If you ever doubted Chuck Norris, u won't live long enough to regret it
Top 100 Facts about Chuck Norris
*Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
*Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
*Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
*Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
*Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
*When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
*The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
*Chuck Norris can speak braille.
*If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
*Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
*Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
*Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
*Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
*Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
*Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
*Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
*A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
*Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
*Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."
*Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
*The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
*When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
*Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
*Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
*Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
*Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
*We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
*Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
*Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
*If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
*At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
*They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.
*Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.
*Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
*Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
*Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.
*Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".
*Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO.
*The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.
*A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
*The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
*In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.
*When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
*Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
*The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".
*Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
*Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
*If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.
*Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
*Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
*If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
*If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.
*When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
*Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
*Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
*Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.
*Chuck Norris uses Viagra eyedrops so he can look hard.
*Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.
*Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.
*Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
*Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.
*When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.
*When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow.
*Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.
*Chuck Norris once fought a bear simply because it dared to grow more body hair than Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
*Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
*Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.
*Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
*Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.
*Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
*Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
*One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
*Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
*Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.
*Women never say no to Chuck Norris. Even if they don't want to, they know its eventually gonna happen.
*Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Chuck Norris has 7,483.
*Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.
*Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
*Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.
*Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem.
*Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
*Chuck Norris took the Blue Pill and still found out the truth.
*Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.
*If Chuck Norris were an Olympic athlete, the Olympics would be canceled. Every four years they would just mail Chuck Norris his 237 gold medals.
*Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
*The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.
*It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
*Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
*God created heaven and earth, he then created man. Man overpopulated the earth, so, God created Chuck Norris.
*After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
*Chuck Norris' only pick up line is him snapping his fingers, pointing at a girl, and then pointing to his bulge. Chuck Norris gets it all the time.
*Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.
*Chuck Norris once took part in a Civil War reenactment. It was the bloodiest day in American history.
*Women don't fantasize about Chuck Norris. They think back.
*Chuck Norris bought his wife chocolate for Valentines Day on Feb. 15. She said baby you are a day late. He roundhouse kicked the clock for lieing and roundhouse kicked his wife for questioning him. Then he ate her candy.
*Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting implies the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.
*Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.
*Chuck Norris counted to infinity - twice.
*Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
*Chuck Norris once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now The Islands.
*When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
*The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.
*Chuck Norris can speak braille.
*If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.
*Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
*Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.
*Chuck Noris puts the "laughter" in "manslaughter".
*Chuck Norris sleeps with a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
*Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.
*Chuck Norris does not know where you live, but he knows where you will die.
*Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.
*A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.
*Leading hand sanitizers claim they can kill 99.9 percent of germs. Chuck Norris can kill 100 percent of whatever the fuck he wants.
*Chuck Norris, Vin Diesel and Arnold Schwarzenegger have all died and are in Heaven. Each of them hope to occupy the seat next to God. God asks Vin Diesel why he thinks he should have the seat and Vin replies, "I believe... I should have the seat because of the virtuosity in my toughness and pride." Arnie says, "I believe... that I should be the one sitting next to you because of all my achievements." God then turns to Chuck Norris, who replies with, "I believe... you are sitting in my seat."
*Pee Wee Herman got arrested for masturbating in public. The same day, Chuck Norris got an award for masturbating in public.
*The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.
*When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.
*Chuck Norris died ten years ago, but the Grim Reaper can't get up the courage to tell him.
*Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.
*Geico saved 15% by switching to Chuck Norris.
*Most men are OK with their wives fantasizing about Chuck Norris during sex, because they are doing the same thing.
*We all know the magic word is please. As in the sentence, "Please don't kill me." Too bad Chuck Norris doesn't believe in magic.
*Chuck Norris is currently in a legal battle with the makers of Bubble Tape. Norris claims "6 Feet of Fun" is actually the trademark for his penis.
*Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.
*If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's fucking beef.
*At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris
*They say that lightning never strikes the same place twice. Niether does Chuck Norris. He doesn't have to.
*Chuck Norris once went on Celebrity Jeopardy and answered, "Who is Chuck Norris?" to every question. It was the first and only time in Jeopardy history that a contestant answered every single question right.
*Chuck Norris can divide by zero.
*Little kids enjoy lighting ants on fire with magnifying glasses. Chuck Norris enjoys lighting little kids on fire with ants. Scientists have yet to find out how this feat is achieved.
*Whenever Chuck Norris's wife asks him nicely to do the dishes, he throws them in the garbage and tells her she looks fat.
*Chuck Norris ends every relationship with "Its not me, its you".
*Chuck Norris owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoloy card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green ..4 card from the game UNO.
*The only thing we have to fear is fear itself... The only thing fear has to fear is Chuck Norris.
*A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.
*The reason newborn babies cry is because they know they have just entered a world with Chuck Norris.
*In order to survive a nuclear attack, you must remember to stop, drop, and be Chuck Norris.
*When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words "Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.
*Chuck Norris can slam revolving doors.
*The most effective form of suicide known to man is to type "Chuck Norris" into Google and hit "I'm Feeling Lucky!".
*Chuck Norris got in touch with his feminine side, and promptly got her pregnant.
*Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris.
*If you see Chuck Norris crying he will grant you a wish, if your wish is dying.
*Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he pisses.
*Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
*If at first you don't succeed, you are obviously not Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the shit out of little kids.
*If you come home to find Chuck Norris doing your wife, it's probably best to go fetch a glass of water and stand there in case Chuck gets thirsty. There ain't no future in any other course of action.
*When Chuck Norris exercises, the machine gets stronger.
*Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked Bruce Lee, breaking him in half. The result was Jet Li and Jackie Chan.
*Chuck Norris' cowboy boots are made from real cowboys.
*Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.
*Chuck Norris uses Viagra eyedrops so he can look hard.
*Chuck Norris was sending an email one day, when he realized that it would be faster to run.
*Chuck Norris refers to himself in fourth person.
*Chuck Norris' sperm can penetrate 13 condoms, the birth control pill, a brick wall, and the 1975 Pittsburgh Steelers offensive line in order to impregnate a woman.
*Contrary to popular belief, George Bush is a great speaker and rarely mispronounces words. He appears incompetent because he knows Chuck Norris is watching.
*When the Incredible Hulk gets angry he transforms into Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris never gets brain freeze. Slurpees know when to back the fuck off.
*When Chuck Norris laughs too hard while drinking milk, he accidently shits a cow.
*Whenever someone is constipated, doctors send them to Chuck Norris so he can scare the shit out of them.
*Chuck Norris once fought a bear simply because it dared to grow more body hair than Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days.
*Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.
*Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.
*Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.
*Chuck Norris does not have pubic hair, he has a groin beard.
*Aliens do exist. They're just waiting for Chuck Norris to die before they attack.
*Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.
*One time in an airport a guy accidently called Chuck Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his apology and politley signed an autograph. Nine months later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby. The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames nobody but himself.
*Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.
*Heart disease may be the new leading cause of death in women age 45 to 65, but Chuck Norris is still the leading cause of death in men age 0 to 125.
*Women never say no to Chuck Norris. Even if they don't want to, they know its eventually gonna happen.
*Everyone has a skeleton in their closet. Chuck Norris has 7,483.
*Jesus's Birthday isn't December 25 but Chuck Norris once sent him a birthday card for that day, Jesus was too scared to tell Chuck the truth. Thats why we celebrate Christmas.
*Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.
*Switzerland isn't really neutral. They just haven't figured out what side Chuck Norris is on yet.
*Chuck Norris has never had an alcohol problem. However, alcohol has had a Chuck Norris problem.
*Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.
*Chuck Norris is allowed to talk about Fight Club.
*Chuck Norris took the Blue Pill and still found out the truth.
*Chuck Norris does not leave messages. Chuck Norris leaves warnings.
*If Chuck Norris were an Olympic athlete, the Olympics would be canceled. Every four years they would just mail Chuck Norris his 237 gold medals.
*Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did.
*The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris always wins.
*It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates never were very smart.
*Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris invented the car accident.
*God created heaven and earth, he then created man. Man overpopulated the earth, so, God created Chuck Norris.
*After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".
*Chuck Norris' only pick up line is him snapping his fingers, pointing at a girl, and then pointing to his bulge. Chuck Norris gets it all the time.
*Chuck Norris uses all seven letters in Scrabble... Every turn.
*Chuck Norris once took part in a Civil War reenactment. It was the bloodiest day in American history.
*Women don't fantasize about Chuck Norris. They think back.
*Chuck Norris bought his wife chocolate for Valentines Day on Feb. 15. She said baby you are a day late. He roundhouse kicked the clock for lieing and roundhouse kicked his wife for questioning him. Then he ate her candy.