Wise Up Part A 4 Turpentine
Title: Wise Up Part A Turpentine
Pairing: Addison and Derek
Author: Reddress11
Summary: Well I've been gone for a long time! But here is the next part of this story. It's Mark's wedding and he's marrying Izzie. And it's all coming down to the original triangle. Who will Addison end up with? Will it be Mark or Derek?
I Can't Make You Love me
Summary: Wedding day. Addison and Mark have their final talk. Derek has to face a few truths and finally grow up. If you want earlier chapters so you know what’s going on? Thanks for reading and please review.
Music: I Can’t Make You Love Me: Bonnie Raitt
Walking into the church Addison was prepared for an ending. With thirty minutes until the wedding, the pews were slowly filling up.
“Addie dear, come sit down.”
Patting the seat next to her, Ann motioned for Addison to sit near her.
“Great right up in front,” Addison thought to herself.
“So are you ready?” Derek questioned as he patted Mark’s back.
“A… yeah, I mean yes. God did you feel like this before yours?” Mark asked as his face contorted into a painfully nervous expression.
Derek smiled and thought back on his wedding with Addison. “No- I was pretty relaxed. But I mean come on, I marrying was Addison. I was set for life. If you feel the same way about Izzie then things will be fine.”
“Things will fine?” Turning away from the mirror, the look on Mark’s face clearly stated that Derek’s advice was not appreciated considering its source.
“You two are divorced.”
“I still made the right decision when I married her.”
“But you’re divorced.”
“The point isn’t whether or not we’re divorced right now. I knew at the time that I married her that I was doing the right thing. I was crazy in love with Addison. If you feel the same way about Izzie, then marry her.”
Lost in thought, Mark nodded his head and turned back to the mirror. The mentioning of Addison posed more questions then what he could deal with at the moment.
Clearing his throat, Derek tried to come off as indifferent, “So how was last night?”
“It was great. Thank you for doing all of that.”
“No, I wasn’t talking about that.”
Straitening his tie in mirror Mark had hoped they wouldn’t have to go there.
“It was fine.”
Now Derek was nervous. Like a scolded child he looked down and shifted uncomfortably, “Did-did you talk?”
“Yeah, a little.”
In Mark’s mind he quickly wished that ,“Yeah, a little,” would be enough to satisfy Derek’s curiosity. He didn’t want to have to talk about it. He knew how Derek felt and he was pretty sure that Derek knew how he felt. Pandora’s Box, of lost love and longing was not something that Mark could open before hi s wedding. Out of respect for his sanity, Mark had thought that Derek would know that, and drop the topic.
But apparently childlike jealously trumped respect on Derek’s list of priorities today.
“That was it?”
“Yep, that was it.”
“Did she say anything about…” tapering off Mark knew what he was asking.
Sighing, he had to repress the urge to turn around and pick a fight. Was he serious? Was Derek seriously asking him to define Addison’s feelings? This was his wedding day; Derek wasn’t clueless to how Mark felt about Addison. He knew that today would be a struggle for him. Mark needed his best friend. Not Addison’s jealous ex husband.
He tried to hide the annoyance in his voice but he failed,“No, she didn’t say anything about you.”
“Oh,” a little disappointed Derek turned and sat down; not quite sure what to say.
Still fixing his tie Mark tried not say anything but before he could stop himself it slipped, “If she wanted be with you she would. ”
“What’s that suppose to mean?”
“Exsactly what I said, just let go Derek. I’m sorry, you’re my best friend but you really fucked things up.”
“What?”
Frustrated that he had to spell it out for him, Mark gave up on his tie and yanked it loose.
“You made the right decision? Why did you even bother? You fucked everything up with her.”
His voice escaladed as he continued, “Why did you even start with her? From the beginning I knew you would do it.”
In a defensive tone he answered, “Do what?”
“Do what you always do, Derek. It was always the same with you. You’d be so commited in the beginning and then just when things got a little complicated you’d run; leaving whomever you had pledged undying love for devastated.”
“Who are you talking about?”
“Every woman you’ve ever dated.”
“What do mean every woman?”
“I’m talking about all of them; Addison and every female before and after her. I mean god, you left Addie, for Meredith; I’m shocked that didn’t last either. And why didn’t last Derek? Please, do tell.”
Derek ignored his question and moved on to his own accusations, “What about you? Who the hell are you to talk to my relationships? You can’t commit to anything. Giving hundreds of random women a few hours in bed with you doesn’t exactly make you the commitment guru.”
Trying to lower his voice Mark answered, “I never made promises that I knew I wouldn’t keep. I’ve never lied about who I am.”
But Derek wasn’t about to calm himself. Mark had pushed and Derek was more than ready to push back.
“What… so that makes you exempt from judgment? Avoidance doesn’t make you an honest person; it just means you’re a coward. You couldn’t even commit to this friendship. Fucking your best friend’s wife doesn’t exactly say that have my best interests in mind.”
Mark ran his hand over his facial hair and sighed, “God, you’re never going to let that go are you?”
“Why the hell should I?”
Sarcastically he continued, “I’ll tell you what… when you and Izzie have your first rough spot, I’ll do you a favor. I’ll screw the love of ‘your life’, in your bed, on favorite sheets and then ask you why can’t get over it.”
“The love of your life? Oh, that’s great. Who the hell do you think you’re talking too? Don’t try to play the victim with me. I was there. I know you and I know what happened.”
“What are saying, that I didn’t love her?”
“I’m saying you don’t love her. You love the idea of her. Don’t talk to me about fucking over a best friend, because you screwed me over from the beginning.”
“From what beginning?”
“You knew that I loved her. Everyone loved her. But you had to have her. At least I was man enough to walk away and give you a chance. I thought you would be the better man. I thought you’d be what she needed. Some idiot I was, I’ve seen dogs treated better.”
Now even more defensive, Derek fired back, “What about you? You cheated on her too. Don’t blame me for your fuck ups and don’t lecture me on ruining things with her. You think I don’t know? You think I don’t think about it every day? I didn’t just wake up yesterday and decide that I was an idiot and I wanted her back. I’ve loved her for years. Sure, I’ve made mistakes. But who hasn’t? Things aren’t over with her and me, yet. So don’t push me because they are with you. You lost her because you couldn’t handle the responsibility of loving someone more than yourself.”
Instantly Mark changed his tone, he stopped yelling and plainly stated, “See, that ‘s where you’re wrong. You can’t lose what you never had. And she was never mine. She loved you. She wanted you. That’s my point.”
Now pointing at him, Mark continued, “Things never worked between you two because you were never able to look past what you wanted. So just let her go, Derek. If you can’t be there day in and day out, and love her more than yourself than don’t even start with her. Don’t make promises that you can’t keep.”
Derek was furious, “Let her go? You’re one to talk about letting things go. It’s been sixteen years, Mark. And it’s never going to happen between you two. You know it, I know it, she knows it, and hell even Izzie knows it. It’s your wedding day. You’re getting married in twenty minutes and you’re still hoping that she’ll walk through that door any second and give you an excuse to not walk down that isle.”
Mark waited to respond. Derek’s honesty stung. For moments, all he could do was stand there and let silence hang in the air.
Shrugging his shoulders, he sincerely admitted, “You’re right, I am. I can’t help it. I’m always going to be waiting for her. The difference is, I respect that we can’t be together. I love her enough to let her go. I know she’ll never love me back the same way. I want her be happy and if it can’t be with me than I want the best for her. I love her regardless of the fact that I can’t be with her, not in spite of it like you.”
By this time both men were almost sure that their voices had carried out into the hall. Furious, both looked disheveled, as if they were ready to do more than talk out their differences.
“Shit, what am I suppose to do Mark? Pretend that I don’t love her and I don’t want to be with her? Forget all of that history? Let her be happy with someone else because I might hurt her again?”
Mark was true to his word. He wanted the best for Addison. Although he loved Derek like a brother, he wouldn’t watch him repeat history and destroy her, just to fulfill his own need.
“Yes, be an adult for once and do what’s best for her. Not for yourself. That’s love, Derek. It’s not endless unfulfilled promises. It’s action.”
Then, to show his seriousness and make his point, Mark sternly turned back the mirror and continued working on his tie.
Addison shifted in her seat. It was ten minutes until the service began and for some reason she couldn’t keep still. It was almost as if she had forgotten something and all she could do was try to place what was missing.
“Is something the matter?”
Madeline covered Addison’s hand.
“What is it? You’ve been twisting that program in your hands for the past five minutes.”
Looking down, Addison wasn’t aware that she had been doing anything at all with her hands.
“I feel like I forgot something; like I need to do something.”
“Did you leave something at the house?”
“No, that’s not it.”
Opening the door, Derek wasn’t sure whether or not he was surprised to see Addison.
“Hey… what’s going on?”
Pushing the door open a little she answered, “I need a moment with Mark. Do you mind?”
Derek was a little confused. Had she come to stop him?
“A… yeah, sure. No problem.”
Letting her in Derek watched as Mark and her made eye contact.
“I’ll go see if they’re ready yet.”
Watching Addison smile at him as he closed the door, Derek hoped that he wasn’t shutting the door on his future.
Addison ran her hands over her hair and smoothed out her dress. With a small smile she approached Mark.
“I thought you might want to cash in your favor.”
Although her statement was a little ambiguous, Mark knew exactly what she was talking about.
“I can’t seem to get my tie strait.”
His hands were shaking as she walked over and covered them with her own.
“I got it,” she whispered.
Mark let out a ragged sigh, “Give me a reason.”
“She’s beautiful and a great cook. Izzie has an amazing sense of humor. She’s a kind and generous-“
Mark again covered Addison’s hands, “That wasn’t the reason I was talking about.”
With her head down, Addison knew he was starring at her; waiting for her response.
Quietly, she answered, “I know.”
He let go of her hands, and listened to her continue, “You’ll have adorable children… and she loves you very much. She’s waiting for you.”
“I need you, Addie.”
Finishing, she ran her hands over his shoulders; smoothing out wrinkles.
Looking up, there were tears in her eyes, “Well here I am. You can do it, Mark.”
“I don’t know if I can, without you.”
She touched the side of his face and smiled, “Don’t you see? You don’t have too. I’m only a phone call away. Good friends are forever.”
After a few moments without words, he spoke first, “We would have had a beautiful little girl or boy. We would have been happy. I would have loved you forever.”
Wiping her eyes Addison answered, “In another life.”
He bushed his thumb over her cheek bones, “Why not this one?”
“Because, there is beautiful woman out there dressed in white,” Addison’s voice cracked, “And she’s waiting for, you. She waiting to make all of your dreams come true.”
Mark’s eyes began to water as tears ran down her face.
“Not all of them,” he softly replied.
“But the important ones,” she answered.
“What about you? What about your dreams?”
Addison laughed a little and wiped her cheeks, “The jury’s still out.”
“I’m getting married, Addie.”
Her vision blurred as tears spilled out onto her skin, “I know.”
Both wrapped their arms around each other and just held one another for moment.
Addison dug face into Mark’s shoulder, “I just can’t give you what you want. I’m sorry, Mark. I wish I could but it wouldn’t be fare to you.”
Mark buried his face in her hair and breathed in her scent for the last time, “There’s someone out of there for you. He’s arrogant, self- centered and a pain in the ass. But he’s also a dreamer and an eternal optimist. He loves you very much. He always has. He just hasn’t always been aware of it.”
Sniffling, she answered, “Someone famous once said you can never go home.”
Mark laughed a little at her absurdity, and let go, “Then don’t. Stay here in Seattle.”
When Addison looked up at him, her blue eyes seemed to glow,” I’m not talking about LA. He’s home. Where ever he is will always be home for me.”
Mark brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, “Well whoever they were, they must have never been in love.”
“You think?”
“I tell you what I know. I love you and there will always be a place in my life for you. I know he isn’t good enough for you. But I don’t think anyone is, Addison. If he makes you happy then do it. Take the chance.”
“I don’t know if I can waste another sixteen years of my life on someone who might leave me again.”
Mark leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. Lingering he answered, “When you love someone enough, you’ll waste forever. If only just to spend one more minute with them.”
“You know what I know Mark?”
“What?”
“You’ll be a wonderful husband. Izzie’s a lucky woman. I know you’ll be happy.”
A knock sounded on the door.
“Um… it’s starting.”
Mark tried to discretely wipe his eyes, “I’ll love you forever Addison.”
“Dido.”
Standing next to Mark at the altar, Derek cleared his throat, “Everything’s okay?”
Glancing sideways, Mark ran his tongue over his lips as if they were dry, “I hope you two are happy together. Do what’s best for her.”
Derek felt a wave of relief wash over him, “Thanks, I will.”
As the wedding procession started Derek searched the crowd for Addison. Sitting next to his mother she looked beautiful in a scoop neck, aqua, Chanel dress. When she smiled back at him his stomach tightened. His previous feelings of relief washed away as Mark’s request rang in his ears.
“Do what’s best for her not for yourself.”
Turpentine
Walking up to her, after the service concluded, Derek didn’t know what to say. How do you really explain to someone that you’ve known for what seems like forever and been in love with for probably even longer that they should walk away? How could he tell her to go: leave him alone for good?
Smiling at him, Addison felt the same way looking at him in that moment, that she had probably felt years ago after their first kiss in medical school. But as he ate up the distance between them all expression left her, leaving a familiar feeling of dread. His face looked the same as it did that night in the bar years ago when he told her that he still loved Meredith or the moment he walked away from her on the dance floor at “the prom”.
“Can we talk?”
Addison’s mouth contorted a little as she searched his eyes for a moment and realized that the feeling was back and for good reason.
“We are,” She answered in a disappointed tone.
“I mean somewhere else. Maybe somewhere a little more private?”
Still searching his eyes, she finally answered, “Everyone’s gone now.”
And indeed she was right. In the moments of silence that they had, had together all of the other guests had filed out of the church doors and had begun to make their way to the reception hall.
Shaking his head in agreement, Derek brushed his hand across the small amount of accumulating stubble on his chin and waiting for the right words to come to him.
“I’ll say it for you,” She started coolly; “This isn’t going to work out. And we both know it. We’ve tried. We have resolved all of our issues, forgive past grievances but it’s not enough. There’s nothing left. It’s not meant to be right?”
“Addie-“ He answered, trying to back up and somehow find a way to erase the emptiness that had suddenly filled her eyes as she stared back at him.
“I don’t need an explanation and apology or even closure. We both know that all of it means nothing. It’s just something that we both feel we need to do so that we don’t have to feel horrible about this situation. But it’s too late Derek. I’m long past feeling horrible about you and I and wishing things were different. You know the sad thing is it’s not even the fact that you can’t commit. Because we both know that you can. You just can’t commit to me. And yes I mean can’t, cause we both know that you’ve tried. So let’s just let it be this time. No drawn out speeches. It’s done.”
Grabbing her purse Addison shook her head as she straightened her back and made her way out through the chapel doors.
Stunned that she did what he couldn’t, he stood there and watched her slowly disappear. And for a moment he thought about calling out to her and stopping the whole situation from ending. He wanted to have one of those great movie scenes where he could say all right things and somehow the whole situation would be different. Like magically, just because he said it and created a moment between them, where everything seemed right and in place, they would somehow be fixed. Numb, he stood there lost and alone. In a church that moments before united two people, then minutes later ended a decade and a half of struggle, he couldn’t feel a thing.
(Ten minutes later)
Opening the taxi door, Addison turned again towards the sound of music and laughter. With people pouring out of the small reception hall, she didn’t know whether to smile or cry. It was over. She had gotten what she had come for: closure, or at least as close to it as she would ever get.
Climbing in, she brushed the hair out of her eyes.
“Where to?”
“SeaTac Airport.”
Staring at the bottle of scotch that sat in front of him, at the bar, Derek hadn’t moved for the past forty five minutes.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Turning, he caught sight of the pretty young blonde that scooted into the stool next to him.
“Ah…”
Derek paused, a beautiful young woman wanted to buy him a drink. He needed a drink. A few drinks. Enough drinks to make him forget that the entire day. And maybe, if he tried hard enough, he could forget who he was and everything that he had done.
“Yeah,” he finally answered, with his characteristic small grin.
“My name is Erin.”
Looking at her extended hand he had a quick flashback to the last time an unfamiliar blonde smiled at him over drinks. Meredith’s face looked back at him, her lips promising something different and her eyes shifting with uncertainty.
Taking her hand, he watch as Erin tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Derek.”
AN: Yeah that’s right I’m finally back. Sorry VERY long break. Any ways, here is the new chapter for Part A of Wise Up.
Pairing: Addison and Derek
Author: Reddress11
Summary: Well I've been gone for a long time! But here is the next part of this story. It's Mark's wedding and he's marrying Izzie. And it's all coming down to the original triangle. Who will Addison end up with? Will it be Mark or Derek?
I Can't Make You Love me
Summary: Wedding day. Addison and Mark have their final talk. Derek has to face a few truths and finally grow up. If you want earlier chapters so you know what’s going on? Thanks for reading and please review.
Music: I Can’t Make You Love Me: Bonnie Raitt
Walking into the church Addison was prepared for an ending. With thirty minutes until the wedding, the pews were slowly filling up.
“Addie dear, come sit down.”
Patting the seat next to her, Ann motioned for Addison to sit near her.
“Great right up in front,” Addison thought to herself.
“So are you ready?” Derek questioned as he patted Mark’s back.
“A… yeah, I mean yes. God did you feel like this before yours?” Mark asked as his face contorted into a painfully nervous expression.
Derek smiled and thought back on his wedding with Addison. “No- I was pretty relaxed. But I mean come on, I marrying was Addison. I was set for life. If you feel the same way about Izzie then things will be fine.”
“Things will fine?” Turning away from the mirror, the look on Mark’s face clearly stated that Derek’s advice was not appreciated considering its source.
“You two are divorced.”
“I still made the right decision when I married her.”
“But you’re divorced.”
“The point isn’t whether or not we’re divorced right now. I knew at the time that I married her that I was doing the right thing. I was crazy in love with Addison. If you feel the same way about Izzie, then marry her.”
Lost in thought, Mark nodded his head and turned back to the mirror. The mentioning of Addison posed more questions then what he could deal with at the moment.
Clearing his throat, Derek tried to come off as indifferent, “So how was last night?”
“It was great. Thank you for doing all of that.”
“No, I wasn’t talking about that.”
Straitening his tie in mirror Mark had hoped they wouldn’t have to go there.
“It was fine.”
Now Derek was nervous. Like a scolded child he looked down and shifted uncomfortably, “Did-did you talk?”
“Yeah, a little.”
In Mark’s mind he quickly wished that ,“Yeah, a little,” would be enough to satisfy Derek’s curiosity. He didn’t want to have to talk about it. He knew how Derek felt and he was pretty sure that Derek knew how he felt. Pandora’s Box, of lost love and longing was not something that Mark could open before hi s wedding. Out of respect for his sanity, Mark had thought that Derek would know that, and drop the topic.
But apparently childlike jealously trumped respect on Derek’s list of priorities today.
“That was it?”
“Yep, that was it.”
“Did she say anything about…” tapering off Mark knew what he was asking.
Sighing, he had to repress the urge to turn around and pick a fight. Was he serious? Was Derek seriously asking him to define Addison’s feelings? This was his wedding day; Derek wasn’t clueless to how Mark felt about Addison. He knew that today would be a struggle for him. Mark needed his best friend. Not Addison’s jealous ex husband.
He tried to hide the annoyance in his voice but he failed,“No, she didn’t say anything about you.”
“Oh,” a little disappointed Derek turned and sat down; not quite sure what to say.
Still fixing his tie Mark tried not say anything but before he could stop himself it slipped, “If she wanted be with you she would. ”
“What’s that suppose to mean?”
“Exsactly what I said, just let go Derek. I’m sorry, you’re my best friend but you really fucked things up.”
“What?”
Frustrated that he had to spell it out for him, Mark gave up on his tie and yanked it loose.
“You made the right decision? Why did you even bother? You fucked everything up with her.”
His voice escaladed as he continued, “Why did you even start with her? From the beginning I knew you would do it.”
In a defensive tone he answered, “Do what?”
“Do what you always do, Derek. It was always the same with you. You’d be so commited in the beginning and then just when things got a little complicated you’d run; leaving whomever you had pledged undying love for devastated.”
“Who are you talking about?”
“Every woman you’ve ever dated.”
“What do mean every woman?”
“I’m talking about all of them; Addison and every female before and after her. I mean god, you left Addie, for Meredith; I’m shocked that didn’t last either. And why didn’t last Derek? Please, do tell.”
Derek ignored his question and moved on to his own accusations, “What about you? Who the hell are you to talk to my relationships? You can’t commit to anything. Giving hundreds of random women a few hours in bed with you doesn’t exactly make you the commitment guru.”
Trying to lower his voice Mark answered, “I never made promises that I knew I wouldn’t keep. I’ve never lied about who I am.”
But Derek wasn’t about to calm himself. Mark had pushed and Derek was more than ready to push back.
“What… so that makes you exempt from judgment? Avoidance doesn’t make you an honest person; it just means you’re a coward. You couldn’t even commit to this friendship. Fucking your best friend’s wife doesn’t exactly say that have my best interests in mind.”
Mark ran his hand over his facial hair and sighed, “God, you’re never going to let that go are you?”
“Why the hell should I?”
Sarcastically he continued, “I’ll tell you what… when you and Izzie have your first rough spot, I’ll do you a favor. I’ll screw the love of ‘your life’, in your bed, on favorite sheets and then ask you why can’t get over it.”
“The love of your life? Oh, that’s great. Who the hell do you think you’re talking too? Don’t try to play the victim with me. I was there. I know you and I know what happened.”
“What are saying, that I didn’t love her?”
“I’m saying you don’t love her. You love the idea of her. Don’t talk to me about fucking over a best friend, because you screwed me over from the beginning.”
“From what beginning?”
“You knew that I loved her. Everyone loved her. But you had to have her. At least I was man enough to walk away and give you a chance. I thought you would be the better man. I thought you’d be what she needed. Some idiot I was, I’ve seen dogs treated better.”
Now even more defensive, Derek fired back, “What about you? You cheated on her too. Don’t blame me for your fuck ups and don’t lecture me on ruining things with her. You think I don’t know? You think I don’t think about it every day? I didn’t just wake up yesterday and decide that I was an idiot and I wanted her back. I’ve loved her for years. Sure, I’ve made mistakes. But who hasn’t? Things aren’t over with her and me, yet. So don’t push me because they are with you. You lost her because you couldn’t handle the responsibility of loving someone more than yourself.”
Instantly Mark changed his tone, he stopped yelling and plainly stated, “See, that ‘s where you’re wrong. You can’t lose what you never had. And she was never mine. She loved you. She wanted you. That’s my point.”
Now pointing at him, Mark continued, “Things never worked between you two because you were never able to look past what you wanted. So just let her go, Derek. If you can’t be there day in and day out, and love her more than yourself than don’t even start with her. Don’t make promises that you can’t keep.”
Derek was furious, “Let her go? You’re one to talk about letting things go. It’s been sixteen years, Mark. And it’s never going to happen between you two. You know it, I know it, she knows it, and hell even Izzie knows it. It’s your wedding day. You’re getting married in twenty minutes and you’re still hoping that she’ll walk through that door any second and give you an excuse to not walk down that isle.”
Mark waited to respond. Derek’s honesty stung. For moments, all he could do was stand there and let silence hang in the air.
Shrugging his shoulders, he sincerely admitted, “You’re right, I am. I can’t help it. I’m always going to be waiting for her. The difference is, I respect that we can’t be together. I love her enough to let her go. I know she’ll never love me back the same way. I want her be happy and if it can’t be with me than I want the best for her. I love her regardless of the fact that I can’t be with her, not in spite of it like you.”
By this time both men were almost sure that their voices had carried out into the hall. Furious, both looked disheveled, as if they were ready to do more than talk out their differences.
“Shit, what am I suppose to do Mark? Pretend that I don’t love her and I don’t want to be with her? Forget all of that history? Let her be happy with someone else because I might hurt her again?”
Mark was true to his word. He wanted the best for Addison. Although he loved Derek like a brother, he wouldn’t watch him repeat history and destroy her, just to fulfill his own need.
“Yes, be an adult for once and do what’s best for her. Not for yourself. That’s love, Derek. It’s not endless unfulfilled promises. It’s action.”
Then, to show his seriousness and make his point, Mark sternly turned back the mirror and continued working on his tie.
Addison shifted in her seat. It was ten minutes until the service began and for some reason she couldn’t keep still. It was almost as if she had forgotten something and all she could do was try to place what was missing.
“Is something the matter?”
Madeline covered Addison’s hand.
“What is it? You’ve been twisting that program in your hands for the past five minutes.”
Looking down, Addison wasn’t aware that she had been doing anything at all with her hands.
“I feel like I forgot something; like I need to do something.”
“Did you leave something at the house?”
“No, that’s not it.”
Opening the door, Derek wasn’t sure whether or not he was surprised to see Addison.
“Hey… what’s going on?”
Pushing the door open a little she answered, “I need a moment with Mark. Do you mind?”
Derek was a little confused. Had she come to stop him?
“A… yeah, sure. No problem.”
Letting her in Derek watched as Mark and her made eye contact.
“I’ll go see if they’re ready yet.”
Watching Addison smile at him as he closed the door, Derek hoped that he wasn’t shutting the door on his future.
Addison ran her hands over her hair and smoothed out her dress. With a small smile she approached Mark.
“I thought you might want to cash in your favor.”
Although her statement was a little ambiguous, Mark knew exactly what she was talking about.
“I can’t seem to get my tie strait.”
His hands were shaking as she walked over and covered them with her own.
“I got it,” she whispered.
Mark let out a ragged sigh, “Give me a reason.”
“She’s beautiful and a great cook. Izzie has an amazing sense of humor. She’s a kind and generous-“
Mark again covered Addison’s hands, “That wasn’t the reason I was talking about.”
With her head down, Addison knew he was starring at her; waiting for her response.
Quietly, she answered, “I know.”
He let go of her hands, and listened to her continue, “You’ll have adorable children… and she loves you very much. She’s waiting for you.”
“I need you, Addie.”
Finishing, she ran her hands over his shoulders; smoothing out wrinkles.
Looking up, there were tears in her eyes, “Well here I am. You can do it, Mark.”
“I don’t know if I can, without you.”
She touched the side of his face and smiled, “Don’t you see? You don’t have too. I’m only a phone call away. Good friends are forever.”
After a few moments without words, he spoke first, “We would have had a beautiful little girl or boy. We would have been happy. I would have loved you forever.”
Wiping her eyes Addison answered, “In another life.”
He bushed his thumb over her cheek bones, “Why not this one?”
“Because, there is beautiful woman out there dressed in white,” Addison’s voice cracked, “And she’s waiting for, you. She waiting to make all of your dreams come true.”
Mark’s eyes began to water as tears ran down her face.
“Not all of them,” he softly replied.
“But the important ones,” she answered.
“What about you? What about your dreams?”
Addison laughed a little and wiped her cheeks, “The jury’s still out.”
“I’m getting married, Addie.”
Her vision blurred as tears spilled out onto her skin, “I know.”
Both wrapped their arms around each other and just held one another for moment.
Addison dug face into Mark’s shoulder, “I just can’t give you what you want. I’m sorry, Mark. I wish I could but it wouldn’t be fare to you.”
Mark buried his face in her hair and breathed in her scent for the last time, “There’s someone out of there for you. He’s arrogant, self- centered and a pain in the ass. But he’s also a dreamer and an eternal optimist. He loves you very much. He always has. He just hasn’t always been aware of it.”
Sniffling, she answered, “Someone famous once said you can never go home.”
Mark laughed a little at her absurdity, and let go, “Then don’t. Stay here in Seattle.”
When Addison looked up at him, her blue eyes seemed to glow,” I’m not talking about LA. He’s home. Where ever he is will always be home for me.”
Mark brushed a strand of hair behind her ear, “Well whoever they were, they must have never been in love.”
“You think?”
“I tell you what I know. I love you and there will always be a place in my life for you. I know he isn’t good enough for you. But I don’t think anyone is, Addison. If he makes you happy then do it. Take the chance.”
“I don’t know if I can waste another sixteen years of my life on someone who might leave me again.”
Mark leaned in and kissed her on the cheek. Lingering he answered, “When you love someone enough, you’ll waste forever. If only just to spend one more minute with them.”
“You know what I know Mark?”
“What?”
“You’ll be a wonderful husband. Izzie’s a lucky woman. I know you’ll be happy.”
A knock sounded on the door.
“Um… it’s starting.”
Mark tried to discretely wipe his eyes, “I’ll love you forever Addison.”
“Dido.”
Standing next to Mark at the altar, Derek cleared his throat, “Everything’s okay?”
Glancing sideways, Mark ran his tongue over his lips as if they were dry, “I hope you two are happy together. Do what’s best for her.”
Derek felt a wave of relief wash over him, “Thanks, I will.”
As the wedding procession started Derek searched the crowd for Addison. Sitting next to his mother she looked beautiful in a scoop neck, aqua, Chanel dress. When she smiled back at him his stomach tightened. His previous feelings of relief washed away as Mark’s request rang in his ears.
“Do what’s best for her not for yourself.”
Turpentine
Walking up to her, after the service concluded, Derek didn’t know what to say. How do you really explain to someone that you’ve known for what seems like forever and been in love with for probably even longer that they should walk away? How could he tell her to go: leave him alone for good?
Smiling at him, Addison felt the same way looking at him in that moment, that she had probably felt years ago after their first kiss in medical school. But as he ate up the distance between them all expression left her, leaving a familiar feeling of dread. His face looked the same as it did that night in the bar years ago when he told her that he still loved Meredith or the moment he walked away from her on the dance floor at “the prom”.
“Can we talk?”
Addison’s mouth contorted a little as she searched his eyes for a moment and realized that the feeling was back and for good reason.
“We are,” She answered in a disappointed tone.
“I mean somewhere else. Maybe somewhere a little more private?”
Still searching his eyes, she finally answered, “Everyone’s gone now.”
And indeed she was right. In the moments of silence that they had, had together all of the other guests had filed out of the church doors and had begun to make their way to the reception hall.
Shaking his head in agreement, Derek brushed his hand across the small amount of accumulating stubble on his chin and waiting for the right words to come to him.
“I’ll say it for you,” She started coolly; “This isn’t going to work out. And we both know it. We’ve tried. We have resolved all of our issues, forgive past grievances but it’s not enough. There’s nothing left. It’s not meant to be right?”
“Addie-“ He answered, trying to back up and somehow find a way to erase the emptiness that had suddenly filled her eyes as she stared back at him.
“I don’t need an explanation and apology or even closure. We both know that all of it means nothing. It’s just something that we both feel we need to do so that we don’t have to feel horrible about this situation. But it’s too late Derek. I’m long past feeling horrible about you and I and wishing things were different. You know the sad thing is it’s not even the fact that you can’t commit. Because we both know that you can. You just can’t commit to me. And yes I mean can’t, cause we both know that you’ve tried. So let’s just let it be this time. No drawn out speeches. It’s done.”
Grabbing her purse Addison shook her head as she straightened her back and made her way out through the chapel doors.
Stunned that she did what he couldn’t, he stood there and watched her slowly disappear. And for a moment he thought about calling out to her and stopping the whole situation from ending. He wanted to have one of those great movie scenes where he could say all right things and somehow the whole situation would be different. Like magically, just because he said it and created a moment between them, where everything seemed right and in place, they would somehow be fixed. Numb, he stood there lost and alone. In a church that moments before united two people, then minutes later ended a decade and a half of struggle, he couldn’t feel a thing.
(Ten minutes later)
Opening the taxi door, Addison turned again towards the sound of music and laughter. With people pouring out of the small reception hall, she didn’t know whether to smile or cry. It was over. She had gotten what she had come for: closure, or at least as close to it as she would ever get.
Climbing in, she brushed the hair out of her eyes.
“Where to?”
“SeaTac Airport.”
Staring at the bottle of scotch that sat in front of him, at the bar, Derek hadn’t moved for the past forty five minutes.
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Turning, he caught sight of the pretty young blonde that scooted into the stool next to him.
“Ah…”
Derek paused, a beautiful young woman wanted to buy him a drink. He needed a drink. A few drinks. Enough drinks to make him forget that the entire day. And maybe, if he tried hard enough, he could forget who he was and everything that he had done.
“Yeah,” he finally answered, with his characteristic small grin.
“My name is Erin.”
Looking at her extended hand he had a quick flashback to the last time an unfamiliar blonde smiled at him over drinks. Meredith’s face looked back at him, her lips promising something different and her eyes shifting with uncertainty.
Taking her hand, he watch as Erin tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Derek.”
AN: Yeah that’s right I’m finally back. Sorry VERY long break. Any ways, here is the new chapter for Part A of Wise Up.