what difference
and i just really am just there right now and i don't know what sort of introspective thing i'm supposed to say. i'm not happy, but i'm not upset either so i have a hard time caring either way. i just don't feel anything most of the time, beyond a mild interest or disinterest in things. like i'm under glass. or wearing a really big coat when it's cold. and i know those are stupid similes but i don't even know what i'm trying to say. i just can't bring myself to care about anything. and there are brief flashes where i do care, but most of the time it's just the same, and i don't want to be upset, so the nothing doesn't really bother me all that much. and i haven't be in touch with a lot of the friends i've meant to, and i'm having serious trouble remembering (or caring) to eat. and i'm very much a food person. i don't know if i had prepared stuff lying around i'd be less apathetic, but i don't want to cook and eating is such a hassle most of the time. and if food isn't really interesting me, something is very much wrong. occasionally when i cook for other people i get excited, like the strawberries in butter, but then other days, things are not good. i was thinking last night that i'd be lucky if i cracked 500 calories that day. not intentional. i made it up today. but still, problem.
and i'm not particularly fond of the idea of losing weight.
and i try really hard not to be like this, and sometimes when i'm with connor or at fencing i'm trying really hard to be, and i'm just not there. and it was already happening when vi and i parted ways, but afterwords it got a lot worse. and i feel like i should do something, but i'm having trouble caring. i think this is normal, i know it isn't. and i'm not getting anything done and not finding. and the fencing is really frustrating because i'm really out of practice and it was one of the things that actually made me awake- being on strip and being present and having your mind connected to your hand and even if you're not winning you understand what's going on. and i'm not feeling that. i'm feeling clumsy and weighty and utterly unconnected from it all. and it makes me sad because this is supposed to be my drug, and it's not working. and the jiu-jitsu was working, but now we've moved onto sparring and i've skipped and watched and not actually joined in because i'm deathly afraid that i'll try and the feeling will go away and i won't be able to do anything but lie there.
things that i don't forget, sometimes: talking with L1 about ridiculous things, dinners and road trips with connor, benjamin being himself, biking in rain, jui-jitsu, bjork, dancing, ee cummings. for now. it's hard to remember.
and i'm not particularly fond of the idea of losing weight.
and i try really hard not to be like this, and sometimes when i'm with connor or at fencing i'm trying really hard to be, and i'm just not there. and it was already happening when vi and i parted ways, but afterwords it got a lot worse. and i feel like i should do something, but i'm having trouble caring. i think this is normal, i know it isn't. and i'm not getting anything done and not finding. and the fencing is really frustrating because i'm really out of practice and it was one of the things that actually made me awake- being on strip and being present and having your mind connected to your hand and even if you're not winning you understand what's going on. and i'm not feeling that. i'm feeling clumsy and weighty and utterly unconnected from it all. and it makes me sad because this is supposed to be my drug, and it's not working. and the jiu-jitsu was working, but now we've moved onto sparring and i've skipped and watched and not actually joined in because i'm deathly afraid that i'll try and the feeling will go away and i won't be able to do anything but lie there.
things that i don't forget, sometimes: talking with L1 about ridiculous things, dinners and road trips with connor, benjamin being himself, biking in rain, jui-jitsu, bjork, dancing, ee cummings. for now. it's hard to remember.