Heal your Hurt
Heal your Hurt
Title: Heal your Hurt
Rating: T
Pairing: Surana (Nienna)/Alistair, Surana/Teagan
Synopsis: The moment a woman hits a man in the face with an Arcane Bolt in a blood-soaked hall is generally not a notable one in any romantic literature. But sometimes he wonders why not. Love hurts, after all. Surana/Alistair, later Surana/Teagan.
Warnings: Angst, spoilers.
Chapter One available here.
…
He manages to keep her out of his mind for much of the time. The recovery of the town takes up much of his attention and of course, the Blight is keeping everyone busy. He has his brother’s family to care for as well. His days are not his own.
He has no control over his thoughts when he enters the Fade each night however. His dreams of her are bittersweet and tormenting yet he almost regrets it when he wakes. And, during the few quiet moments he has during the day, his thoughts are with her, worrying for her, hoping she is well. He has not prayed so earnestly for anything since he was a child.
So when the arrival of the Wardens is announced, he is so full of relief and surprise that he has almost forgotten why they have come. He is far too eager to see her again.
Nienna looks very different from the last time he saw her. Partly it is because of what she is wearing; robes of blue and gold, slit to the thigh (designed, he is sure, especially to torture him) and partly it is due to the fact she has a sword strapped to her back instead of a staff. But he realises that the change in her is more than just her appearance, the way she is carrying herself it completely different, as if she has seen things so terrible that the terrible nights in Redcliffe don’t even compare.
He wonders if he will ever have a chance to learn all that has happened to her.
Her eyes are the same though, which reassures him, bright and full of interest as she scans the room before seeing him and her smile as she greets him is sudden and mischievous. "Guess what we’ve found?" she asks him, and it takes him a long moment to respond.
"The Ashes… you’ve found them?" he asks in something like shock. He probably should not be surprised that she has done the impossible, but it is Isolde and Alistair’s impatience that breaks him out of his startled reflections. He follows them upstairs, eyes fixed on the little pouch she carries in her gloved hand.
He doesn’t know what he is happiest about, that is brother is about to be healed, or that Nienna has returned.
…
His brother is well, and he is glad, of course, but he cannot help but nurture a small ache in his chest when he sees Eamon surrounded by his loving family. A wife and a child is not something he has ever envied before, nor anything that he has felt the lack of, until now.
The next day is spent peacefully, Eamon stretching his neglected muscles in the grounds with his wife and son, before calling in Alistair to speak with him. The Warden’s companions are scattered throughout the castle, enjoying the novelty of soft beds and warm water. It’s in this quiet time that he finds her alone in the library, aside from her mabari, reading a thick tome with an expression of utter contentment.
"Hello Nienna," he greets her, letting nothing more than warm politeness show in his tone.
Her answering smile is welcoming, and she moves her stockinged feet from the chair opposite so he can join her. He feels nervous, ridiculously so for a man of his age. He determinedly does not look as she curls her legs beneath her, the cut of her robes showing more skin that he assumes she realises.
"How have you been, Teagan?" she asks him, and at first he answers politely and non-descriptively, but her careful questions and genuine concern soon strip that deception from him. He tells her of the worries and struggles of rebuilding the town; of how terribly he had feared for his brother and of how the lack of news from his own Bannorn had been troubling him. He opens up to her so completely and so unexpectedly that he appreciates how she can inspire such a diverse group to follow her, and how she can persuade a town full of frightened people into doing what needs to be done.
The only troubles he does not speak of are the ones she unwittingly caused. It is enough, more than, to have this time alone with her. He likes to think that they are at least friends, now.
"But what of you?" he asks finally, feeling guilty for speaking so much of himself. "I’m sure you have been through worse since we last met."
"Don’t say that," she chides him, leaning forward to lightly strike the back of his hand. "You’ve had no-one to confide in. That always makes everything seem worse."
"I feel much better now," he assures her, glad for her ready understanding. "But I would still like to hear of your adventures."
"You’re probably better off asking Leliana, you know," she informs him, suddenly seeming bashful. "I’m not much of a story-teller and she’s probably put everything that’s happened into rhyme by now."
"I would still rather hear it from you." That is an understatement, but she didn’t need to know it.
"Don’t say I didn’t warn you," she warns him humorously, before launching into a tale that focused as much on her companions as it did werewolves and dragons. She is right that she is not much of story-teller, her journey is told disjointedly, in whatever order occurs to her but he listens breathlessly to all of the dangers she has faced, and all that she has achieved.
"When did you learn to use a sword?" he asks at one point.
"The trapped spirit of an ancient elven arcane warrior gave me his memories in exchange for his freedom," she replies, completely matter-of-factly.
He can’t help but laugh. "Oh, of course. How foolish of me not to realise."
She laughs with him. He takes the time to memorise her smile, the way she tosses her head back when she laughs and how she gestures with her hands when she’s explaining something. This might be the only time he ever gets to spend alone with her; he’s not going to waste it.
Eventually though, Alistair interrupts them. He comes and leans against her chair, their arms brushing comfortably together as he smiles at them both. Teagan can’t help feeling a flash of irrational irritation at him; after all, neither of them know of his feelings. But Alistair gets all of her; can’t he spare just a couple of hours? But the irritation passes as quickly as it comes. He is genuinely fond of Alistair, and cannot begrudge him his happiness.
"The Arl wishes to speak to us," Alistair announces, an undertone of discomfort in his voice. Nienna glances at him, a moment of silent communication so profound that Teagan has to look away.
Eventually, Nienna sighs and leans forward to retrieve her boots. Alistair looks unabashedly at her exposed legs, although he does blush when Teagan catches his eye and raises an eyebrow. The three of them make their way to the great hall, collecting the rest of Nienna’s company as they go.
It is good to see Eamon on his feet, and he cannot help but grin at his brother, despite the serious feeling of the meeting. His brother returns the smile, before turning to Nienna.
He formally thanks her for her aid to Redcliffe, and she shifts awkwardly as she accepts his reward. But the meeting soon turns to its true purpose. The kingdom of Fereldan. And Alistair.
"I don’t want to be king!" Alistair exclaims at last. But Eamon is unsympathetic, which Teagan understands, to a certain extent. He does not see how an un-unified Fereldan can stand against the Blight. Nienna brushes her fingers against the back of Alistair’s hand. The gesture is a subtle one but it comforts him, and quiets his arguments.
Teagan notices it, however. And if the little frown Eamon is wearing, he notices it too.
The Wardens leave shortly after the meeting. They still have to go to Orzammar before any issues of kingship can be resolved. Teagan regrets that there is no time for a personal goodbye this time, but the meeting seems to have reignited the sense of urgency that has been missing throughout that day of rest.
As the door closes behind them, Eamon’s frown does not fade. "I think the Warden is going to cause a problem," he sighs at last.
"Nienna?" Teagan blurts without thinking. He notices Eamon’s raised eyebrow at the use of her first name, so blunders on quickly, hoping to distract him. "The woman who has just saved your life? And that of your son and your town?"
Eamon turns his scowl on him. "And I am not ungrateful, Teagan. But she has far too much influence over the boy. He’s far too fond of her as well. Do you really think that Fereldan is ready for an elven queen? An elven mage queen."
Teagan doesn’t reply. The answer to that question is all too obvious. But he doesn’t want to think of the hurt that this will cause her; will cause both of them.
He especially doesn’t want to think about the tiny spark of selfish hope that comes to life in his chest when he considers Eamon’s words.
…
The Wardens return from Orzammar a few months later, looking worn and exhausted. Teagan notices with alarm that Nienna has lost a lot of weight, a concern that seems to be shared by her party. Both the elderly mage and the bard encourage her to eat extra portions at dinner that night, despite how sleepy she looks.
"The Deep Roads were horrifying," Nienna tells him in passing, but they have so little time to talk that he does not manage to hear the whole story before they leave to call the Landsmeet. It leaves him imagining the worse, the thoughts of what she must have faced, and what she will be facing in Denerim, tormenting him.
He chafes at being left behind, yet again.
It takes weeks for news to reach him, but soon it is announced all over Fereldan. They have a new king at last. Alistair.
When Eamon returns to Redcliffe he is in an exultant mood, practically glowing from his triumph. Alistair is king, and part of Teagan, the part that remembers him as a mud-covered boy, cannot believe it.
He doesn’t ask about Nienna. He has given away enough of his feelings to his brother already. Besides, soon Redcliffe is under siege by the Darkspawn and he has no time for personal concerns. However, Nienna’s arrival is as timely as ever, soon bailing them out of danger. They know that the danger is only just beginning, and that they need to defeat the archdemon while it is still possible.
The distance between Alistair and Nienna becomes clear, when the discussion is finished and her companions separate to find rest. They both seem miserable. They do not stay together. They do not speak to each other, but they keep sending each other longing looks when they think that they are unobserved. Teagan does not think that the distance between them will last for much longer, no matter what Eamon thinks. The knowledge makes him a little sad, but he cannot stand the pain in Nienna’s expression.
Eventually she leaves him to speak with her fellow Wardens while he helps his brother organise their troops. They need to be ready to leave in the morning.
…
Later that night, on his way to his room, he finds her lurking alone in the corridor, in bare feet and with her hair unbound. This doesn’t make sense, until he realises that she is staring at Alistair’s bedroom, obviously trying to work up the nerve to go in.
If she is planning on slipping into the king’s bedroom for some comfort on the night before they leave for battle then he doesn’t want to know, for more than one reason. She notices him before he can leave though, and he smiles at her awkwardly. He is unsure of what to say to her, so he simply wishes her goodnight.
He can never tell her all the things he wants to, anyway.
"Teagan?" she calls before he even takes three steps. He turns back to her and notices her expression. She seems troubled, almost guilty, but without being embarrassed. He realises that, whatever is going on, it is not what he has assumed. He is caught between relief and concern at the thought.
He comes closer, his eyes on her wringing hands, before shifting to her drawn face. He knows that she is under strain, but he has never before seen this degree of uncertainty in her before. She may have had leadership thrust upon her, but she understands that appearing confident is a big part of it.
He feels privileged to know that she trusts him enough to drop her mask.
She fidgets for a moment before finally asking him, "If you could choose to do something that would stop something bad from happening now, but might cause something bad to happen in the future, would you do it?" Her voice is soft and painfully unsure. He realises with a start that she is afraid, terribly, horribly afraid.
He considers her question carefully, wanting to reassure and comfort her. He doesn’t have to ask if it is to do with the Blight - what isn’t to do with the Blight right now? - but he also knows better to ask for more details, as much as he wants to. Her cagey manner screams ’Grey Warden secrets’ louder than anything else she could have said.
"You don’t know that something bad could happen?" he asks, and she shakes her head.
"But I don’t know for sure that it won’t either," she replies, still looking at her clasped fingers. He is unsurprised at her answer, but his own worries have awoken at the thought of whatever the bad thing is that she wants to prevent. However, he knows that she would not want to risk harming anyone else.
He doesn’t know what to say to her. He wants to still her twisting fingers with his own. He wants to draw her into his arms, stroke her hair and soothe away her fear and uncertainty. But that is not for him to do, that role belongs to the man whose room they are lingering outside of.
So he clasps her shoulder in the same he way he would encourage his nephew if he was worried about something. "Nienna, I think you should make whatever choice you can live with."
She laughs, high pitched and strained. Her shoulder trembles beneath his hand and he grips harder without realising it. But the indecision fades from her face as she considers his words. Her fingers come up to brush the Griffin on the pendant she wears around her neck and she sighs. Her decision is made.
She looks up at him and his heart falters. He thought that fear is the worse expression he would ever see on her face. He’s wrong. Her face is still and calm and determined in a way he has seen before, on the faces of soldiers before battle, who have accepted the fact they are going to die, accepted it so completely that there is no longer any room for dread, no room for anything but duty.
He knows that he has given her the wrong advice. He should have told her to do whatever it took to survive, whatever she needed to do to come back from the battle. What good is the future if she is not in it?
But she has already stepped away from him, and away from Alistair’s room. She smiles at him in a way that makes it clear she is saying goodbye. "Thank you, Teagan. That’s just what I needed to hear."
"Nienna," he whispers, not knowing what he would say next, but knowing that all of his hidden feelings are moments away from tumbling out of his mouth.
She doesn’t give him a chance to speak further. "Goodnight, Teagan. And if I don’t have a chance to speak to you tomorrow, then be well."
"Goodbye," he replies softly to her back. After she turns the corner, heading towards her own bedroom, he adds quietly, unheard, "I love you."
…
The battle is as terrible as he expected. The waves of Darkspawn seem endless, and the roars and cries of the archdemon freeze his blood. He cannot see Nienna or Alistair; it is hours since they entered the city after the great dragon.
His is afraid for her. He is afraid of what she will do, of what her words yesterday meant, but he barely has time to think between attacks.
The battle is suddenly interrupted by a pillar of light, scattering the night and the Darkspawn both. It’s over. He feels no relief, only dread. Where is Nienna? It takes hours for the confusion to end, for the Wardens to be found, and he thinks not knowing will send him mad.
But news does arrive at last. Nienna is alive. That’s all he hears for a long moment, relief deafening him, until he sees Eamon’s face. He looks as if he has relapsed into his illness, his face is so grey.
Its then he knows. King Alistair is dead.
…
Teagan tries to find Nienna in the next few days, but is prevented by both the queen and her circle of fiercely protective friends. He just wants her to know that he is there for her, but is told over and over again that she is wounded and grief-stricken and needs rest.
That doesn’t prevent Anora from showing her off like a prize mabari after her coronation, however. For the first time Teagan sees her after the battle, pale and hollow-eyed, the side of her face scarred as if some terrible clawed beast has struck her. The fact that that is probably exactly what happened makes him feel cold. He watches the rest of the ceremony with a heavy heart, feeling her grief and weariness as if they were his own emotions.
He sees her grimace at the title ’Hero of Fereldan’ and understands that she just wants to be left alone, to mourn in peace.
He searches for her more determinedly after the ceremony. He wants to comfort her, to let her know that he shares her grief, but he cannot find her.
Eventually, he comes across most of her companions sharing a silent drink, aside from the witch and the qunari. He can’t actually remember the last time he saw the witch but the qunari has taken to following her like a large, menacing shadow and his absence is conspicuous.
"How is Nienna?" he asks them, watching them all share a troubled glance.
"She’s gone," the bard tells him sympathetically.
"Gone?" he echoes, feeling the word like a physical blow.
"She’s gone with Sten to
Seheron. She wanted to get away for a while," the mage informed him sadly. "There’s too much sorrow for her here, I think."
"I think it will do her good," the bard proclaimed hopefully, before looking back at him. "She said to say goodbye."
Teagan can’t believe she’s left him behind again.
By the time he sees her again, he has almost given up hope that she would ever come back.
...
A/N: Poor Nienna. Being dumped then bereaved has got to be tough. Poor Teagan too, he's left out of everything, I hadn't thought how hard that might be until I wrote this.
So Nienna's gone to Seheron, mostly because I haven't played Awakenings yet, so while all that stuff's going on, Nienna is pretty much on holiday.
Next time, Nienna returns (with souvenirs for all!) and Teagan has some serious thinking to do.
Review and I'll ask Nienna to bring you back something nice from Seheron.
Title: Heal your Hurt
Rating: T
Pairing: Surana (Nienna)/Alistair, Surana/Teagan
Synopsis: The moment a woman hits a man in the face with an Arcane Bolt in a blood-soaked hall is generally not a notable one in any romantic literature. But sometimes he wonders why not. Love hurts, after all. Surana/Alistair, later Surana/Teagan.
Warnings: Angst, spoilers.
Chapter One available here.
…
He manages to keep her out of his mind for much of the time. The recovery of the town takes up much of his attention and of course, the Blight is keeping everyone busy. He has his brother’s family to care for as well. His days are not his own.
He has no control over his thoughts when he enters the Fade each night however. His dreams of her are bittersweet and tormenting yet he almost regrets it when he wakes. And, during the few quiet moments he has during the day, his thoughts are with her, worrying for her, hoping she is well. He has not prayed so earnestly for anything since he was a child.
So when the arrival of the Wardens is announced, he is so full of relief and surprise that he has almost forgotten why they have come. He is far too eager to see her again.
Nienna looks very different from the last time he saw her. Partly it is because of what she is wearing; robes of blue and gold, slit to the thigh (designed, he is sure, especially to torture him) and partly it is due to the fact she has a sword strapped to her back instead of a staff. But he realises that the change in her is more than just her appearance, the way she is carrying herself it completely different, as if she has seen things so terrible that the terrible nights in Redcliffe don’t even compare.
He wonders if he will ever have a chance to learn all that has happened to her.
Her eyes are the same though, which reassures him, bright and full of interest as she scans the room before seeing him and her smile as she greets him is sudden and mischievous. "Guess what we’ve found?" she asks him, and it takes him a long moment to respond.
"The Ashes… you’ve found them?" he asks in something like shock. He probably should not be surprised that she has done the impossible, but it is Isolde and Alistair’s impatience that breaks him out of his startled reflections. He follows them upstairs, eyes fixed on the little pouch she carries in her gloved hand.
He doesn’t know what he is happiest about, that is brother is about to be healed, or that Nienna has returned.
…
His brother is well, and he is glad, of course, but he cannot help but nurture a small ache in his chest when he sees Eamon surrounded by his loving family. A wife and a child is not something he has ever envied before, nor anything that he has felt the lack of, until now.
The next day is spent peacefully, Eamon stretching his neglected muscles in the grounds with his wife and son, before calling in Alistair to speak with him. The Warden’s companions are scattered throughout the castle, enjoying the novelty of soft beds and warm water. It’s in this quiet time that he finds her alone in the library, aside from her mabari, reading a thick tome with an expression of utter contentment.
"Hello Nienna," he greets her, letting nothing more than warm politeness show in his tone.
Her answering smile is welcoming, and she moves her stockinged feet from the chair opposite so he can join her. He feels nervous, ridiculously so for a man of his age. He determinedly does not look as she curls her legs beneath her, the cut of her robes showing more skin that he assumes she realises.
"How have you been, Teagan?" she asks him, and at first he answers politely and non-descriptively, but her careful questions and genuine concern soon strip that deception from him. He tells her of the worries and struggles of rebuilding the town; of how terribly he had feared for his brother and of how the lack of news from his own Bannorn had been troubling him. He opens up to her so completely and so unexpectedly that he appreciates how she can inspire such a diverse group to follow her, and how she can persuade a town full of frightened people into doing what needs to be done.
The only troubles he does not speak of are the ones she unwittingly caused. It is enough, more than, to have this time alone with her. He likes to think that they are at least friends, now.
"But what of you?" he asks finally, feeling guilty for speaking so much of himself. "I’m sure you have been through worse since we last met."
"Don’t say that," she chides him, leaning forward to lightly strike the back of his hand. "You’ve had no-one to confide in. That always makes everything seem worse."
"I feel much better now," he assures her, glad for her ready understanding. "But I would still like to hear of your adventures."
"You’re probably better off asking Leliana, you know," she informs him, suddenly seeming bashful. "I’m not much of a story-teller and she’s probably put everything that’s happened into rhyme by now."
"I would still rather hear it from you." That is an understatement, but she didn’t need to know it.
"Don’t say I didn’t warn you," she warns him humorously, before launching into a tale that focused as much on her companions as it did werewolves and dragons. She is right that she is not much of story-teller, her journey is told disjointedly, in whatever order occurs to her but he listens breathlessly to all of the dangers she has faced, and all that she has achieved.
"When did you learn to use a sword?" he asks at one point.
"The trapped spirit of an ancient elven arcane warrior gave me his memories in exchange for his freedom," she replies, completely matter-of-factly.
He can’t help but laugh. "Oh, of course. How foolish of me not to realise."
She laughs with him. He takes the time to memorise her smile, the way she tosses her head back when she laughs and how she gestures with her hands when she’s explaining something. This might be the only time he ever gets to spend alone with her; he’s not going to waste it.
Eventually though, Alistair interrupts them. He comes and leans against her chair, their arms brushing comfortably together as he smiles at them both. Teagan can’t help feeling a flash of irrational irritation at him; after all, neither of them know of his feelings. But Alistair gets all of her; can’t he spare just a couple of hours? But the irritation passes as quickly as it comes. He is genuinely fond of Alistair, and cannot begrudge him his happiness.
"The Arl wishes to speak to us," Alistair announces, an undertone of discomfort in his voice. Nienna glances at him, a moment of silent communication so profound that Teagan has to look away.
Eventually, Nienna sighs and leans forward to retrieve her boots. Alistair looks unabashedly at her exposed legs, although he does blush when Teagan catches his eye and raises an eyebrow. The three of them make their way to the great hall, collecting the rest of Nienna’s company as they go.
It is good to see Eamon on his feet, and he cannot help but grin at his brother, despite the serious feeling of the meeting. His brother returns the smile, before turning to Nienna.
He formally thanks her for her aid to Redcliffe, and she shifts awkwardly as she accepts his reward. But the meeting soon turns to its true purpose. The kingdom of Fereldan. And Alistair.
"I don’t want to be king!" Alistair exclaims at last. But Eamon is unsympathetic, which Teagan understands, to a certain extent. He does not see how an un-unified Fereldan can stand against the Blight. Nienna brushes her fingers against the back of Alistair’s hand. The gesture is a subtle one but it comforts him, and quiets his arguments.
Teagan notices it, however. And if the little frown Eamon is wearing, he notices it too.
The Wardens leave shortly after the meeting. They still have to go to Orzammar before any issues of kingship can be resolved. Teagan regrets that there is no time for a personal goodbye this time, but the meeting seems to have reignited the sense of urgency that has been missing throughout that day of rest.
As the door closes behind them, Eamon’s frown does not fade. "I think the Warden is going to cause a problem," he sighs at last.
"Nienna?" Teagan blurts without thinking. He notices Eamon’s raised eyebrow at the use of her first name, so blunders on quickly, hoping to distract him. "The woman who has just saved your life? And that of your son and your town?"
Eamon turns his scowl on him. "And I am not ungrateful, Teagan. But she has far too much influence over the boy. He’s far too fond of her as well. Do you really think that Fereldan is ready for an elven queen? An elven mage queen."
Teagan doesn’t reply. The answer to that question is all too obvious. But he doesn’t want to think of the hurt that this will cause her; will cause both of them.
He especially doesn’t want to think about the tiny spark of selfish hope that comes to life in his chest when he considers Eamon’s words.
…
The Wardens return from Orzammar a few months later, looking worn and exhausted. Teagan notices with alarm that Nienna has lost a lot of weight, a concern that seems to be shared by her party. Both the elderly mage and the bard encourage her to eat extra portions at dinner that night, despite how sleepy she looks.
"The Deep Roads were horrifying," Nienna tells him in passing, but they have so little time to talk that he does not manage to hear the whole story before they leave to call the Landsmeet. It leaves him imagining the worse, the thoughts of what she must have faced, and what she will be facing in Denerim, tormenting him.
He chafes at being left behind, yet again.
It takes weeks for news to reach him, but soon it is announced all over Fereldan. They have a new king at last. Alistair.
When Eamon returns to Redcliffe he is in an exultant mood, practically glowing from his triumph. Alistair is king, and part of Teagan, the part that remembers him as a mud-covered boy, cannot believe it.
He doesn’t ask about Nienna. He has given away enough of his feelings to his brother already. Besides, soon Redcliffe is under siege by the Darkspawn and he has no time for personal concerns. However, Nienna’s arrival is as timely as ever, soon bailing them out of danger. They know that the danger is only just beginning, and that they need to defeat the archdemon while it is still possible.
The distance between Alistair and Nienna becomes clear, when the discussion is finished and her companions separate to find rest. They both seem miserable. They do not stay together. They do not speak to each other, but they keep sending each other longing looks when they think that they are unobserved. Teagan does not think that the distance between them will last for much longer, no matter what Eamon thinks. The knowledge makes him a little sad, but he cannot stand the pain in Nienna’s expression.
Eventually she leaves him to speak with her fellow Wardens while he helps his brother organise their troops. They need to be ready to leave in the morning.
…
Later that night, on his way to his room, he finds her lurking alone in the corridor, in bare feet and with her hair unbound. This doesn’t make sense, until he realises that she is staring at Alistair’s bedroom, obviously trying to work up the nerve to go in.
If she is planning on slipping into the king’s bedroom for some comfort on the night before they leave for battle then he doesn’t want to know, for more than one reason. She notices him before he can leave though, and he smiles at her awkwardly. He is unsure of what to say to her, so he simply wishes her goodnight.
He can never tell her all the things he wants to, anyway.
"Teagan?" she calls before he even takes three steps. He turns back to her and notices her expression. She seems troubled, almost guilty, but without being embarrassed. He realises that, whatever is going on, it is not what he has assumed. He is caught between relief and concern at the thought.
He comes closer, his eyes on her wringing hands, before shifting to her drawn face. He knows that she is under strain, but he has never before seen this degree of uncertainty in her before. She may have had leadership thrust upon her, but she understands that appearing confident is a big part of it.
He feels privileged to know that she trusts him enough to drop her mask.
She fidgets for a moment before finally asking him, "If you could choose to do something that would stop something bad from happening now, but might cause something bad to happen in the future, would you do it?" Her voice is soft and painfully unsure. He realises with a start that she is afraid, terribly, horribly afraid.
He considers her question carefully, wanting to reassure and comfort her. He doesn’t have to ask if it is to do with the Blight - what isn’t to do with the Blight right now? - but he also knows better to ask for more details, as much as he wants to. Her cagey manner screams ’Grey Warden secrets’ louder than anything else she could have said.
"You don’t know that something bad could happen?" he asks, and she shakes her head.
"But I don’t know for sure that it won’t either," she replies, still looking at her clasped fingers. He is unsurprised at her answer, but his own worries have awoken at the thought of whatever the bad thing is that she wants to prevent. However, he knows that she would not want to risk harming anyone else.
He doesn’t know what to say to her. He wants to still her twisting fingers with his own. He wants to draw her into his arms, stroke her hair and soothe away her fear and uncertainty. But that is not for him to do, that role belongs to the man whose room they are lingering outside of.
So he clasps her shoulder in the same he way he would encourage his nephew if he was worried about something. "Nienna, I think you should make whatever choice you can live with."
She laughs, high pitched and strained. Her shoulder trembles beneath his hand and he grips harder without realising it. But the indecision fades from her face as she considers his words. Her fingers come up to brush the Griffin on the pendant she wears around her neck and she sighs. Her decision is made.
She looks up at him and his heart falters. He thought that fear is the worse expression he would ever see on her face. He’s wrong. Her face is still and calm and determined in a way he has seen before, on the faces of soldiers before battle, who have accepted the fact they are going to die, accepted it so completely that there is no longer any room for dread, no room for anything but duty.
He knows that he has given her the wrong advice. He should have told her to do whatever it took to survive, whatever she needed to do to come back from the battle. What good is the future if she is not in it?
But she has already stepped away from him, and away from Alistair’s room. She smiles at him in a way that makes it clear she is saying goodbye. "Thank you, Teagan. That’s just what I needed to hear."
"Nienna," he whispers, not knowing what he would say next, but knowing that all of his hidden feelings are moments away from tumbling out of his mouth.
She doesn’t give him a chance to speak further. "Goodnight, Teagan. And if I don’t have a chance to speak to you tomorrow, then be well."
"Goodbye," he replies softly to her back. After she turns the corner, heading towards her own bedroom, he adds quietly, unheard, "I love you."
…
The battle is as terrible as he expected. The waves of Darkspawn seem endless, and the roars and cries of the archdemon freeze his blood. He cannot see Nienna or Alistair; it is hours since they entered the city after the great dragon.
His is afraid for her. He is afraid of what she will do, of what her words yesterday meant, but he barely has time to think between attacks.
The battle is suddenly interrupted by a pillar of light, scattering the night and the Darkspawn both. It’s over. He feels no relief, only dread. Where is Nienna? It takes hours for the confusion to end, for the Wardens to be found, and he thinks not knowing will send him mad.
But news does arrive at last. Nienna is alive. That’s all he hears for a long moment, relief deafening him, until he sees Eamon’s face. He looks as if he has relapsed into his illness, his face is so grey.
Its then he knows. King Alistair is dead.
…
Teagan tries to find Nienna in the next few days, but is prevented by both the queen and her circle of fiercely protective friends. He just wants her to know that he is there for her, but is told over and over again that she is wounded and grief-stricken and needs rest.
That doesn’t prevent Anora from showing her off like a prize mabari after her coronation, however. For the first time Teagan sees her after the battle, pale and hollow-eyed, the side of her face scarred as if some terrible clawed beast has struck her. The fact that that is probably exactly what happened makes him feel cold. He watches the rest of the ceremony with a heavy heart, feeling her grief and weariness as if they were his own emotions.
He sees her grimace at the title ’Hero of Fereldan’ and understands that she just wants to be left alone, to mourn in peace.
He searches for her more determinedly after the ceremony. He wants to comfort her, to let her know that he shares her grief, but he cannot find her.
Eventually, he comes across most of her companions sharing a silent drink, aside from the witch and the qunari. He can’t actually remember the last time he saw the witch but the qunari has taken to following her like a large, menacing shadow and his absence is conspicuous.
"How is Nienna?" he asks them, watching them all share a troubled glance.
"She’s gone," the bard tells him sympathetically.
"Gone?" he echoes, feeling the word like a physical blow.
"She’s gone with Sten to
Seheron. She wanted to get away for a while," the mage informed him sadly. "There’s too much sorrow for her here, I think."
"I think it will do her good," the bard proclaimed hopefully, before looking back at him. "She said to say goodbye."
Teagan can’t believe she’s left him behind again.
By the time he sees her again, he has almost given up hope that she would ever come back.
...
A/N: Poor Nienna. Being dumped then bereaved has got to be tough. Poor Teagan too, he's left out of everything, I hadn't thought how hard that might be until I wrote this.
So Nienna's gone to Seheron, mostly because I haven't played Awakenings yet, so while all that stuff's going on, Nienna is pretty much on holiday.
Next time, Nienna returns (with souvenirs for all!) and Teagan has some serious thinking to do.
Review and I'll ask Nienna to bring you back something nice from Seheron.