text message inspirations
Rain and Friday's early rush hour- ugh. Well, here I am...
...Perched on a wobbly stool at the "local" B&N wondering whom I'm going to run into while I am here. Hopefully not too many people. I'm not in the mood... or am I? This cynical shell covers me like the "magic shell chocolate covering" for ice cream sundaes. You pour the thick, chunky liquid onto the ice cream and it will solidify into a coating of chocolaty goodness. I feel like someone has poured some sort of thick, chunky liquid onto me, which has solidified into a coating of cynical lifelessness. Bitter. Cold. Impetuous. I wish I could label myself as carefree but careless is the most accurate description of my own state of being. Doing what I want- when I want- how I want-exclusively. Doesn't seem far from an okay stature. In fact, it is the very pit of the American gem that is independence.
Independent: free from outside control; not depending on another’s authority. Not affected by others; impartial. Capable of thinking or acting for oneself.
Huh... doesn't seem so appalling. Not until it is taken to the extent of caring less for others for the sake of self-promotion.
Independence = strength and maturity. Right? I disagree. I feel a facet of independence represents such. There is a necessity for a degree of independence- self-sufficiency. And by self-sufficiency I do declare Christ-sufficiency. Being able to maintain a place of employment. Being capable of paying bills. Cooking for one, making decisions for oneself that are wise and sound (or even seemingly bogus). A level of independence is pertinent to this “growing up” thing. Not only important, but nearly sacred to the becoming of adulthood. My argument, though, lies not in this sort of independence.
My disputation is this: “independence” is an excuse to be self-absolved and careless of those around. “Independence” is an excuse to hide oneself in the façade of strength and maturity all the while being weak and feeble to the extent of fearing the quest for assistance. “Independence” is a mask of pride concealing any possible flaws or mishaps.
I am not sitting here attempting to categorize every “independent” individual as selfish or weak- not in the least. This is merely a statement of observation of a particular class of peoples who DO fall into this bleak description.
I’ve seen myself utilize this label to protect myself from others. “I don’t need others… I am strong enough on my own…” “I don’t need to ask for help, I can manage…” “No one really understands anyway; why bother?” “Only if person A were as independent as I, they wouldn’t have so many problems…” How dare I diminish the worth of others based upon my own inadequacies? Insecure and untrusting of others. Skeptic. That was my inner definition of independent. I appeared as someone who was strong and courageous-I “had it all together” and my “head was on straight.” I can sit here and share with you, in the most real and honest Cree I can be; that I was not. I was addicted. I was fearful. I was unsure of my surroundings. I didn’t know how to accept love. I didn’t accept myself. I feared rejection. I desired the approval of nearly everyone around me. “Oh, it’s Cree Menefee- man, she’s got her stuff together!” Boy did I ever have you fooled. I claimed independence for the sake of hiding my heart in an oubliette- a cold, dry, dreary dungeon. I had been hurt and did not want to be hurt again. So I categorized myself as independent. If I did not need anyone, then no one would be able to hurt me. I say I had you fooled- I was only fooling myself. I was dragging myself toward a place of depravity and codependency.
That is where the pith of my diatribe corroborates itself.
No longer am I that person. I am freed from those traps and fun house mirrors distorting my perspective of myself-and of my God. And that is where I find the authority to make the statement I have.
I leave it as such. Do with it what you will. If you are offended… well, if you’re independent, you won’t let my thoughts affect you anyway.
...Perched on a wobbly stool at the "local" B&N wondering whom I'm going to run into while I am here. Hopefully not too many people. I'm not in the mood... or am I? This cynical shell covers me like the "magic shell chocolate covering" for ice cream sundaes. You pour the thick, chunky liquid onto the ice cream and it will solidify into a coating of chocolaty goodness. I feel like someone has poured some sort of thick, chunky liquid onto me, which has solidified into a coating of cynical lifelessness. Bitter. Cold. Impetuous. I wish I could label myself as carefree but careless is the most accurate description of my own state of being. Doing what I want- when I want- how I want-exclusively. Doesn't seem far from an okay stature. In fact, it is the very pit of the American gem that is independence.
Independent: free from outside control; not depending on another’s authority. Not affected by others; impartial. Capable of thinking or acting for oneself.
Huh... doesn't seem so appalling. Not until it is taken to the extent of caring less for others for the sake of self-promotion.
Independence = strength and maturity. Right? I disagree. I feel a facet of independence represents such. There is a necessity for a degree of independence- self-sufficiency. And by self-sufficiency I do declare Christ-sufficiency. Being able to maintain a place of employment. Being capable of paying bills. Cooking for one, making decisions for oneself that are wise and sound (or even seemingly bogus). A level of independence is pertinent to this “growing up” thing. Not only important, but nearly sacred to the becoming of adulthood. My argument, though, lies not in this sort of independence.
My disputation is this: “independence” is an excuse to be self-absolved and careless of those around. “Independence” is an excuse to hide oneself in the façade of strength and maturity all the while being weak and feeble to the extent of fearing the quest for assistance. “Independence” is a mask of pride concealing any possible flaws or mishaps.
I am not sitting here attempting to categorize every “independent” individual as selfish or weak- not in the least. This is merely a statement of observation of a particular class of peoples who DO fall into this bleak description.
I’ve seen myself utilize this label to protect myself from others. “I don’t need others… I am strong enough on my own…” “I don’t need to ask for help, I can manage…” “No one really understands anyway; why bother?” “Only if person A were as independent as I, they wouldn’t have so many problems…” How dare I diminish the worth of others based upon my own inadequacies? Insecure and untrusting of others. Skeptic. That was my inner definition of independent. I appeared as someone who was strong and courageous-I “had it all together” and my “head was on straight.” I can sit here and share with you, in the most real and honest Cree I can be; that I was not. I was addicted. I was fearful. I was unsure of my surroundings. I didn’t know how to accept love. I didn’t accept myself. I feared rejection. I desired the approval of nearly everyone around me. “Oh, it’s Cree Menefee- man, she’s got her stuff together!” Boy did I ever have you fooled. I claimed independence for the sake of hiding my heart in an oubliette- a cold, dry, dreary dungeon. I had been hurt and did not want to be hurt again. So I categorized myself as independent. If I did not need anyone, then no one would be able to hurt me. I say I had you fooled- I was only fooling myself. I was dragging myself toward a place of depravity and codependency.
That is where the pith of my diatribe corroborates itself.
No longer am I that person. I am freed from those traps and fun house mirrors distorting my perspective of myself-and of my God. And that is where I find the authority to make the statement I have.
I leave it as such. Do with it what you will. If you are offended… well, if you’re independent, you won’t let my thoughts affect you anyway.