Help Me Rimmer
Title: Help Me Rimmer
Summary: This songfic just refused to go away. Lister tries to woo Rimmer on a Canary mission with the help of a certain old Beach Boys song…
Rating: PG (for slash, the dreaded script format, craziness, slight violence and horrible parody lyrics).
Author: Ellie ET
Disclaimer: I don’t own Red Dwarf or the Beach Boys song ‘Help Me Rhonda’, and reading this, that’s probably for the best. I know it has an extra bit at the end, but that was because I used the Brian Wilson version as a template, and it makes it easier for the whole fic anyway.
I’ve wanted to write this for ages (though I haven’t a clue why). I’ve never written any Lister/Rimmer before, so I decided to have this serve as a break in the chain of C/L fics I’ve been writing. I do like L/R, and Rimmer was feeling left-out anyway… now he’s being sedated after reading this. More stable, saner stuff will be posted soon - I hope.
(Rimmer and Lister are sitting in the Canary ship with other inmates. Lister is listening to a Walkman).
Lister: (singing) Help me Rhonda, yeah, get her out of my -
Rimmer: (Irritably) Do you mind?
Lister: (Hurt) Well, I’m sorry, man. I’m just having a bit of fun. I hardly ever get to see Kris these days.
Kochanski: Oh, shut up.
Rimmer: I concur…. (sees Lister is looking hard at him) What?
Lister: Some things never change. You have all these funny habits, Rimmer - you’re always so annoyed with me…
Rimmer: Yes - so?
Lister: Almost - adorably annoyed with me. It’s kinda endearing.
Rimmer: Endearing? What do you mean?
Lister: (singing)
Well, since Kris put me down
I’ve been out mooching in the cells!
Rimmer: WHAT?
Lister: (cont.)
I once kissed a Psiren
And then one evening I married a GELF!
(All the other Canary inmates jump up and start singing the background).
Lister:
Well, Rimmer, you look so fine…
Cat and Kryten:
Look so fine!
Lister:
And I know it wouldn’t take much time…
Cat and Kryten:
Aaah…
Lister:
For you to…
Help me Rimmer
Help me get Kris out of my heart!
Kochanski: Oh, for goodness sake!
Cat and Kryten:
Bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm!
Lister: (with other Canary inmates)
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Cat and Kryten:
Bowm-bowm-bowm…
Kill Crazy: Is this, like, an excuse to kill him? Can I?
Lister and accompaniment: (cont.)
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Kill Crazy: I mean, like, can I, like, fight him bare-handed! I can take him down!
Lister and accompaniment: (cont.)
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Kill Crazy: He can’t sing anyway! It’s not like you’ll miss ‘im! I wanna kill 'im!
Lister and accompaniment: (cont.)
Help me Rimmer, yeah -
Get Kris out of my heart!
Rimmer: I beg your pardon, meladdio?!
(Lister and Cat dance to the other end of the vessel and stop in front of Kochanski - Lister kneels down next to her).
Lister:
She was gonna be my wife
And I was gonna be her man! (Holds hand to heart).
Cat and Kryten:
Oooh - Rimmer!
Lister: (spinning around to face Rimmer).
But she let the Red Dwarf brig come between us
And it shattered my plan!
Cat and Kryten:
Oooh - Rimmer!
Rimmer: Oh, not that old thing again!
Lister:
Well, Rimmer, you caught my eye!
Cat and Kryten:
Oooh - caught my eye!
Lister:
And I can give you lotsa reasons why!
Rimmer, Cat and Kryten: You CAN???
Lister: (Looking meaningful)
You gotta -
Help me Rimmer, help me get Kris out of my heart!
Cat and Kryten:
Bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm!
Kochanski: Rather him than me!
Lister and accompaniment: (as Kill Crazy is sharpening a knife).
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Kill Crazy: Oi, mate, I got something for you!
Lister and accompaniment: (as they all start dancing around the vessel).
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Kill Crazy: (throws knife).
Lister and accompaniment: (unwittingly missing the knife by inches)
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Kill Crazy: GAH!!! (Tears at his hair in infuriation).
Lister:
Help me Rimmer, yeah!
Get Kris out of my heart!
(Instrumental break: Rimmer manages to catch up with Lister through the crowd).
Rimmer: What do you MEAN???
Lister: Oh, come on. We’ve flirted, we’ve shared a cabin, we’ve even kissed!
Rimmer: When did we do that???
Lister: You really want to know?
Rimmer: No, not really! You’re a sick person, Lister!
Lister: I’m just telling it the way it is! You love me, A.J Rimmer - don’t bother to deny it!
(Lister jumps back into the centre of Canary crowd - they all start singing again).
Lister and accompaniment:
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Kryten: (Grabbing Kill Crazy’s arm) What are you doing with that stone?
Lister and accompaniment:
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Kill Crazy: (gesturing to Lister) I’m kicking his bucket, ain’t I?
Lister and accompaniment:
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Cat: (Takes stone; cracks Kill Crazy over head with it, knocking him out) Bye-bye, buddy!
Lister and accompaniment:
Help me Rimmer, yeah!
Get Kris out of my heart!
(Kryten and Cat glance at Kill Crazy’s crumpled form and shake hands before running to rejoin Lister. Now, the whole craft is literally bursting with song).
Lister: Take it away, boys!
Canaries:
Help me Rimmer, yeah!
Lister: (reaching for him)
Get Kris out of my heart!
Canaries:
Help me Rimmer, yeah!
Lister: (pulling Rimmer to him)
Get Kris out of my heart!
Canaries:
Help me Rimmer, yeah!
Lister: (wrapping arms around Rimmer)
Get Kris out of my heart…!
(The music fades, and everyone sits down on their seats, watching Lister and Rimmer).
Lister: So, watcha gonna do?
(Rimmer is apparently lost for words).
Rimmer: … Ah…
Lister: (Grinning) It’s OK. It’s a long journey back to Red Dwarf… and then a long wait in the cells…
Fin.
Summary: This songfic just refused to go away. Lister tries to woo Rimmer on a Canary mission with the help of a certain old Beach Boys song…
Rating: PG (for slash, the dreaded script format, craziness, slight violence and horrible parody lyrics).
Author: Ellie ET
Disclaimer: I don’t own Red Dwarf or the Beach Boys song ‘Help Me Rhonda’, and reading this, that’s probably for the best. I know it has an extra bit at the end, but that was because I used the Brian Wilson version as a template, and it makes it easier for the whole fic anyway.
I’ve wanted to write this for ages (though I haven’t a clue why). I’ve never written any Lister/Rimmer before, so I decided to have this serve as a break in the chain of C/L fics I’ve been writing. I do like L/R, and Rimmer was feeling left-out anyway… now he’s being sedated after reading this. More stable, saner stuff will be posted soon - I hope.
(Rimmer and Lister are sitting in the Canary ship with other inmates. Lister is listening to a Walkman).
Lister: (singing) Help me Rhonda, yeah, get her out of my -
Rimmer: (Irritably) Do you mind?
Lister: (Hurt) Well, I’m sorry, man. I’m just having a bit of fun. I hardly ever get to see Kris these days.
Kochanski: Oh, shut up.
Rimmer: I concur…. (sees Lister is looking hard at him) What?
Lister: Some things never change. You have all these funny habits, Rimmer - you’re always so annoyed with me…
Rimmer: Yes - so?
Lister: Almost - adorably annoyed with me. It’s kinda endearing.
Rimmer: Endearing? What do you mean?
Lister: (singing)
Well, since Kris put me down
I’ve been out mooching in the cells!
Rimmer: WHAT?
Lister: (cont.)
I once kissed a Psiren
And then one evening I married a GELF!
(All the other Canary inmates jump up and start singing the background).
Lister:
Well, Rimmer, you look so fine…
Cat and Kryten:
Look so fine!
Lister:
And I know it wouldn’t take much time…
Cat and Kryten:
Aaah…
Lister:
For you to…
Help me Rimmer
Help me get Kris out of my heart!
Kochanski: Oh, for goodness sake!
Cat and Kryten:
Bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm!
Lister: (with other Canary inmates)
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Cat and Kryten:
Bowm-bowm-bowm…
Kill Crazy: Is this, like, an excuse to kill him? Can I?
Lister and accompaniment: (cont.)
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Kill Crazy: I mean, like, can I, like, fight him bare-handed! I can take him down!
Lister and accompaniment: (cont.)
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Kill Crazy: He can’t sing anyway! It’s not like you’ll miss ‘im! I wanna kill 'im!
Lister and accompaniment: (cont.)
Help me Rimmer, yeah -
Get Kris out of my heart!
Rimmer: I beg your pardon, meladdio?!
(Lister and Cat dance to the other end of the vessel and stop in front of Kochanski - Lister kneels down next to her).
Lister:
She was gonna be my wife
And I was gonna be her man! (Holds hand to heart).
Cat and Kryten:
Oooh - Rimmer!
Lister: (spinning around to face Rimmer).
But she let the Red Dwarf brig come between us
And it shattered my plan!
Cat and Kryten:
Oooh - Rimmer!
Rimmer: Oh, not that old thing again!
Lister:
Well, Rimmer, you caught my eye!
Cat and Kryten:
Oooh - caught my eye!
Lister:
And I can give you lotsa reasons why!
Rimmer, Cat and Kryten: You CAN???
Lister: (Looking meaningful)
You gotta -
Help me Rimmer, help me get Kris out of my heart!
Cat and Kryten:
Bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm-bowm!
Kochanski: Rather him than me!
Lister and accompaniment: (as Kill Crazy is sharpening a knife).
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Kill Crazy: Oi, mate, I got something for you!
Lister and accompaniment: (as they all start dancing around the vessel).
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Kill Crazy: (throws knife).
Lister and accompaniment: (unwittingly missing the knife by inches)
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Kill Crazy: GAH!!! (Tears at his hair in infuriation).
Lister:
Help me Rimmer, yeah!
Get Kris out of my heart!
(Instrumental break: Rimmer manages to catch up with Lister through the crowd).
Rimmer: What do you MEAN???
Lister: Oh, come on. We’ve flirted, we’ve shared a cabin, we’ve even kissed!
Rimmer: When did we do that???
Lister: You really want to know?
Rimmer: No, not really! You’re a sick person, Lister!
Lister: I’m just telling it the way it is! You love me, A.J Rimmer - don’t bother to deny it!
(Lister jumps back into the centre of Canary crowd - they all start singing again).
Lister and accompaniment:
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Kryten: (Grabbing Kill Crazy’s arm) What are you doing with that stone?
Lister and accompaniment:
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Kill Crazy: (gesturing to Lister) I’m kicking his bucket, ain’t I?
Lister and accompaniment:
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer
Help me Rimmer, help help me Rimmer -
Cat: (Takes stone; cracks Kill Crazy over head with it, knocking him out) Bye-bye, buddy!
Lister and accompaniment:
Help me Rimmer, yeah!
Get Kris out of my heart!
(Kryten and Cat glance at Kill Crazy’s crumpled form and shake hands before running to rejoin Lister. Now, the whole craft is literally bursting with song).
Lister: Take it away, boys!
Canaries:
Help me Rimmer, yeah!
Lister: (reaching for him)
Get Kris out of my heart!
Canaries:
Help me Rimmer, yeah!
Lister: (pulling Rimmer to him)
Get Kris out of my heart!
Canaries:
Help me Rimmer, yeah!
Lister: (wrapping arms around Rimmer)
Get Kris out of my heart…!
(The music fades, and everyone sits down on their seats, watching Lister and Rimmer).
Lister: So, watcha gonna do?
(Rimmer is apparently lost for words).
Rimmer: … Ah…
Lister: (Grinning) It’s OK. It’s a long journey back to Red Dwarf… and then a long wait in the cells…
Fin.