Heal your Hurt
Heal your Hurt
Title: Heal your Hurt
Rating: T
Pairing: Surana (Nienna)/Alistair, Surana/Teagan
Synopsis: The moment a woman hits a man in the face with an Arcane Bolt in a blood-soaked hall is generally not a notable one in any romantic literature. But sometimes he wonders why not. Love hurts, after all. Surana/Alistair, later Surana/Teagan.
Warnings: Angst, spoilers.
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"Stay and heal your hurt
Lay down that brow of stone
From this day forth my hidden heart
Will be your own."
-The Lay of Andomian and Beruldh, from The Gift, by Alison Croggon.
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Chapter one- In which a horrible realisation is realised.
Bards and poets throughout the ages have devoted much time to describing the moment when a man realises that he is in love with a woman. Her eyes (sparkling) are usually referenced, or a (radiant) smile, a laugh (tinkling), her (flowing) hair, or perhaps the (beautiful) gown that she is wearing. The setting is usually important too, a masquerade ball, a moonlit night, a sun-dappled meadow, all regarded as perfect places for courting or confessing.
But, in Bann Teagan's knowledge anyway, the moment the woman hits the man in the face with an Arcane Bolt in a blood-soaked hall is not a notable one in any romantic literature.
His head feels dazed and clouded, not only from the lingering effects of the demon in his mind but from the sudden heavily radiance that seems to surrounds her (something he later realises, with some relief, is merely the after-effect of her spell on his eyes,) and a tightness in his chest that almost feels like nerves (and why would he be nervous of her rather than the demon? She's just saved his life and sanity).
In the next moment, however, the reason for his confusion becomes all too clear. When he looks up at her as his mind clears and becomes his own once more, as her delicate yet steady hand helps him to his feet, he feels that lurch in his stomach, both warm and sinking, a tangible sensation of falling and he just knows.
He's in love. The shock of it is almost as staggering as realising that his nephew is possessed by a demon.
His mind is only half on the following debate on how best to contain Conner as he's trying his best to come to terms with this sudden, unwanted knowledge. It's not just this sudden, unexpected feeling he has to deal with. He knows too that his feelings for her are impossible.
It's not that she's a Grey Warden, or a mage, or an elf; it's not that they're facing a demon, and a civil war, and a Blight.
It's impossible because she's in love (or well on the way) with Alistair, and her fellow Warden more than returns the feeling. It's painfully obvious to him, by how closely they stand, by their easy camaraderie, by the silent conversation they have in just a single glance.
Teagan is not one to poach, especially not from his almost-nephew.
He's had a lot to deal with in the last few days. He doesn't know what he needs more, a drink, or a nap. He suddenly feels as old as Eamon looks after his illness.
He tries to deny it, to dampen down his feelings, but it proves impossible when she flatly refuses to sacrifice Conner, or, (despite a speculative look thrown at Isolde) resort to Blood Magic. Even realising that she makes this decision mostly for Alistair's sake does not dim his admiration, or stop his heart from fluttering painfully in his chest.
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He simultaneously breathes more easily and finds himself anxious and on edge when she leaves to gain the Circle's aid. He doesn't have time to be in love, especially not with a woman who does not return his feelings.
But no matter what he does, he finds his mind drifting back to her. When he sets guards around his brother and nephew, he remembers how she looked in battle (though his memories are clouded by the demon's influence), and how the battle-fire in her eyes dimmed to concern as she realised her attack had freed his mind.
When he walks through the village, he remembers facing the people after the battle, seeing them transformed from despairing villages to victorious warriors, purely through her force of will. When he enters the Chantry, he remembers how she offered her aid before even knowing the exact nature of their troubles, and her shy, surprised smile when he flirted with her (taking refuge in courtly charm, pretending that everything was normal when it was far from it), and the amused smile, barely containing her laughter, she wore when she flirted back.
When he speaks to the Reverend Mother he remembers the reproving look he'd received from her after reflectively tilting his head to watch the Warden's hips sway beneath her modest Circle robe as she walked away.
When he checks on the wounded fighters, he remembers her face drawn with tiredness as she insisted on healing each and every one of them. He's never heard of a battle with no casualties before.
Part of him doesn't quite know how he's managed to acquire so many memories of a woman he's known for less than two days; the other part of him is unsurprised. After all, what she achieved here was extraordinary. He's sure that no man could blame him for falling so suddenly in love.
Well, perhaps one man could, but he didn't want to dwell on that.
It takes a week for her to arrive back at the castle, a few days later than expected. He's anxious, not just for her but for Conner and Isolde, too. He wasn't sure if could stop Isolde from doing something foolish, if she had taken any longer.
She looks a little worse for wear (as does her entire company) but unharmed, and she has a small group of mages with her, who immediately begin preparations with lyrium and Maker knows what else.
Of course, she's the one who volunteers to go into the Fade. She seems to pass out, and leaves the rest of them staring uselessly, Isolde wringing her hands and praying aloud. As time stretches on, he feels like joining her.
"She'll be fine," Alistair declares, once the silence grew too oppressive. He stares too anxiously at her unmoving form for his words to be entirely convincing however. "She's faced demons before. The demons are probably scared of her."
The tale of what had delayed them at the Circle was told disjointedly, firstly by Alistair and the First Enchanter, then by the Orlaisian Bard after she grew impatient of their poor story-telling skills. Even Isolde began to pay attention after a while.
The story is interrupted however, when the Warden gasps and opens her eyes. Teagan starts towards her, but is beaten by Alistair, Irving and the grey-haired mage who seems to have attached herself to the Warden. He stills his movement before it really starts. He's not needed there.
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Later, after the funerals, she agrees to search for the Urn of Sacred Ashes. He can see that she, like him, thinks that it is a long shot. But a long shot is all they have.
He can't stop staring at her. He doesn't know when he'll see her again and he can't stop looking at her. It's the first time he can see her hair- every other time; she had been wearing one of those (truly hideous, even he could admit it. Love wasn't that blind) mage hats. Her hair is the colour of autumn, the same as the leaves on the trees outside the window.
He doesn't know what to say to her.
"Good luck, my lady," he manages. He is afraid, for Redcliffe, for his brother, for Fereldan.
For her. He knows she faces dangers he will never understand and there's nothing he can do about it. He can't even tell her a profound goodbye.
She smiles and it hurts him to see. "My name is Nienna, my lord. And you'll need the luck as much as us, I think."
He nods, accepting that statement. "Then you must call me Teagan."
She laughs. "Good-bye, then, Teagan." When she turns away, he sees a brighter splash of colour in the tidy knot of her hair. It is a rose, bright and vibrant. When he sees Alistair's face, he knows who gave it to her.
She doesn't look back when she leaves him.
It's months before he sees her again.
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A/N- This is a vague companion piece to 'Victory' ( http://seren-bach.livejournal.com/2651.html) but you don't have to read it to understand what's going on here. At least, I don't think so.
I have only recently realised that you can flirt with Bann Teagan, and he seemed very fond of my mage, thus, this story was born. It will, eventually, get less angsty. Next chapter- Teagan and Nienna meet again (and have a proper conversation), the archdemon is defeated and certain decisions are made.