Wise up

[reddress11]

Title: Wise up
Author: Reddress11
Summary: Well this is set after "Desire". Addison makes a few life changing desicions that changes her relation with all three of her men.

Music: Wise Up: Amy Mann
“You’re not my girlfriend”
Those words rang through Addison’s ears as she walked out of Seattle Grace. “I’m not his girlfriend”
Laughing to herself, she shook her head trying to fight off the tears that would inevitably fall. As she walked to her car, a shiver ran over her arms, down her back and into her legs. With knocking knees she forced herself to keep her back strait and her head up as she dug for her keys.
“I’m not going to cry. I’m not going to cry. It’s not worth it, I’m not going to cry”
Shutting the car door, Addison dropped her head to the steering wheel and took in a shaky breath. Holding it in, she tried to reassure herself that she was fine.
With her lungs pulsing for oxygen she quickly let the air out in a frustrated scream. Alone in her car she slumped against the door and sobbed. Everything… everything that she had wanted and dreamed of, denied. Once again she had been denied. Seattle was truly her hell. It was in Seattle that Derek fell out of love with her. It was in Seattle her husband left her for an intern. It was in this city of rain and gloom that her ex-boyfriend haunted her with the memories of an aborted child and an affair. Addison had tried. She had fought for Derek, and lost. She had been humiliated. Afterwards, she played the good sport, put a smile on her face and moved on. She had done the impossible and attempted to be happy for her ex and his new girlfriend. She tried to give Mark another chance, although she knew he would fail. And now, the one thing that she clung to, her one hope for a new beginning had been crushed. The intern didn’t want her. Shaking as tears ran down her cheeks and soaked the collar of her shirt, Addison reminded herself once again that she had failed. She wasn’t good enough. She wasn’t what he wanted.
As the past year played again in her memory she was left with one question, “What else”
“What is it about me that makes me okay to fuck but impossible to love? Why am I not lovable”
As the next hour pasted Addison’s sobs softened to a few silent tears. The mistakes of her past revisited her as the hopelessness of her present situation kept her company. Images of Derek and her filled her mind, images of his cruel words and indifference, so many moments of her lonely desperation. In her mind she revisited prom and the look on his face when he reappeared with Meredith Grey. Her fingers could almost the silk of her black panties . Her heart remembered, “We’re not Derek and Addison anymore.” Her memory flooded her with images of lost dreams with her ex , and moments of happiness he now shared with his girlfriend. Mark’s face played across her mind; that mysterious smile that seemed to draw her in, the same smile that lured every woman into his bed. Addison thought of the other women and felt the same twinge of pain that she had experience when she had caught Mark in bed with another in New York. Her head pounded as adrenaline rushed through her veins at the thought of inevitable heartbreak with Mark. She reminded herself that Mark didn’t truly love her. She was only a way for him to cling to the past, to hold to his lost friendship with Derek.
Her mind wandered, through a barrage of images until it settled on Alex. His face as he kissed her in the on call room; the way he delicately touched her back, and whispered into her ear. “Don’t get me wrong it was great”
Rethinking his last words to her, she couldn’t help but feel dirty. It was like college all over again; learning that the guy you had pinned over for months, the one you truly liked didn’t feel the same. It was the same realization that to him you were only another notch among the many on his bed post. She had once again been a fool. She had mistaken his charm as sincerity, his attentiveness as true affection; possibly the beginnings of love. No, Karev didn’t want and would never love her. There would be no barbecuing with him, or kids the back yard. Every look that he had ever given her, every smile or kind word had been a ploy: an act to get from her what he had wanted. Granted she pushed him, but he had known where it was going and had eagerly taken his spoils from months of what she now understood was fake sincerity. Finally crying herself to sleep in her car, Addison awoke three hours later. Checking her watch she saw it was a little past 3AM. Resigned to her situation, Addison started her car and pulled out of the hospital parking lot and onto the streets of Seattle.
Looking in her rearview mirror, she watched the hospital slowly vanish as she passed her turn off for the hotel. Switching lanes Addison got onto the freeway.
Flipping open her phone she called Richard’s and left a message, “Richard, its Addison. I’m sorry to do this but I’m not going to be coming into work. I’m leaving and going out of town for a little while. I’ll call you when I get to where ever I’m going”
Setting the phone down on the passenger’s seat she looked once more into the rearview mirror before pushing it all the way to the right. She didn’t need to see what was behind her. She was leaving in hopes of remember who she was, Seattle held the pain of her past. The road, well wherever she went, that would be the future.
(Set During 3.22 and 3.23) ch.2 
“What did you do to her?”
Mark shot a glaring look at Derek, “What do you mean what did I do to her?”
Standing his ground Derek repeated, “You heard me, what did you do to her? You must have done something.”
Now yelling Mark replied, “I did something? Why does it have to be me?"
Now facing each other both men where teaming up for a pissing match. Trying to intervene the Chief stood between them, “Gentlemen, could you please take this somewhere else? This is hospital not a bar! If you two need to discuss something I suggest you take it outside.” Leaning in closer to the men the Chief lowered his voice, “Take it up to roof and finish this problem between the two of you. Don’t come down until you’re done. This is my surgical floor and I refuse to let you to make a mockery of the serious work that is done here. Go work it out!”
Mark turned and took the elevator while Derek opted for the stairs. On the roof both men waited in silence for a few moments before Derek started, “What the hell did you do to her Mark? I saw her two days ago and she was just fine.”
Grinning Mark shook his head and bitterly answered, “Someone else always has to be the bad guy with you don’t they?”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Annoyed with his blatant denial Mark decided to lay it all out on the table,” It’s never you. With you Derek the world just happens to you, you never do anything to bring upon yourself.”
“What the fuck are you talking about?"
“I’m talking about the fact that Addison’s cheating happened to you. You like to pretend that you didn’t have a hand in anything. You wanted to make her the villain so you looked good.”
“What happened between me and my-“
Cutting him off, Mark raised his voice above Derek’s and continued, “You took her back and lied to her to make you feel better. You knew that you had part in what happened, and you felt guilty. But instead of admitting it, you needed to take her back and lie to her. You wanted to pretend to be the doting husband to make yourself feel better; so you could look like the innocent martyr. It didn’t work out that though did it?”
Moving closer Mark got right in Derek’s face, “No, once you had her back, the tables turned. You knew she needed you and you took advantage of it. You again treated her like shit and ignored her. I mean why not? You must have figured, why not hurt her a little more in the process? Win- win situation right? Make her believe that she was worthless; tear her down all over again. I mean everyone thought that you were justified. Poor Derek, taking back his adulterous whore of a wife and trying make it work. Poor confused Derek leaves the love of his life Meredith so that he can make things work with his bitch wife.”
Throwing up his arms Mark continued, “So you tortured her, gave her just enough to think you two could work it out before reminder her all over again that she wasn’t good enough; that she was blessed that you were giving her the time of day.”
Pausing Mark stared him strait in the eye, “She kept going though didn’t she? After everything that you put her through, she kept picking herself back up. Tell me honestly did it piss you off, to know she might not need you?”
Mark waited for Derek’s response but in confusion and anger Derek couldn’t form the words. So mark continued, “And then there was the opportunity; at prom, you the opportunity. You knew Meredith would cave and give into you. I mean what girl wouldn’t? There you where, I’m sure, being all charming, playing the confused martyr; giving her looks from across the room? Poor Derek, the victim of betrayal, slept with the love of his life, who you’d only known for… six months? I mean what other option did you have? You were so confused, I mean it must have been exhausting playing McDreamy/the Martyr/ and the dotting husband all at once. That’s a lot of characters to play.”
Finally finding the words Derek replied, “You son of a bitch.”
“I just want to know one more thing, Derek.” Sarcastically Mark shook his head, “It was completely an accident wasn’t it? Leaving the panties in your jacket, you hadn’t planned that?” After a moment Mark answered his own question, “Or did you? You know I’ve done some shitty things in my life but at least I don’t ever have to claim that I was such a prick that I would deliberately kick someone who is already broken as hard as I could just to remind them who was in control.”
Walking past him towards the stairwell leading back down to the hospital, Mark leaned in, “Life happens to you Derek. You’re just the innocent victim, right?”
Derek grabbed Mark’s arm and answered, “Where the hell do you get off judging how I treated Addison? Like you never did anything to her? You think I don’t know that you cheated on her? Do I look stupid to you?”
“Did she tell you that?”
“She didn’t have to. I knew you would have regardless.”
“Like I said, I’ve done some pretty shitty things in my time, but I’ve never pretended to be anything but what I am.”
“So what, just because you’re a self proclaimed whore it was okay for you to do it?”
“I didn’t say that. I know what I did was wrong and I’ve tried to make it up to her. You see Derek, I own up to my mistakes.”
“Fuck you Mark. She only came here because things didn’t work out with you.”
“You still believe that don’t you? She came here because she wants you. She always has and always will. The choice for Addison and I to be together or not be together has always been hers, and she knows that. She doesn’t want me and never will. She wants you. You broke her, not me. So don’t you dare, think of putting your bullshit on me.” Shrugging Derek off his arm Mark continued, “I think we’re done here.”
Pissed Derek answered back, “We were done well before this”
Music: I Wanna Thank You: Natalie MacMaster
(Two weeks after the Karev incident)
Walking back into Seattle Grace, Addison was refreshed. The trip to LA had been good for her. She reconnected with who she was and what she wanted in life. She was tired of playing games. She no longer wanted to play the role of the sluttly gyno. She wanted to settle down and barbeque damn it. And if she couldn’t do with Derek and none of the other men at Seattle Grace wanted to set up to the plate she’d so it herself. This is the 21st century; women do it all the time. Why should Addison be any different? A few weeks would mark the anniversary of when Derek left New York and her life fell apart. Looking back Addison had been through a year that would most women wouldn’t survive. She had made it, although not unscathed Addison had survived: three affairs, a divorce, an abortion, crushing indifference, loneliness, and multiple rejections. As the elevator door opened and Addison stepped out onto the fourth floor she breathed and prepared herself for the mess she would have to clean up before she could start again.
“If it doesn’t kill you it will only make you stronger.”
Smiling to herself, she rounded the corner and made her way into the Attending locker room.
“Hey haven’t seen you in a while.”
“I took a little vacation Burke.”
“I heard.”
Shutting his locker, Burke continued, “So where did you take off to?”
Taking off her coat Addison turned and replied, “LA, a good friend of mine owns a practice there.”
“So you were visiting?”
Sitting on the bench Burke continued with interest, “Or were you scouting out a position?”
“Interested are you?”
“Just curious to see if the competition has dropped out.”
Pulling on her scrub top Addison thought for a moment, “I don’t know what I’m going to do. I might not be here in a few months.”
“That’s unlike you, to step down from a challenge. Not that I know that well, but you don’t seem like the kind of person who walks away when things get tough.”
“Why do I have the feeling we’re not talking about the Chief position?”
“Why did you really leave? “
“Preston, you never struck me as the gossip type.”
“I’m not, normally I’m not interested. Gossip just creates unneeded tension and drama. I choose not to involve myself with things that distract from the job or aren’t positive for the work environment. And that’s why I asked, I’m trying to gossip. I asked you as a friend.”
“A friend”
“Everyone needs one, and to tell you the truth I could use one.”
“What happened to Derek? I thought you two were each other’s confidants.”
“Derek’s… well he’s terrible with advice. I can never get through everything I need to say before he’s off talking about Meredith.”
Sitting with him on the bench Addison replies, “Sounds a little like the last three years of my marriage.”
“So...”
A few moments of silence passed as Addison and Preston stared each other down, deciding whether or not they were willing to cross that just coworkers boundary.
Burke broke the silence, “Cristina’s distant sometimes and I don’t know whether she really wants to marry me.”
Settling back Addison thought for a few moments. “Cristina’s not the warm and friendly type. She probably will never be the kind of person who wants to discuss the intricate details of your wedding. That doesn’t mean that she doesn’t love you though. She’s distant because their something holding her back and it doesn’t involve you. I think she has a few things in her past that she’d rather forget about. Whatever they are, I would find out. She might push you away, but in the end your relationship will be stronger once you reach the root of the problem and begin addressing it. Talk to her Preston, find out what it is and encourage her to deal with it. Things will always be a little off for you two if you don’t.”
“Well…” Putting on his glasses Preston shook his head, “Your advice… we just accomplished more in thirty seconds than Derek and I would have in two months. This is good… we should have done this sooner.”
“Glad to help.”
“So… why did you suddenly leave for LA?”
Waiting for a few moments, Addison thinks about holding back. Biting her lower lip she decides against her instinct and mumbles, “I slept with Karev.”
“You what?”
“Karev, I slept with him.”
“Why?”
“I don’t know… we work together. I’m around him all the time and there was always this thing. The tension, it just built and then the next thing I know.”
“Karev? Addison, you can do better.”
Throwing her hands up she replied, “He rejected me. Afterwards he treated me like I was some whore he’d picked up at Joe’s.”
“Karev is quite the charmer. Addison, he sleeps with everyone.”
“Well that makes me feel better.”
“Sorry, I’m just saying don’t take it personal. He’s just a kid.”
“Don’t remind me.”
“What I mean is when you’re that young you can’t tell the difference between Chteau Margaux, and a ten dollar bottle of wine you’d pick up at a gas station. He doesn’t know what could have had yet. Give it four years, after he matures a little I guarantee he’ll be kicking himself.”
“Preston, I just keep messing up. I keep making the wrong decision.”
Pacing his response, “True bit not everything has been your fault. There have been quite a few things that were out of your control.”
Cutting in quickly Addison decides tell him her plans before she loses her nerve, “I made a decision. I’ve made a lot of mistakes this past year and I’m done chasing. I don’t want to be that woman. I want to settle down, have a family, build my practice, and take vacations.”
Pausing Addison takes a deep breath, “I want to have a baby.”
Taken back Preston shifts, “Well… ah… have you picked a… how?”
“Well it won’t be Karev. I think I’m going to get artificially inseminated.”
“That’s big decision. Are you sure that’s what you want?”
“Yes, I have a few things I need to clear up before but I’m going to do it.”
“Are you staying in Seattle then?
“I haven’t decided. I don’t think so though, and even if I did… I won’t want to be chief. If I do this, I’m not going to stay at Seattle Grace. I am thinking about opening my own practice.”
A little uncomfortable Preston replies, “So… LA? Are you?”
“If I leave Seattle, which once again is a good possibility, I’m going to take my friend’s offer.”
Silence again fell over the locker room before Addison broke it, “This was good, and we should do it more often.”
As both leave the bench and head for the door Preston nodded his head, “Anytime.”
Standing at the nurse’s station Addison looked up to ask the NICU nurse a question before she spotted Alex. Setting down her pen Addison prepared herself for the conversation that inevitably would need to take place.
To herself she repeated, “You can do this. Finish it; don’t let him make you feel insignificant.”
“Dr. Montgomery,” A little uncomfortable Alex continued, “I didn’t know you were back.”
Pushing off the Nurses station Addison, handed the chart off the Karev, “I got back last night. I see your still hanging around the NICU. Why am I not surprised?”
“I- well it’s… we need to talk. I think we should clear the air.”
Walking into a nearby exam room Addison agreed, “I think you’re right Dr. Karev.”
Closing the door behind him Alex started, “Look I don’t think that we-“
“No, it’s okay Karev. I think I already know what needs to be said. I made a mistake; I should have never slept with you. It was very unprofessional and it should have never happened. We both crossed the line. Thank you, you made the right decision that night. I realized a few things after we last talked and-”
“So… we’re good then? I mean it’s not that I don’t think that you’re great, I do. I just… maybe I made a mistake. I shouldn’t have acted that way. I just didn’t know what to do. “
Within moments, Alex’s voice shifted from normal to husky and suggestive. Moving into Addison he continued, “I think that we should try it. I mean, I changed my mind. We’re good together.”
Backing up Addison found herself pressed against the exam table, “I-I...”
Now breathing on her neck Alex brought his hand to her stomach, “I kind of missed this.”
Quickly losing her composure Addison tried to focus, but as his hand started moving north, thumbing the underwire of her bra she her intensions were beginning to be lost in translation.
Alex ran his other hand through Addison’s hair as his lips grazed her neck, “There might not be any barbequing or catch, but this… we’re good at this.”
Instantly, Alex’s words began to register with her. Addison jerked her head to the left as he moved for her lips. Moving her hand in between them, she pushed against his now unwanted body.
Stepping back Alex looked at Addison with surprise, “I thought this is what you wanted.”
“I thought so too, but things change. All those things that we won’t have… I want those. I want the kids and responsibility. I know what I want… and isn’t what you’re willing to offer me.”
Alex’s back stiffened, making his bruised ego ever more evident. Walking towards the door, Addison stopped in front of Alex.
“Thank you, once again you stopped me from making another mistake.”
Addison leaned in and placed a soft kiss on Alex’s check before leaving the room.
To herself she thought, “One down, two more to go.”

Music: Listen: Beyonce
Finishing her last incisions Addison looked up and met Alex Karev’s eyes.
“I think we’re done here. Thanks everyone, great job.”
Moving to the scrub room Addison took off her mask and gloves.
“That was awesome, I’ve never seen… Just thanks I appreciate you asking me to scrub in after, well you know everything.”
Scrubbing her hands Addison turned her head to make eye contact. “Dr. Karev, you show so much potential in this field. I ask you to scrub in because I’m really hoping that you might change your mind in choosing your specialty. I wouldn’t have you scrub in for any other reason. Even before everything, I continually choose you to scrub into my surgeries because honestly this is what you should be doing. It has nothing to do with what was between us.” “You really think I could do this?”
Whipping her hands Addison answered with all sincerity, “I honestly think that you would be amazing. Believe it or not you bed side manor has improved and you’re great with the patients and kids. Reconsider Karev, I think if you don’t you’ll find that you missed your calling.”
Walking out of the room Addison was stopped by his final remarks, “Addison, I mean Doctor Montgomery, can we be friends?”
Turning Addison thinks for a moment before responding, “I would like that.”
Encouraged Alex smiles back and responded, “Good, as your friend, would you like to go for a drink tonight after work?”
Calling over her shoulder as she left the room, Addison answered, “Sure, drinks on you though.”
Shaking his head, Alex watched her leave, “Friends, I can defiantly be friends with Addison.”
Standing against the first floor coffee card, Addison was surprised to hear a familiar voice behind her, “Addison, haven’t seen you too much lately.”
Preparing herself, Addison turned to meet the man who she had once thought she’d spend the rest of her life with, “Derek, nice to see you too.”
“So what’s been going on? You’ve been noticeably absent for the past two weeks.” Reaching to pay for her coffee Addison was surprised to see Derek stop her as he paid for both of theirs.
“Thank you, you didn’t have to do that.”
“Well I thought buying you coffee might make you a little friendlier.”
Walking in front of him, Addison stopped and waited for him to match her stride. “What do you mean more friendly? I think I’ve been pretty nice considering everything.”
“Nice? You avoid me.”
“Sorry, I’m just not use to things. I need some space, plus last time I talked to you, you weren’t that friendly yourself.”
“Oh, yeah about that. I shouldn’t have yelled at you after you told me about you and Mark in New York. It was a little unreasonable.”
“A little? Try hypocritical, after everything with you and Meredith and then you have the-“
“Look like I said, I wasn’t thinking rationally at the moment.”
Deciding not to start another fight Addison relented, “Okay, apology excepted.”
“So… where were you?”
Leaning against the railing on the second floor skywalk Addison replied, “I’m surprised you noticed.”
Settling next to her Derek shrugged and responded, “So where were you?”
“I went to LA to visit Naomi.”
“LA, well that was something I wasn’t expecting. Why the sudden urge to see Naomi?”
Taking a moment Addison turned to stare out the window, “I went to look at a position down there. She has her own practice.”
“She offered you a deal?”
“Yeah, a partnership.”
“Wow, are you going to take it?”
“I haven’t officially decided but it’s looking pretty likely.”
“Why move, I mean you already have a great practice here and the possibility of the Chief position?”
“I need a change Derek. I don’t think I can stay in Seattle anymore. There’s just too many…”
Tapering off, Addison looked down not quite able to finish her sentence. After years of living with her Derek could already tell what she wanted to say but couldn’t quite admit.
“Memories… you’re leaving because of what’s happened.”
“Biting her lower lip Addison replied slowly, “What do I have left? It’s time to move on.”
“Addie, look, I know that we’ve… you’ve had a hard last couple of months but, I mean that’s no reason to leave. If you want to start over, do it here.”
“I can’t try to start over with you everywhere. Between you and Mark, Seattle Grace is a bad song on repeat. Everywhere I look I see you and Meredith: whispering at the nurses’ station, smiling at each other in the OR, kissing in the on call rooms, flirting in the cafeteria. And Mark, I can’t avoid him; everywhere I go he’s there. I can’t even hide from him up in the NICU.”
Trying to think quickly for a response Derek spat out the first thing that came to his mind. “Well got over it!”
Upset Addison threw up her hands and began walking in the opposite direction. Surprise at how a normal conversation between them had turned bitter in just seconds, he briskly walked after her calling, “Addison come back, I’m sorry.” Struggling to keep up with her, He tried again, “I’m sorry, just wait up.”
Frustrated Addison turned and walked back to where he stood, “Look, you have a lot of nerve-“Midsentence Addison realized that everyone was staring at them. Avoiding another scene, Addison gripped Derek’s Lab coat and led him into an empty exam room.
Shutting the door she continued, “Where do you get off telling me to get over it. Not everyone is like you Derek. I can’t just forget it and pretend like nothing ever happened. If that seems overly dramatic or pathetic to you… well tough, fuck you!”
Trying to recant his last words and reclaim the shaky ground that he was standing on Derek tried to cut in, “Addie-“
But before he could begin she interrupted, “No shut up! You’ll listen to me now. I’m tired of you not hearing me, were not married anymore. So damn it, you will not ignore me, or brush my feelings off as insignificant.”
Furious Addison pointed towards the exam bed, “Sit, you’re going to hear what I have to say.”
Like a child Derek out of surprise immediately sat.
“Look, I know things have been great for you the past few months. But they haven’t been for me. I get it, you’re happy with Meredith; she’s everything you never knew you always wanted. That’s great, I hope you two get a white picket fence, another SUV, and she gives you four sons. From the bottom of my heart I really do wish you happiness. But on that same note, I want to be happy too. And I think after everything that I’ve been through this year I deserve a little happiness. So forgive me if I have a hard time getting over the fact that my husband of eleven years left for the help and is currently living out his perfect love life in front of me. Forgive me but I don’t think I need to wait around for you and Meredith to get married and have kids. It’s time for me to move on, and if moving on for me means leaving Seattle than that’s what I’m going to do.”
“Addison, it’s been over a month now. You need to stop getting upset with the fact that I’m-“
Becoming even more furious by the moment, Addison dug her finger into his chest, “You don’t get to tell how I’m going to feel about you and Meredith. I’m no longer going to let my happiness revolve around you!” Turning to leave Addison stopped again at the door. She knew she wasn’t quite finished. “I’m moving on. If Dr. Grey wants her McDreamy she can have him! I don’t need you to be happy. I don’t need you to have a family. I can have my own. And don’t you dare look at me with those puppy dog; I didn’t mean to hurt you, eyes. “
Her head pounded as her arms began to shake from the adrenaline pumping through her body. With her hand still on the door knob, she leaned into the structure regrouping herself before she began again.
Softening a little Addison pushed off the door and walked over again to meet Derek as he stood up in protest. With a her hand raised Addison silenced him before he could begin, “I forgive you. After everything… I just choose to remember when we were happy. I want to leave Seattle on a good note with you.”
Not knowing what to say Derek decided to address the obvious, “So we can be friends then?”
“Derek-“Pausing, Addison tried to think of the right way to word her response. “You don’t get it, do you? “ She shook her head in disbelief, after all these years he still did understand how she felt, “And why should you? You never felt the same way.” Resigned to his ignorance she briskly shrugged her shoulder and shook her head, “No- and before you argue with me it’s not because I hate you and I’m bitter. I can’t be friends with you, it just hurts too much. When people have what you and I once had they can’t go back to being friends, it doesn’t work that way.”
With her words ringing in his ears, Derek suddenly found himself annoyed, “So what are you saying? After all this time, this is it. I can’t be with you, so then we can’t be friends?”
Shrugging her shoulders Addison responded, “I’m sorry; it has to be this way. If we’re friends I’ll never let go, and I need to move on. I can’t start over when I continuously have to revisit the past. I’m leaving.”
Searching her eyes, Derek desperately was trying to think of something semi intelligent to say, “This can’t be it. We’ve known each other for years. You can’t just throw that away!”
Smiling Addison prepared herself for the end of her relationship with Derek. “Honey I’m not. I’m changing it. There will always be an us. It doesn’t matter; no matter who we marry, fall in love with, start lives with, it will always be there. Just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean that we stop loving each other, or that we love or significant others less. It just wasn’t meant to work with us, I understand that now. But I’ll never stop loving you.”
Leaning in she kissed Derek one last time. As she broke apart from him, Addison inhaled, wanting to smell that familiar scent and remember it. Against his lips in a soft whisper she finalized their relationship, “Always”, then lingering in that last moment between them, she finished, “Be happy Derek.”
Shutting the door behind her, Derek was left in silence to think of his last real moments with her. After ten minutes alone Derek walked to the door, shut off the lights, and looked around the exam room one last time, “Always.”
Moving out into the hallway Derek spotted Meredith walking towards him.
“Hey, you I haven’t seen you all morning.”
Stopping Meredith noticed Derek looked a little tired, “Did something happen?”
Derek pulled Meredith in for hung and responded, “No, I nothing’s wrong, things just changed.”
Smiling Meredith replied playfully, “For the better or for worse?”
“Neither, just change.”
Walking into her office, Addison grabbed her coat and headed again for the elevator. She had decided that she’d earned her drink with Karev. It had been a long night and she needed to just sit with a friend and talk about nothing.
As the elevator doors shut she blew out a tired breath of relief, “Two down, one more to go.”

(Mark) ch.5

Music: My Invitation: Sara Slean

Standing alone in the hospital lobby she starred at the rain as it drizzled off the windows.
“How long are you going to stare at out that window?”
Turning, Addison’s eyes caught Mark. Leaning against the lobby fountain he looked different. The once confident Mark Sloan look tired, unsure and anxious.
Looking again out the window she replied, “Until I work up the nerve to talk to you.”
Sitting next to her Mark asked, “About what?”
“I’m leaving Mark. Tomorrow, I’m leaving for LA. I was made an offer to be a partner in a clinic there and I’m going to take it.”
Surprise Mark replied without thinking, “Why? Why leave now?”
“Why not leave?”
Mark didn’t know how to answer. “Because if you leave you’re running. And I guarantee you whatever your running from will still be there when you stop.”
“I’m not running Mark I’m starting over. I want to have a family, and I can’t do that here.”
“A family?”
“A baby.”
Taken back Mark replied, “With whom?”
“Myself, or at least I’m going to try. It might not work; I might not be able even with artificial insemination and state of the art technology.” Pausing she looked at him, “But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to try.”
“Artificially inseminate? Addison we could have had a child.”
“I know Mark and in light of my current situation that is actually very sad and ironic, but I can’t take it back right.”
Her voice broke a little as she continued, “You know I just can’t figure it out. Is it Karma because I’m just a bad person or does some higher power just have a terrible sense of humor.”
“Addie…” Not knowing what to say Mark said the first thing that came to mind, “I love you.”
“What?”
“I love you. I know that in the past I’ve made mistakes and so have you but I love you. I meant it when I said before and I mean it now. I didn’t break the bet, I lied. I didn’t want you to feel bad.”
Whipping the corner of her eye she answered back, “I know you didn’t.”
Sitting back, both starred out at the rain as minutes passed by. “Why?”
“Why what?”
“Why did you stay with me in New York? Was it all a lie or did you have feelings for me?”
“Mark, a lot happened in New York and not all of it was right but I don’t regret it.”
“You didn’t answer my question.”
Breaking her focus on the rain Addison finally looked at him and replied, “How could I not?”
Sitting up Mark answered her, “Then why stop?”
A million reasons ran through Addison’s mind, but at the moment none of them really were valid. Unable to come up with a real answer she shrugged her shoulders, “I don’t know.”
Addison and Mark, alone in the hospital lobby at ten o’clock at night just stared at one another, both apprehensive to leave but afraid to move forward. Moving closer, as Mark closed the distance between their mouths he asked for her permission, “If you don’t want me… well then tell me to stop.”
His fingers laced through her hair as his hands slip down her back. Shutting the door behind them Mark stopped and starred at her outline in the darkened room. Everything that Mark had ever wanted stood in front of him. She was all the he had ever dreamed of. From the moment his eyes locked on her in Med School Mark knew he had seen the most beautiful create nature had ever created. From the beginnings of their friendship he knew that he would never find someone else that was even comparable to her. Derek had married her; fourteen years ago he had put his best friend, his brother’s, happiness before his own and let him date and eventually marry the only woman Mark would love. He loved her for thirteen years in silence, and then he had, had his opportunity. After thirteen years of longing Mark broke a lifelong friendship and crossed an unspeakable boundary. He had touched and slept with the one woman he had ever really needed but had been forbidden to have. For Derek, women had always been the thrill of the chase. He had only wanted them until he knew they were his. Mark used think that he was same. That e would never be satisfied with quite nights and one woman. After Derek married Addie, Mark didn’t want to have that with anyone. If it couldn’t be with her, it seemed fruitless with anyone else. Mark had, had the thrill of the chase with countless women and each one had been an empty prize; none of it had meant anything to him. But from the moment Mark crossed that boundary of friendship and touched what he knew he had no business wanting the game had become meaningless. With Addison, he didn’t need the thrill of victory. He would gladly lose everyday for the rest of his life, never be the best again if it meant that he could be with her; he could be the source of her happiness.
“Are you just going to stare at me all night?”
Addison felt slightly insecure under his gaze. What was she doing? Addison had made up her mind, she leaving for LA tomorrow. She needed to start over, reclaim who she was. She had told herself, that tonight she would say goodbye to Mark. She would explain that he had been a necessity in her life. For years she had needed him as a friend; as her support and confidant when Derek couldn’t be there. But the last year, things had changed, the relationship that she had once only ever thought of as plutonic had progressed. Looking back, things had been progressing for years. She had loved Derek, but there had always been a spark between her and Mark. There had always been looks, jokes, and slightly awkward moments. Her time in New York only serve to confuse an already undefined relationship. Had she always had feelings for Mark? Was it possible that she had loved them both for all these years? Addison slowly walked over to Mark and stood on her tip toes, cupping his face in her hands.
Was she ready to leave? She was packed, her bags waiting at the door, her one way ticket to LA sitting on the bed stand. Everything in the room told Addison that she was ready to start over, prepared to move on. She had found her closure and tied up loose strings. Everything was waiting for her, ready for her to leave; everything but her. She told herself that it was only for one night, she would say her last goodbye. Her and Mark would touch and feel their way through their last moments and then she would finally leave her past behind.
Mark starred back at her, the anticipation of the touch making the air tense. He thought to himself that this might be their last time together. Did she want him? If she moved; something inside him told him that if she made the first move she wanted him. He waited against the door, his heart pounding with anticipation, but he refused to move. She would have to do it; he waited for her response, her okay.
Searching his eyes, she answered his unspoken question and leaned in, softly kissing him, “This is my invitation.”
Slowly she worked her hands down to the hem of his shirt, pulling it over his head. Kissing a trial down his chest she stopped at his belt buckle. Looking up she caught his eyes; hazing over with desire. Unbuckling his pants she ran her fingers over the material of his boxers. Reaching the waist band she tugged down. Preparing to take him into her mouth she was stopped. “Wait… Addie I would love for you to,” gesturing downward, “but this isn’t how I want tonight to be. We’ve always had great sex. But I don’t want sex tonight. Sex is… well I want more. Come here.” Gesturing upward Addison stood up.
Holding her gaze Mark, reached for the buttons on her collared shirt and slowly unbuttoned his way down the row. Coming to the last button he moved his hand back up to her shoulders, softly sliding the fabric down her arms.
Next he moved to her camisole, slowly lifting it over her head. As Mark removed each item of clothing from her body he took his time; admiring each new piece of skin that was revealed. Mark didn’t touch, other than to remove her clothing. He wanted to take his time and let each sense explore her separately and one at a time.
Standing naked in front of him, Mark really touched her for the first time as he guided her backwards with her shoulders. Laying her down on the bed Mark, had moved past the looking faze and moved on to the painstaking slow process of touching every inch of her body.
Softly he whispered in her ear, “Close your eyes.”
Mark moved down her body, letting his fingertips dance across her neckline, circle her bellybutton, glazed the back of her knee cap, sweep over her ankles. Moving back up her body, he stopped at her inner thighs and briefly brushed his index finger over her clit. Moving her head back, her hips rose slightly, welcoming his touch.
“Not yet.”
Mark continued on his conquest as he moved through his smelling faze and into tasting. Kissing every inch of her body Mark finally came back up to the center. Heavily breathing against her already aroused skin, Mark slowly dipped his tongue inside her. Soft noises filled the air as Mark, continued to taste her. Running his tongue across her clit, she ran her fingers through his hair. She called out his name, “Mark, please.”
Knowing what she had meant he moved against her and slowly pushed into her.
“Mark, did you put on a condom?”
Moving his body against her he replied, “We don’t need one.”
Looking into his eyes Addison instantly knew what he had meant. “Mark-“
“Addison, I want to. This is what you want and I want to give this to you.”
“Mark-“
“Addison, I love you and I’ll do anything for you. If this is what you want and I can give it to you than let me.”
Addison couldn’t deny that everything in her wanted to say yes. She wanted to take the chance, maybe to have his child. But part of her knew it was wrong. He wasn’t ready; Mark wasn’t ready to give what she needed. He would regret his choice “Mark, you’ll regret it. Right now it might seem right but you’ll regret it.” Even if he didn’t know it yet, somewhere she felt that it wasn’t right and that she would be taking something from him, something he wasn’t ready to give.
Mark kissed her and continued, “I won’t, please let me do this.”
“I can’t.”
Mark had let her off the hook with Alex, and deep inside Addison wanted to do the same. Part of her felt that if she did this now she would ultimately make him unhappy. He was beginning to rebuild his friendship with Derek, if she were to become pregnant , that action could jeopardize their already shaky friendship. Mark needed time to realize who he was and to rebuild his relationship with Derek. He didn’t need extra responsibility. Addison couldn’t define who he was; she knew that. Mark needed to understand and like who he was. And he needed to find that person alone; she couldn’t do it for him. To have a child now would trap him and stunt him from growing into what he could be.
So Addison showed him love, that in that moment she couldn’t verbally express. She let him go; she lied, “No I can’t do this with you.”
“What?”
Addison bit her lip and did her best to sound convincing, “Mark, I don’t want to have a child with you.”
Rolling off her, Mark sat on the side of the bed. Not knowing how to react he waited for her to finish. In silence Addison reached out and touched his back.
“I’m sorry Mark.”
Hurt, Mark reached for his clothing on the floor. “Don’t Addison.”
“Mark-“
“No, I don’t need you to console me. I get it you don’t want me.”
Draping the sheet around her she answered back, “Mark, it’s so much more complicated than that.”
Reaching for his shirt he retorted, “Do you love me?”
Taken back Addison couldn’t think how to respond. She was damned if she did and damned if she didn’t.
“What?”
Pulling on his shirt he stared at her and re-asked, “Do you love me?”
“I-I…”
Bitterly laughing Mark shook his head, “That’s what I thought.”
Moving towards the door his was stopped when she called out, “Yes, I love you.”
Mark turned and looked at her.
Now confident that she couldn’t take it back and he knew she restated herself, “I love you. To tell you truth I think I’ve loved you for years.”
Mark released his hand from the door handle. Everything that he had wanted for years was actualizing.
“You think or you know?”
“I know.”
Looking around the room Mark now noticed her packed bags and the ticket sitting next to the bed. “Then stay.”
“Mark-“
“No, I love you and I’ll do anything to make you happy. But I can’t follow you again. I’ve been following after you for years, and I’ve always been the person initiating this relationship. I can’t be that person anymore. I can’t keep following you. If you love me, prove it to me. If you love me Addison you’ll stay.”
“I can’t Mark.”
“Why, why can’t you stay?”
“I need start over.”
“Then start over here.”
“I can’t start over here there’s too much baggage.”
“And when you baggage why do I have a feeling this has to do with other person who always seems to be the silent partner in this relationship. Just say it Addie, you can’t stay because you still love him.”
“Mark, please try to understand.”
“God, you do. After everything you’re still in love with Derek aren’t you?”
Not trying to fight the obvious Addison answered back, “Yes, and don’t you dare look at me that way. What do you expect from me? Of course I still love him. I was with him for over a decade, somehow that doesn’t just disappear because of a cheap pair of black panties.”
“Do you love him like you love me?”
“What?”
“You heard me. Do you love him like you love me? Do you need him like you need me?”
“Mark, that isn’t fair.”
“The hell it isn’t. You can’t have him as the dream and me as the consolation prize.”
“It isn’t that way.”
“Oh it isn’t?”
“No, there’s something you don’t understand. I will always love Derek, it doesn’t matter what we have done to each other or what happens. It will always be there, we both know that. But that doesn’t mean that I want to be with him. I’ve already said my goodbyes to him. We know where we stand. We’ll always love each other but we weren’t meant to be together. That doesn’t mean that I love you any less because I’ll always love him. I love you two differently.”
“Then if it’s really over, stay. Prove to me that you can love us differently and stay.”
Addison bit her lower lip; she knew that she had to leave. LA no longer was her escape from Derek and the embarrassment of Alex. LA would also be her gift to Mark. She wanted him to be the person that she knew he could become, but he wouldn’t do it if she stayed now. He needed to do it alone, and if she stayed she’d only hold him back.
“I can’t.”
“You can’t or won’t?”
“Both.”
Silence filled the room as Mark held her gaze for a few moments. Then without a word he turned and walked out the door, leaving her alone.
“Goodbye Mark. I love you.”

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