All is black, but I still see.
I have just learned something obscene and disturbing about someone I was very close to for a long time. I feel betrayed, shamed and violated by this knowledge. I see why this piece of personal history was hidden from me, because if I had known, I would have considered them repulsive, unworthy of my trust and deserving of extreme chastisement.
But at the same time I feel thankful. I had no idea of how naive I really am about the world until now. I have always considered the nature of man to be a positive force. That nurtures heavy blows are only a deterrent from inevitable wisdom and self development. This news is a well deserved slap in the face; a harsh lesson for me. I understand that it is these times, when we feel helpless, childlike and incompetent, are the moments when we are growing into adults. Fortunately no real harm was done to me physically or psychologically. I was let free before this person could have shown me their true colors. What strikes me is that their actions spoke louder than their character. It was their omission and secrecy that expounded their guilt. It is quite possible I was blind, in fact I am sure I pulled the wool over my own eyes. The only way I can explain this is either my naivety or my emotion.
I am trying to get over my extreme disgust and anger. I would hurt them if I could, I would make it impossible for them to never do what they have done again. But I am not going to. The best way I can describe this is with a quote
"I could warn you, but you would not listen
I could kill you, but someone would take your place.
So I do the only thing I can, I go."
This is my plan of action. I am absolutely positive that I will live well, and that is the best revenge. I think I will be able to forgive them, not out of understanding, but out of pity. For now I must learn to pull myself out of this by my bootstraps and rely on those I can trust. I also think I should get myself through Fountainhead. Ayn Rand has always been very therapeutic to me.
But at the same time I feel thankful. I had no idea of how naive I really am about the world until now. I have always considered the nature of man to be a positive force. That nurtures heavy blows are only a deterrent from inevitable wisdom and self development. This news is a well deserved slap in the face; a harsh lesson for me. I understand that it is these times, when we feel helpless, childlike and incompetent, are the moments when we are growing into adults. Fortunately no real harm was done to me physically or psychologically. I was let free before this person could have shown me their true colors. What strikes me is that their actions spoke louder than their character. It was their omission and secrecy that expounded their guilt. It is quite possible I was blind, in fact I am sure I pulled the wool over my own eyes. The only way I can explain this is either my naivety or my emotion.
I am trying to get over my extreme disgust and anger. I would hurt them if I could, I would make it impossible for them to never do what they have done again. But I am not going to. The best way I can describe this is with a quote
"I could warn you, but you would not listen
I could kill you, but someone would take your place.
So I do the only thing I can, I go."
This is my plan of action. I am absolutely positive that I will live well, and that is the best revenge. I think I will be able to forgive them, not out of understanding, but out of pity. For now I must learn to pull myself out of this by my bootstraps and rely on those I can trust. I also think I should get myself through Fountainhead. Ayn Rand has always been very therapeutic to me.