Vignette - Sideways. PG.
Red Dwarf is a popular meme request! Set in Season Three, post-Backwards. Crit is always welcome.
"You kill me, Rimmer," Lister muttered. "Only someone like you could think a backwards universe was some kinda smegging ideal," he continued, putting his boots up on the center console. A horn blew a whoop whoop until he shifted them to the right.
"Someone who is capable of seeing the bigger picture?" Rimmer sniffed.
"Someone who's got nothin' to look forward to," Lister said, picking at his fingernails. "Someone who wants to go back to being a sperm because it's more impressive than his life to date. Because reachin' that egg was the last thing yeh ever really accomplished, yeah? Because what you leave unfinished don't matter when everything gets un-finished anyway."
Rimmer frowned, anger boiling into his face, and shook a finger at Lister. "I accomplished something meaningful every day that I was alive, you fetid brainless twat!" he spat. "I got up early and I exercised! I made my bed! I made my revision timetable! I did things and I accomplished things! But you, you!" He stepped back, his nostrils flaring up like an irritated hemorrhoid. "You never did smeg! You ate and drank and smoked and... and... rutted... like an animal! That's all you are. You're not the last human alive. The last human died out millions of years ago." He was spitting, now; Lister stood, frowning, and Rimmer stabbed at him with his finger, not even noticing that his finger was passing into Lister's chest. "The Backwards universe would be perfect for you, wouldn't it? Everyone's bed gets unmade like yours does here. People go to classes to un-know things, just like you do. You can jump in the shower and jump out unwashed, just like you like to be, yes, Listy?"
"That is rich. That is just bloody smegging rich, Rimmer!" Lister yelled, stepping forward and pushing. His hand went through Rimmer's chest, but Rimmer stumbled backwards anyway, as if out of force of habit. "If you think..."
"Oi, fellas!" Holly's head popped up on a nearby screen. "I'm readin' a problem with the quantum flux on the delithinium carbide drive. You'd better get down there and take a look."
Lister glared at Rimmer for a moment longer, as if there were something more he wanted to say. Then, abruptly, he turned and stomped out of the room, grumbling, "Right, right, I'll get on it."
Rimmer put his hands behind his back and sniffed. "Well. If that little git can't handle the truth..." He trailed off as Kryten stared fixedly at the sock he was mending, and Holly stared at anything in the room that wasn't him. He sniffed again, looking a little lost, and wandered out of the room.
"That was admirably timed male bovine excretion," Kryten commented.
"And they say I'm senile," Holly said, smugly. She frowned. "Now what was I doing again?"
"You kill me, Rimmer," Lister muttered. "Only someone like you could think a backwards universe was some kinda smegging ideal," he continued, putting his boots up on the center console. A horn blew a whoop whoop until he shifted them to the right.
"Someone who is capable of seeing the bigger picture?" Rimmer sniffed.
"Someone who's got nothin' to look forward to," Lister said, picking at his fingernails. "Someone who wants to go back to being a sperm because it's more impressive than his life to date. Because reachin' that egg was the last thing yeh ever really accomplished, yeah? Because what you leave unfinished don't matter when everything gets un-finished anyway."
Rimmer frowned, anger boiling into his face, and shook a finger at Lister. "I accomplished something meaningful every day that I was alive, you fetid brainless twat!" he spat. "I got up early and I exercised! I made my bed! I made my revision timetable! I did things and I accomplished things! But you, you!" He stepped back, his nostrils flaring up like an irritated hemorrhoid. "You never did smeg! You ate and drank and smoked and... and... rutted... like an animal! That's all you are. You're not the last human alive. The last human died out millions of years ago." He was spitting, now; Lister stood, frowning, and Rimmer stabbed at him with his finger, not even noticing that his finger was passing into Lister's chest. "The Backwards universe would be perfect for you, wouldn't it? Everyone's bed gets unmade like yours does here. People go to classes to un-know things, just like you do. You can jump in the shower and jump out unwashed, just like you like to be, yes, Listy?"
"That is rich. That is just bloody smegging rich, Rimmer!" Lister yelled, stepping forward and pushing. His hand went through Rimmer's chest, but Rimmer stumbled backwards anyway, as if out of force of habit. "If you think..."
"Oi, fellas!" Holly's head popped up on a nearby screen. "I'm readin' a problem with the quantum flux on the delithinium carbide drive. You'd better get down there and take a look."
Lister glared at Rimmer for a moment longer, as if there were something more he wanted to say. Then, abruptly, he turned and stomped out of the room, grumbling, "Right, right, I'll get on it."
Rimmer put his hands behind his back and sniffed. "Well. If that little git can't handle the truth..." He trailed off as Kryten stared fixedly at the sock he was mending, and Holly stared at anything in the room that wasn't him. He sniffed again, looking a little lost, and wandered out of the room.
"That was admirably timed male bovine excretion," Kryten commented.
"And they say I'm senile," Holly said, smugly. She frowned. "Now what was I doing again?"