped on the AR gloves and shot Rimmer a self-assured smile. "C'mon, Rimmer. I can't actually hurt you, you know."
Rimmer stood with his arms crossed, more tense and rigid than any of his 20th century telegraph poles. "This won't work, Lister. Just because Holly can patch me into the AR unit doesn't mean I want to get a massage."
Lister rolled his eyes. "Rimmer, man, you're barely able to bend, you're so tense. Give us a try, all right? All me girlfriends said I had magic hands." He waggled his fingers in the bulky gloves in encouragement.
Rimmer's mouth turned down in a harsher frown. "It's not like it will feel real," Rimmer continued his protest of the past half hour, when Lister suggested the massage in the first place.
"Rimmer, you're making me tense just looking at you. Holly, patch us in." Lister snapped down the visor and was instantly standing at a massage table, Rimmer next to it in a robe.
"Down you go, then," Lister waved at the table. "I can't do this properly with you standing up."
Rimmer wrinkled his nose and turned around, letting out a small sound. As he spun back to face Lister, his knuckles were white on the robe's tie stretched taut.
"What's the matter?" Lister asked.
Rimmer's face was ashen. "I'm naked."
Lister felt a bit light headed at that knowledge. He hadn't specified what sort of massage he'd wanted to give to Rimmer. Smeg Holly and his imprecise directions. "I've got plenty of towels, Rimmer." He indicated the stack next to the table. "I'll turn around and you can lie face-down, then cover yourself with a towel. Let me know when you're done, yeah?"
He turned around and waited an eternity for Rimmer to slowly say, "Okay." He heard rustling as Rimmer removed his robe and folded it (a habit he knew quite well from his bunkmate), then heard him climb onto the table. He started to get antsy - surely Rimmer was lying down and had the towel over him by now - and turned around.
His heart crammed itself in his throat as he caught sight of a fully naked Rimmer just lying down on the table, his face turned away. The smooth, almost glowing pale skin stretched on for miles, from the shoulders, down the dip in his back, up over the curve of his arse, to the thighs and calves that shouldn't look as strong as they did. Then a white blur settled over the perk buttocks and ruined Lister's perfect view.
"I'm ready, Lister," Rimmer's strangled voice called.
Rimmer hadn't seen him, thank smeg. "Right," Lister called a bit too loudly and stepped up to the table. A variety of oils and hot stones were at his disposal, but he stuck with the massage oil he knew and drizzled some onto his hand. He rubbed his hands together to warm the liquid, then took a deep breath. "I'm going to start at your shoulders, Rimmer. It's just a light touch to warm up the skin, then I'll start going a bit firmer. Tell me if I'm pressing too hard."
Rimmer gave a sound he took as permission, then touched the smooth skin. It was already warm to the touch, but he swept over the curve of his shoulders, then down the middle of his back, spreading the oil evenly. He lost himself in the familiar motions, feeling for the tight muscles and paying them special attention. The soft groans and hitched breaths from Rimmer said he was on the right track, so he started down Rimmer's arms, wrapping his hands around the biceps and forearms to carefully stretch the muscles. He dug his thumbs into the knots that congregated at the back of Rimmer's neck, causing the hologram to gasp. "Am I hurting you?" Lister asked.
It took Rimmer a moment to answer. "No," he said with an odd note to his voice. "No, it's fine. Didn't realize how…tense I was there."
"I'll go careful," Lister promised and lessened the pressure, slowly increasing until he felt Rimmer trembling beneath him. "All right?" he asked, worried about the erratic breathing rather than relaxed, controlled breaths that Rimmer had been doing all along.
"Of course," Rimmer said, with a voice that was far than fine.
Lister caught the movement of Rimmer's hips, and a light bulb went off his head. "If you're getting turned on, Rimmer, it's perfectly natural. I won't be offended."
Rimmer hitched himself up on his elbows and turned his head to glare at Lister, his cheeks red. "There's nothing natural about it, Lister. You're a man!"
"Thanks for noticing, Rimmer," Lister said dryly. "A massage usually gives me a boner, too. It's nothing to be ashamed of."
"Yes, but I bet your massages are from women," Rimmer replied nastily as he turned fully on his side.
Lister shrugged. "Most of the time, yeah, but not all. It's just your body's way of saying it likes being touched. It's no big deal." Out of the corner of his eye, he could see the towel gaping around Rimmer's middle, exposing the line of flesh in question. He didn't see what Rimmer was ashamed of - he licked his lips - he looked quite healthy, in fact.
"Are you checking me out?!" Rimmer screeched and clutched the towel, bringing the fabric tight around his erection.
At that, Lister had to chuckle. "Are you so scared of another guy checking you out?"
Rimmer's glare intensified and he replied snootily, "Yes, because I'm not gay!"
"I never said you were," Lister informed him with a raised eyebrow. "And I never said I was, either. I like what feels good, Rimmer. Weren't you feeling good?"
Confusion settled over Rimmer's features. "Yes," he admitted quietly.
"So why don't you lie back down and let me continue making you feel good. You were supposed to be relaxing, not getting into yet another argument with me. I'm doing this for you, you gimboid, so lie down already." He gave Rimmer a gentle shove, and reluctantly, Rimmer lay back down, his arms at his sides.
The towel that had been carefully tucked around Rimmer's hips was now loose and half-off, exposing the left butt cheek to the air. Lister thought about saying something, or moving the towel himself, but bit the inside of cheek instead. If Rimmer was daring him to say something, he wouldn't give him the satisfaction. Ignoring the tightening in his pants, Lister worked the tightest knots on Rimmer's back, letting the groans and hitches fuel his own erection. He could always take care of it once they were done, and Rimmer would be none the wiser.
Only he'd forgot one thing.
"Lister," Rimmer's voice sounded very far away to his ears. "Aren't you going to do my front?"
He actually stopped moving his hands over Rimmer's right calf, so startled by the question. Rimmer wanted to turn over? He hadn't expected that. "Sure," he answered and smegging hell, his voice came out deeper than normal. Maybe he didn't have his libido in check like he thought he did.
Carefully, Rimmer rolled over, the tent beneath the towel fairly impressive by now. Rimmer's cheeks were still red, but his eyes - smeg. Rimmer met his gaze, and his eyes reflected long-denied arousal. The green was almost covered by the darkened pupils, and then Rimmer licked his lips. "You sure this is all right?" Rimmer asked, and it sounded like asking permission.
Lister found himself short of breath. "Yeah, it's all right," he assured his bunkmate, then slowly leaned down to kiss him. He gave Rimmer every opportunity to turn away, still not quite sure that Rimmer knew exactly what he was asking for. Then Rimmer surprised him by yanking his head down and thrusting his tongue in his mouth.
Startled, Lister pulled back and tempered the enthusiasm just a bit. "Easy, Rimmer. We got all the time we need." He resumed kissing with a gentle touch, capturing Rimmer's lower lip and drawing it into his mouth to suck on it. Rimmer began copying his movements, so he showed Rimmer what he liked. Eventually, Rimmer changed the angle of their kiss, and Lister copied his movements, assuming they were what Rimmer liked.
Encouraged, Lister swept his hand down Rimmer's chest, circling his nipples and belly button.
Rimmer broke away from his mouth and hissed, "Smeg," before arching his back. Lister felt his shirt being tugged from the back, so he stood and removed it and the other two shirts, then pushed down his pants and struggled out of his shoes. Not the most graceful undress he'd ever done, but he couldn't take his eyes off Rimmer's face. So open, so needy, so unlike he'd ever seen it before. He was almost handsome when he wasn't scowling or sneering. The raw, naked need shining from Rimmer's eyes shook him and he crawled on top of Rimmer, removing the last barrier between them - the towel. As their naked bodies touched, they both groaned. It had been too smegging long since Lister had touched another human being, and he didn't know if Rimmer ever had besides McGruder.
They fumbled for a bit, Lister slipping his leg between Rimmer's to better steady himself, then hauling himself up so their erections lined up. Rimmer couldn't get enough of his mouth, curling around his tongue and licking his teeth - who knew the smegger loved kissing so much? Happy to oblige, Lister kept up with Rimmer's tongue while his body began to move, encouraging Rimmer to thrust up against him.
Rimmer suddenly stiffened beneath him, and Lister felt the warmth splash between them. Rimmer pulled back and tried to turn away, but Lister cupped his chin and tilted his head up so he had to look at him. "No judgments or recriminations, Rimmer. It's been a long time for me, too." He leaned up and pressed a kiss to Rimmer's parted lips, then rolled off of him. Before Rimmer could protest or flee, he grabbed Rimmer's hand and wrapped them both around his erection. "You'll be too sensitive for me to keep thrusting against you, but this'll be just as nice."
He showed Rimmer how to twist on the stroke up, then rub across the head of his erection. They built up a steady rhythm quickly, and Lister darted his tongue out to lick at Rimmer's lower lip. "Kiss me," he begged softly.
Hesitating only a second, Rimmer resumed his careful exploration of Lister's mouth as his hand continued to stroke him. Lister felt the rush of his orgasm and groaned deeply as he spurted over his and Rimmer's hand. When he came back down, Rimmer was peppering his face with brushes of his lips.
Grinning like an idiot, Lister grabbed the back of Rimmer's head and pulled him in for a proper snog. Sated and tired, Lister released Rimmer and let his head drop to the table. "So, would you like another massage tomorrow?"
Eagerness lit Rimmer's eyes. "Really? You didn't find it…horrid?"
"Eh?" Lister asked, confused. "I thought that was rather good, meself. Why would you say that?"
Rimmer glanced away. "McGruder…"
He stopped Rimmer before he could say anything else. "Rimmer, I'm telling you right now, you was fine. There's nothing wrong with an early kickoff, and you've got nothing to be ashamed of." He made sure Rimmer was looking at him before Lister pointedly looked down at his groin. Rimmer blushed and Lister laughed. "Was it your first time with McGruder?" And Rimmer's ashamed nod, he rolled his eyes. "Haven't you heard the saying, practice makes perfect?"
Rimmer eyed him with some suspicion, but his gaze was mostly intrigued. "Are you willing to practice with me?"
"I asked if you wanted another massage tomorrow, didn't I? Come on. I need a nap, and I'd rather do it in me own bunk." He stood and started to get dressed, but Rimmer remained on the table. "What?"
"I can't be touched out there," Rimmer reminded him, which sobered his mood.
He thought quickly. "I'll have Holly set us up a bedroom next time, so we can fall asleep together. How does that sound?"
Rimmer's expression transformed him and Lister had to hold back a gasp. The man was smiling, and it caused his insides to go all wonky, like when he watched Kochanski light up with her pinball smile.
"That sounds acceptable," Rimmer stated, and before Lister could object to the nonchalance, Rimmer leaned up and pressed a kiss to his mouth. "You git."
"Smeghead," Lister said with his voice full of affection. He clapped his hands together and ended the program, leaving him and Rimmer staring at each other in the AR suite. "So, tomorrow then, same time?"
He saw Rimmer's hand reach out, then fall back to his side. "Same time," he said with a note of wistfulness.
The End