Breakfast With Belial Pt. 3 (I Think...)
I came in and I sat down, he remarked how long it's been since we talked, but I didn't reply, I just nodded. He asked how I was and I can be honest with him, I told him I wasn't doin' so great. He just nodded. I can't remember what he ordered, I just plate of potato chips and my usual cup of water.
"You gonna talk ?" he said reviewing the menu...I didn't wanna piss him off, so I decided to talk.
"I'm afraid." I said.
"No shit." he said, he didn't even bother to look in my direction, he's a smug asshole that way. "The real question is, of what." I just nodded. I realized my stomach was rumbling, picking up on this he simply said...
"Eat something."
"I'm thawing some chicken, hopefully I'll be able to cook it tonight."
He just nodded.
"You gonna tell me what ?"
"Hrm?" I was being honest then, I really didn't hear his comment. So I asked him, "What'd you say ?"
"Are you going to tell me what you're afraid of ?" This time he put the menu down and looked right into my eyes as he always does...the smug bastard.
I rolled my eyes at him...I wasn't angry just distressed, frustrated, there so much I could talk about and picking one topic was proving to be difficult.
"Take your time." he said, picking up the menu again, "it's your journal."
I nodded. "I'll be right back." I said, getting up from the table.
...
I came back and had a plate of some semblance of food, he just raised an eyebrow at me.
"Pepperoni and Crackers is not food." he said...his dry tone of voice annoying me as always.
"Can we just talk ?" I said.
"You invited me and if you recall correctly I already asked you a question. What are you afraid of ?"
That's right...he did...and I guess I stalled in answering it...I made myself a quick pepperoni and cracker sandwich and ate it to chew my answer over before I gave it to him...I swallowed and said...
"Losing everything."
"Everything ?"
"Everything."
"You are gonna lose everything idiot. Nothing lasts forever...not on Earth anyway."
There was silence, we didn't say anything for awhile, I just munched crackers.
"You're right..."
"Of course I'm right. So seriously, what's your problem ?"
"I guess, I feel like...what if I get there and I can't do it ?"
"Bullshit." he said. "That's bullshit and you know it. Because you know good and damn well that nothing is as hard as it seems. You said so yourself. So again, what is your problem ?"
"I don't know! There are you happy ?!"
"The Remedy" came on by Abandoned Pools, the first line of song really sang to me, "I could use a shot of novacaine." I have no clue why it did but at that moment...it did. He snapped his fingers and my attention was back on him.
"Sorry." I said..."Music, ya know ?"
He smirked and nodded.
"You're afraid to actually getting what you want Ugo. You and I both know this. You're afraid to try, because if you try and fail, it'll only confirm everything you've ever thought about yourself. That you're a nobody, a nothing , a fraud, a sham. You're afraid of getting screwed over in your business, you're afraid of being ignored and becoming an afterthought you're afraid of being a footnote. Isn't that you were afraid of with Amanda."
"Damnit." I muttered under my breath, the bastard was right. I hate it when he's right. He leaned back in his chair, the waiter finally approached him and took his order, Shrimp Scampi, good choice. We sat in silence for awhile until the waiter returned with his food, he started to chow down immediately. I just sat there watching him eat.
"Listen to me and you listen good. You written, what...35 graphic novels ?"
"Actually I think it's in the upper 30's yeah...lemme check."
He nodded and kept eating, I reached under my bed to grab my inventory sheet, I realized that my inventory sheet was actually in the folder on top of my printer. I took the folder and took out my inventory sheet and realized I was behind, so I filled it out...I was stunned when I reached the total. He sat there smiling.
"How many ?"
"48." I said, kinda smirking.
"And that's not counting the 6 Spike and Omar books and the one Sutsiroll book. That'd put you in the 50's wouldn't it ?"
"Yes it would."
"Ugo," he said putting down his fork, "You're an amazing person. You are, I don't know why the hell you feel like you have to beat yourself up or be afraid. I have yet to see you fail."
"I failed with Baines and Syther GTX."
"Those were not failures ! Your artwork ability wasn't up to par with those stories yet. They're still great stories aren't they ?"
"Yeah."
"And you're not even done. You got 200 more stories rattling around in your brain waiting to be told don't you ?"
"A few."
"Stop doing this Oh woe as me bullshit. You won't be getting anywhere with that. Just focus. This Blue Myst card game can and will be done. You just need to focus and believe it. God did not give you all this creative ability for you to sit on your ass with. You just need focus. Focus on what you want in life."
"It's not about what I want, it's about what they need."
"Pan and Jiragin ?"
"and Kim." I said.
He nodded and took a few more bites of his food, I'd ask for a bite but it's all imaginary. He gave me a look...he knew what I was thinking.
"Sorry." I said, The "I" word hurts him sometimes.
The scripts are gonna come back and you'll have the copyrights to them, mail those out to Charles and see what he can do and in the mean time, prep your Blue Myst game, it's not that hard. You have a plan, instead of being a dumbass and trying to do everything by yourself which is gonna cost all the money you don't have, why not go the cheap/expensive route. You already have a plan Ugo, you know how to do this."
I nodded. I agree with him.
"The screenplays will sell and if they don't, they don't. At least someone out there will know who you are. But the game thing you do now. You don't even need to sink money into screenwriting, the game you can."
"Right." I said.
"Why are feeling down right now ?"
He noticed I was starting to feel blue again, it always happens when someone tries to pep talk me.
"Hey ! Dumbfuck, look at me !" He shouted.
I looked.
"Stop it." He pointed his fork at me. "I am fuckin' serious, stop it. Don't you fuckin' worry about those film conventions here, you'll get there when you get there. Right now, one thing at a time. August is almost upon us, so what are you gonna do ?"
"What about my savings ?"
"What the fuck are you saving for ? This is a part time job, you're not gonna be makin' mega bucks. Geez, that's your problem, you're trying to penny pinch and it's backfiring. The reason why you feel like you're losing money is because you're not making it fast enough. There is no quick fix, there is no lottery, a huge lump of cash isn't gonna fall into your lap without you doing something."
"You're right."
"Secondly, stop being so fuckin' personal about your work. Yes you created Blue Myst, but it can make you money. Take a risk. Use some of your savings and when you get the chance, do to the Secretary of State, take the test, get your permit, practice and pass the test. You came so close last time, you know where you screwed up, you had it going nicely until you screwed up. So just relax and be aware, but not self-aware."
"Right, you really think I should spend my savings ?"
"You could've done it a long time ago if you weren't so cheap, stop waiting for money and use the money you got now."
"But--"
"It can wait and she'll understand. Kim love you deeply, when are you gonna realize you don't have to chop off your legs to make her happy ? Stop shooting yourself in the foot to save money to see her. Geez, if she knew that's what you were saving for she's tell you not to herself."
"...you're right."
"Stop being idle. You do this Monday, you go to bed early and you get up early. And while you're at it, maybe you could stop by Kinkos and see how much lamination would cost, and maybe even buy Final Crisis since you've been bitching about it since forever."
I gave him the middle finger, he chuckled. He knew I was starting to feel better.
"Ugo, you have a part time job, a part time job is for bullshit like this, paying this and that. You can't save any money if you have things you need, like cellphone minutes and right now you're not in any danger there so no need to spend. But you do need a license, so be active."
"Right." I said, this time I nodded, "What if I fail ?"
"You'll pass it when you pass it Ugo, you can't control God's time table. If you don't pass it maybe you're weren't supposed to pass it then, BUT you'll never know unless you take it. Be active, stop being idle. Be active. Be active. Be active. Always be active. Split Second is almost finished, you already got scripts coming at you. Focus on the game, finish Split Second when you can. You follow ?"
"I follow."
"Why am I repeating myself so much ?"
"I learn through repetition."
He nodded.
"Be active." I said.
He nodded again.
I stood up and paid the bill for breakfast as always, granted it's 3:26pm but when you're me, breakfast can be as late as 3pm...just no where after that. He thanked me for paying the bill, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek (Belial's Italian I guess...). He gave me a pat on the back and told me that if I ever needed to talk to him again, breakfast was gonna be on him. I apologized for not coming to see him sooner, but he disregarded it and told me that I was just learning how to grow up. We said our Goodbyes and I left the diner.
"You gonna talk ?" he said reviewing the menu...I didn't wanna piss him off, so I decided to talk.
"I'm afraid." I said.
"No shit." he said, he didn't even bother to look in my direction, he's a smug asshole that way. "The real question is, of what." I just nodded. I realized my stomach was rumbling, picking up on this he simply said...
"Eat something."
"I'm thawing some chicken, hopefully I'll be able to cook it tonight."
He just nodded.
"You gonna tell me what ?"
"Hrm?" I was being honest then, I really didn't hear his comment. So I asked him, "What'd you say ?"
"Are you going to tell me what you're afraid of ?" This time he put the menu down and looked right into my eyes as he always does...the smug bastard.
I rolled my eyes at him...I wasn't angry just distressed, frustrated, there so much I could talk about and picking one topic was proving to be difficult.
"Take your time." he said, picking up the menu again, "it's your journal."
I nodded. "I'll be right back." I said, getting up from the table.
...
I came back and had a plate of some semblance of food, he just raised an eyebrow at me.
"Pepperoni and Crackers is not food." he said...his dry tone of voice annoying me as always.
"Can we just talk ?" I said.
"You invited me and if you recall correctly I already asked you a question. What are you afraid of ?"
That's right...he did...and I guess I stalled in answering it...I made myself a quick pepperoni and cracker sandwich and ate it to chew my answer over before I gave it to him...I swallowed and said...
"Losing everything."
"Everything ?"
"Everything."
"You are gonna lose everything idiot. Nothing lasts forever...not on Earth anyway."
There was silence, we didn't say anything for awhile, I just munched crackers.
"You're right..."
"Of course I'm right. So seriously, what's your problem ?"
"I guess, I feel like...what if I get there and I can't do it ?"
"Bullshit." he said. "That's bullshit and you know it. Because you know good and damn well that nothing is as hard as it seems. You said so yourself. So again, what is your problem ?"
"I don't know! There are you happy ?!"
"The Remedy" came on by Abandoned Pools, the first line of song really sang to me, "I could use a shot of novacaine." I have no clue why it did but at that moment...it did. He snapped his fingers and my attention was back on him.
"Sorry." I said..."Music, ya know ?"
He smirked and nodded.
"You're afraid to actually getting what you want Ugo. You and I both know this. You're afraid to try, because if you try and fail, it'll only confirm everything you've ever thought about yourself. That you're a nobody, a nothing , a fraud, a sham. You're afraid of getting screwed over in your business, you're afraid of being ignored and becoming an afterthought you're afraid of being a footnote. Isn't that you were afraid of with Amanda."
"Damnit." I muttered under my breath, the bastard was right. I hate it when he's right. He leaned back in his chair, the waiter finally approached him and took his order, Shrimp Scampi, good choice. We sat in silence for awhile until the waiter returned with his food, he started to chow down immediately. I just sat there watching him eat.
"Listen to me and you listen good. You written, what...35 graphic novels ?"
"Actually I think it's in the upper 30's yeah...lemme check."
He nodded and kept eating, I reached under my bed to grab my inventory sheet, I realized that my inventory sheet was actually in the folder on top of my printer. I took the folder and took out my inventory sheet and realized I was behind, so I filled it out...I was stunned when I reached the total. He sat there smiling.
"How many ?"
"48." I said, kinda smirking.
"And that's not counting the 6 Spike and Omar books and the one Sutsiroll book. That'd put you in the 50's wouldn't it ?"
"Yes it would."
"Ugo," he said putting down his fork, "You're an amazing person. You are, I don't know why the hell you feel like you have to beat yourself up or be afraid. I have yet to see you fail."
"I failed with Baines and Syther GTX."
"Those were not failures ! Your artwork ability wasn't up to par with those stories yet. They're still great stories aren't they ?"
"Yeah."
"And you're not even done. You got 200 more stories rattling around in your brain waiting to be told don't you ?"
"A few."
"Stop doing this Oh woe as me bullshit. You won't be getting anywhere with that. Just focus. This Blue Myst card game can and will be done. You just need to focus and believe it. God did not give you all this creative ability for you to sit on your ass with. You just need focus. Focus on what you want in life."
"It's not about what I want, it's about what they need."
"Pan and Jiragin ?"
"and Kim." I said.
He nodded and took a few more bites of his food, I'd ask for a bite but it's all imaginary. He gave me a look...he knew what I was thinking.
"Sorry." I said, The "I" word hurts him sometimes.
The scripts are gonna come back and you'll have the copyrights to them, mail those out to Charles and see what he can do and in the mean time, prep your Blue Myst game, it's not that hard. You have a plan, instead of being a dumbass and trying to do everything by yourself which is gonna cost all the money you don't have, why not go the cheap/expensive route. You already have a plan Ugo, you know how to do this."
I nodded. I agree with him.
"The screenplays will sell and if they don't, they don't. At least someone out there will know who you are. But the game thing you do now. You don't even need to sink money into screenwriting, the game you can."
"Right." I said.
"Why are feeling down right now ?"
He noticed I was starting to feel blue again, it always happens when someone tries to pep talk me.
"Hey ! Dumbfuck, look at me !" He shouted.
I looked.
"Stop it." He pointed his fork at me. "I am fuckin' serious, stop it. Don't you fuckin' worry about those film conventions here, you'll get there when you get there. Right now, one thing at a time. August is almost upon us, so what are you gonna do ?"
"What about my savings ?"
"What the fuck are you saving for ? This is a part time job, you're not gonna be makin' mega bucks. Geez, that's your problem, you're trying to penny pinch and it's backfiring. The reason why you feel like you're losing money is because you're not making it fast enough. There is no quick fix, there is no lottery, a huge lump of cash isn't gonna fall into your lap without you doing something."
"You're right."
"Secondly, stop being so fuckin' personal about your work. Yes you created Blue Myst, but it can make you money. Take a risk. Use some of your savings and when you get the chance, do to the Secretary of State, take the test, get your permit, practice and pass the test. You came so close last time, you know where you screwed up, you had it going nicely until you screwed up. So just relax and be aware, but not self-aware."
"Right, you really think I should spend my savings ?"
"You could've done it a long time ago if you weren't so cheap, stop waiting for money and use the money you got now."
"But--"
"It can wait and she'll understand. Kim love you deeply, when are you gonna realize you don't have to chop off your legs to make her happy ? Stop shooting yourself in the foot to save money to see her. Geez, if she knew that's what you were saving for she's tell you not to herself."
"...you're right."
"Stop being idle. You do this Monday, you go to bed early and you get up early. And while you're at it, maybe you could stop by Kinkos and see how much lamination would cost, and maybe even buy Final Crisis since you've been bitching about it since forever."
I gave him the middle finger, he chuckled. He knew I was starting to feel better.
"Ugo, you have a part time job, a part time job is for bullshit like this, paying this and that. You can't save any money if you have things you need, like cellphone minutes and right now you're not in any danger there so no need to spend. But you do need a license, so be active."
"Right." I said, this time I nodded, "What if I fail ?"
"You'll pass it when you pass it Ugo, you can't control God's time table. If you don't pass it maybe you're weren't supposed to pass it then, BUT you'll never know unless you take it. Be active, stop being idle. Be active. Be active. Be active. Always be active. Split Second is almost finished, you already got scripts coming at you. Focus on the game, finish Split Second when you can. You follow ?"
"I follow."
"Why am I repeating myself so much ?"
"I learn through repetition."
He nodded.
"Be active." I said.
He nodded again.
I stood up and paid the bill for breakfast as always, granted it's 3:26pm but when you're me, breakfast can be as late as 3pm...just no where after that. He thanked me for paying the bill, he gave me a hug and a kiss on the cheek (Belial's Italian I guess...). He gave me a pat on the back and told me that if I ever needed to talk to him again, breakfast was gonna be on him. I apologized for not coming to see him sooner, but he disregarded it and told me that I was just learning how to grow up. We said our Goodbyes and I left the diner.