Keep Your Hands to Yourself
Wow, sleeping for more than 6 hours at a time certainly brings on the wacky dreams. Total bizzaro world.
So I'm pretty sure the pills have started to kick in. Although it galls me to have to take them- when did I become damaged goods?- I am miles away from where I was a few weeks ago, which was absolute lunatic. I'm amazed at some of the stupid shit I did. I'm amazed that my friends put up with me. I don't feel wonderful, but things are definitely on the upswing, and the "crazy" feelings are definitely muted, if not gone. I'm just hoping it's not a temporary lull.
Anna went on meds the same time I did is doing fabulously- so that's encouraging, right? I've started to unravel some of the mess I've made my academics. It could still end badly, but there's a chance for not badness. We'll see.
The one bit of crazy that still persists and continues to really annoy me is the urge to touch people. I don't mean in a skanky/sexual/romantic way- just an "irrational need for contact" sort of way. Being that I was never really the touchy-feely type, this urge horrifies me. I haven't been giving in to this urge, but it is still horrifying. I don't like not having control of my body. I know I've been feeling like I've been having trouble connecting with people, but can't my brain come up with a solution that's not so....literal? Not to mention emo, and stupid, and creepy? Brain, I'd stop hating you if you weren't so stupid. I wish Violet were here. I could curl up next to him while we were sleeping, and we would squish together on the couch while watching pretentious movies, and I would be safe in knowing that he has no interest in me, and he wouldn't take my awful clinginess the wrong way. But I suppose that wouldn't fix anything, just make me feel like less of a freak. I'm afraid that people will think I'm hitting on them, take it as an invitation to hit on me, or just acknowledge that it's creepy. Because it is. And childish. Ugh. It's just another one of those situations where I feel as if I'm fighting with myself over something ridiculous. Waste of time. I warned Connor that there will be prolific hugging when he's here, but I don't have to be happy about it. Again, this is just me whining to myself.
It's been one of those weeks where I keep on seeing people that obviously aren't here- I'll glance a flash of curly hair and think "L2!", but of course it isn't. It drives home how few people I know on campus.
So I'm pretty sure the pills have started to kick in. Although it galls me to have to take them- when did I become damaged goods?- I am miles away from where I was a few weeks ago, which was absolute lunatic. I'm amazed at some of the stupid shit I did. I'm amazed that my friends put up with me. I don't feel wonderful, but things are definitely on the upswing, and the "crazy" feelings are definitely muted, if not gone. I'm just hoping it's not a temporary lull.
Anna went on meds the same time I did is doing fabulously- so that's encouraging, right? I've started to unravel some of the mess I've made my academics. It could still end badly, but there's a chance for not badness. We'll see.
The one bit of crazy that still persists and continues to really annoy me is the urge to touch people. I don't mean in a skanky/sexual/romantic way- just an "irrational need for contact" sort of way. Being that I was never really the touchy-feely type, this urge horrifies me. I haven't been giving in to this urge, but it is still horrifying. I don't like not having control of my body. I know I've been feeling like I've been having trouble connecting with people, but can't my brain come up with a solution that's not so....literal? Not to mention emo, and stupid, and creepy? Brain, I'd stop hating you if you weren't so stupid. I wish Violet were here. I could curl up next to him while we were sleeping, and we would squish together on the couch while watching pretentious movies, and I would be safe in knowing that he has no interest in me, and he wouldn't take my awful clinginess the wrong way. But I suppose that wouldn't fix anything, just make me feel like less of a freak. I'm afraid that people will think I'm hitting on them, take it as an invitation to hit on me, or just acknowledge that it's creepy. Because it is. And childish. Ugh. It's just another one of those situations where I feel as if I'm fighting with myself over something ridiculous. Waste of time. I warned Connor that there will be prolific hugging when he's here, but I don't have to be happy about it. Again, this is just me whining to myself.
It's been one of those weeks where I keep on seeing people that obviously aren't here- I'll glance a flash of curly hair and think "L2!", but of course it isn't. It drives home how few people I know on campus.