(no subject)
dear lj
so yesterday me and my family were drinking and my mom started to tell me that our life wasn't as bad as other ppl. she started to go into detail so i had to cut her off and change the subject.
when i was a little kid i always thought that my mom never had feelings. i'm sure everybody can say this, but truely i thought my mom didn't care. since leaving school and comming back it's hard to tell my mom off because she is so touchy. i so wanted to get into this arguement but it's not worth it.
but i cannot live with my mom or in her house eventhough she does not live here it's like she still has controll of me.i understand most ppl would say of course it would but when i think of all the obligations that we agreed upon when we (my brother and sister) moved in i am the only one that has lived by the agreement but yet i'm critized to the point were i have thrown in the towel and decided to move out. not living with my family is actually easy for me since i feel that our role in the house seems more like being a slave and not truely like the other family. i'm pretty sure ppl would want exampls so here are some
1. when i was little we had this family picture but me and my brother were excluded
2. i have gone to my mom office mulitible times and i have not ever seen a picture of us(my brother and i) anywhere.
3.it's seems like my brothers baby is alienated just like us. it's like he's black sheep because he's related to us.
4.when we were younger, my mom seemed to punished us so that we would not go to any amusement parks but they would take my newphews.( i know this seems childish but we were also young)
alienating us like this actually kind of shows up how different we are to my brothers and sisters and how we interact with our family. me and my brother both have joined the military and we both seem to be always trying to depend on ourselves, unlike my sibling they have a hard time getting jobs and always depend on my parents.
we actually seem less selfish and closer to each other. but since my brother was younger than me it seems that he has charactists just like them. he's mean, he seems to always try to screw other ppl when they make him mad. i don't think thats a bad trait. it's a tough world and in some places you can't be soft.
there's alot that sets us apart of the family. it makes me sad. i try not to let it bother me but i always see it. i might be bias and always looking at the negative but i can't help it. i hope i have the oppertunity to have kids or to adopt or both. i would truely pour my heart into my kids and make them feel like i wished i would like to be treated.
the other thing that made me think this way was when i was in montana i had this friend and he had two kids with his wife but one kid was wasn't his. he told me that he would try to treat her like his but deep in his heart he knew it wasn't his and that she would always be different. idk. that was sad.
well anyway lj... i'm sleepy so good night.
so yesterday me and my family were drinking and my mom started to tell me that our life wasn't as bad as other ppl. she started to go into detail so i had to cut her off and change the subject.
when i was a little kid i always thought that my mom never had feelings. i'm sure everybody can say this, but truely i thought my mom didn't care. since leaving school and comming back it's hard to tell my mom off because she is so touchy. i so wanted to get into this arguement but it's not worth it.
but i cannot live with my mom or in her house eventhough she does not live here it's like she still has controll of me.i understand most ppl would say of course it would but when i think of all the obligations that we agreed upon when we (my brother and sister) moved in i am the only one that has lived by the agreement but yet i'm critized to the point were i have thrown in the towel and decided to move out. not living with my family is actually easy for me since i feel that our role in the house seems more like being a slave and not truely like the other family. i'm pretty sure ppl would want exampls so here are some
1. when i was little we had this family picture but me and my brother were excluded
2. i have gone to my mom office mulitible times and i have not ever seen a picture of us(my brother and i) anywhere.
3.it's seems like my brothers baby is alienated just like us. it's like he's black sheep because he's related to us.
4.when we were younger, my mom seemed to punished us so that we would not go to any amusement parks but they would take my newphews.( i know this seems childish but we were also young)
alienating us like this actually kind of shows up how different we are to my brothers and sisters and how we interact with our family. me and my brother both have joined the military and we both seem to be always trying to depend on ourselves, unlike my sibling they have a hard time getting jobs and always depend on my parents.
we actually seem less selfish and closer to each other. but since my brother was younger than me it seems that he has charactists just like them. he's mean, he seems to always try to screw other ppl when they make him mad. i don't think thats a bad trait. it's a tough world and in some places you can't be soft.
there's alot that sets us apart of the family. it makes me sad. i try not to let it bother me but i always see it. i might be bias and always looking at the negative but i can't help it. i hope i have the oppertunity to have kids or to adopt or both. i would truely pour my heart into my kids and make them feel like i wished i would like to be treated.
the other thing that made me think this way was when i was in montana i had this friend and he had two kids with his wife but one kid was wasn't his. he told me that he would try to treat her like his but deep in his heart he knew it wasn't his and that she would always be different. idk. that was sad.
well anyway lj... i'm sleepy so good night.