The trinity is united again!

[redcirce]

L1 and I were idly thinking about going to a dyke bar, then idly thinking about taking Connor with us, and then finally arrived at planning how to dress him up as a tranny dyke and then all of us going to pick up chicks. Sadly, this plan did not come to fruition. I have this feeling that when L1 and I are together we get 10 times queerer than we are on our own. (Okay, okay, I know L1 is pretty queer to begin with, so maybe it's 7/3 L1/Circe) It's not so bad here, but back in the city I feel L1's presence more as a tangible loss, because I know my brother and dad will freak out if I'm too "feminist" (my brother and I actually had the "she was asking for it" discussion once) or because I know that most of my friends would be seriously weirded out if they saw me checking out a girl. Seriously. Weirded Out. Very Uncomfortably Weirded Out. Which pisses me off because I find myself editing myself and then being ashamed for doing so. Because they're terribly open minded when it comes to other people, but if it's a friend of theirs, that makes me a freaky lesbian who has the hots for them. Joanna's cool with it, she just made that face she makes all the time when it came up, and Silvie just rolls his eyes because he thinks I'm a pig. Where am i going with this? Nowhere I guess. I actually started this months ago and now am adding bits from my room in the city, 3am eternal. I've totally lost the plot on this entry, because my righteous ire at being treated funny by people I grew up with for being different is being surpassed by random ire at people I grew up with for treating me funny in general. I feel stupid for being pissed at this, but then again, I've been feeling stupid in general so why does it matter? And here I go getting all pissy again when I'm to blame. Because I'm terrible at keeping in contact, and if they're terrible back, that doesn't mean it isn't me if I take a month to respond to an email, failing or not. So I can't expect to be best friends with someone I speak to 3 times a year. But somehow that doesn't stop me from being so frustrated when someone wants to see me, is so happy that I'm in town, and can't be coordinated enough to see me before they leave. And then try calling after I leave. How am I supposed to change with everyone when I'm still in the same place?
I can't find myself.